narry~

Thin ice ~

“Your hair is a state, Rachel!” Hayley laughed, walking over to my bedside table to pick up one of my many hairbrushes. 
“I’m just up, give me a break.” I groaned, rubbing my eyes as I sat on the edge of my bed.

Summer was now officially over. How did I know that? Because today was our first day back at school. A day that most sixteen year olds dreaded. No more lie-ins, late nights, homework free evenings and free time to spend doing countless acts of stupidity with your friends. I guess you could call me a pessimist.

Hayley and I were best friends. We had been since we were toddlers, crawling around nursery. We were always up to no good, that was just our ways. There was never one without the other when it came to us. 

Standing up from my bed I felt my knees crack, causing me to jolt - almost falling over. Hayley turned on my straighteners and grabbed my by the shoulders, twirling me around so my back was facing her. She used the hairbrush to tug our my matted knots and used the straighteners calm the mess that was my hair.

“I wish I had your hair.” She mumbled, sliding the brush through my hair.
“Why? I can’t do anything with it.” I laughed, sliding my bare feet across the carpet.
“Are you kidding? It’s a gorgeous colour, it’s lovely and long and everyone always compliments it.”
“What about yours? It’s cropped and edgy, a lovely bright colour and—”
“By bright colour, you mean orange?” She laughed, almost burning me with the straighteners.

She finished straightening my hair and left me alone for ten minutes to get ready. We weren’t late for school, she just got here too early and decided to be a bitch and wake me up early. 

Pulling on clean underwear and a bra, I hobbled around my room looking for my school clothes. I had them all washed and put away “neatly”, but I couldn’t remember where that was.

“On the top shelf in the closet.” Hayley said from outside my door.
“Right..” I laughed, opening the wardrobe to find my school clothes right where she said they would be.

I pulled up my tights and slid on my tube skirt. I loved this tube skirt, it really hugged my curves. I hardly had curves, but this emphasized them and that was good enough for me. Buttoning up my school shirt, I smiled at how white it was. But no doubt it would turn grey by the end of the week. My school tie was tied in a knot around my door handle, but it was an easy knot to break lose. I hated the colour of my tie. It was black with gold stripes going diagonally up the sides - but I’ve seen worse.

I had my over-sized black knitted cardigan to pop over my shirt. I had no intention of wearing a jacket, seeing as it was roasting hot outside and my cardigan would keep me warm enough.

Hayley must have sensed I was decent as she soon came bobbing back in as I fastened my long heart shaped locket over my neck.

“Shoes, where are your shoes?” She said, sounding quite worried.
“Just there!” I laughed, pointing over to the bottom of my bed.

Slipping my feet into the crisp new shoes, I pulled the strap over to fasten it into the “hatch” and turned to look in the mirror. In all honesty, I could’ve looked worse. All I needed to do now was sort my makeup out. I never wore a lot, partially because I didn’t have to. 

Picking up my small excuse for a makeup bag, I got out my concealer and used it to.. conceal the small dark circles under my eyes. I dug around to find my volumizing mascara and ran it along my eyelashes; I had naturally long eyelashes. To brighten my face up, I added a light touch of blusher and some pale pink lip-gloss and then I was done.

“Looking good.” Hayley smiled, adjusting her long brown shoulder bag.
“Thanks.” I laughed, picking up my school bag which was almost identical to Hayley’s. 

“Mum, we’re away!” I called from the front door as Hayley and I were about to leave.

My mum quickly ran over to me and kissed me on the cheek. I was very close with my mum, we always had been. She was always there when I needed her and the past year, I’ve needed her the most. My dad was also very supportive of me, pushing me to make the right decisions - which I didn’t always make.

“Be careful, Rachel..” She mumbled to me, before walking away.

——-

“What’s your first class?” I asked Lucy who was sitting on her boyfriend, Zayn’s, lap. 
“History.” She groaned.

We had an extended registration as it was the first day back and we had to jot down our new timetables. It was a very, very boring task - but it had to be done.

“I’m in your English class.” Niall smiled towards me.
“You are! And we have English.. first.” I grinned, jotting it down.

Just then, Jessica came huffing and puffing in the door. “Sorry I’m late!” She gasped, brushing her silky brown hair out of her face.

“I missed you.” Niall pouted, pulling Jessica in for a hug. 

There was no doubt about it, they were the cutest couple going. Nobody could tell them, or us, otherwise. But they had tough competition. There was Zayn and Lucy, who had been dating for three months. I used to date Liam, the boy every girl fell for. The boy that could wrap any girl around his fingers, although he was the sweetest boy alive. He wasn’t vain or stuck up. So you must be thinking, what happened between you two? 

Long story short, I couldn’t be held for my actions and he couldn’t control me. I was out of order and things became to difficult between us. But we remained “friends.”

We were all best friends. There was me, Hayley, Jessica, Lucy, Zayn, Niall, Liam and Louis. You could call us inseparable, but that’s not always the case. I was always messing things up between all of us, for reasons that are too upsetting to explain. But they were all amazing for being able to understand, hence why they were my best friends. Hence why they meant the world to me. 

The bell rang and Niall and I made our way to English, laughing at our little stories that had happened in the Summer holidays. Niall was probably my closest friend that was a boy. He was always so understanding and sweet, cheering me up whenever I was down. 

Being sneaky, we quickly chose our seats together at the back of the class. This was so we could talk and share answers with each other. But the old hag of a teacher, Mrs Allan soon caught on and pulled out a brand new class seating plan. Fuck. My. Life.

“Sarah, you sit up here at the front beside Sean. Niall, you go and sit over there with Colleen. Harry, you go and take where Niall was sitting and Rachel, you stay there. Everyone else can stay seating where they are now.” Mrs Allan smiled. Bitch.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to sit beside Harry. It was because I had no clue who he was. He was either new, or an outcast. Either way, he walked up to his new seat with a smirk on his face. He must have been new, since he clearly didn’t look like an outcast. 

“You’re Rachel, right?” He asked, whispering so he wouldn’t get caught talking.
“Yes..” I replied with a confused look on my face.
He laughed and shook his head, his curls falling around his smile. “I’ve heard stories,” He smirked. “..good stories about you.”
“What are you implying..?” 
“Nothing.” He laughed, leaning back in his chair as he crossed his arms.

 I nodded, starting to scribble on my English folder. “So what registration class are you in?”
“Five L two.”
“Snap. But how come I didn’t see you in registration this morning?”
“I’m new. I had to go through this whole.. shitty process in the office. But it’s all sorted now.” He smiled.
“Looks like I’ll be seeing a lot more of you then, huh? Lucky me..” I trailed off.
“Very lucky.” He winked, causing me to feel slightly flustered.

A lot of stories went around the school about me. Harry had clearly heard the right ones. The right ones in their own wrong way. What a nice way to start the new school year…

—-

There was a slight hint of tenseness between Harry and I throughout the rest of the period. He tried making small talk with me, but I could tell he was just trying to figure more things out about me. Not like I was going to tell him anyway, I’ve only known the boy for a few minutes.

When the bell rang, I quickly picked up my bag and sprinted over to Niall who was all smiley and Happy, which he normally was. 

“Catch you later.” Harry shouted from across the classroom, giving me a little wink before walking out.
“Who’s that?” Niall asked, picking up his jotter and placing it into his bag.
“That’s just Harry. Who’s that?” I said towards a girl who was on her way out of the classroom.
“Colleen. She’s not actually that bad to sit next too.” He grinned.

The next few periods went by so slowly. After English, I had Maths, Biology and Art. Art wasn’t too bad, and I got to sit next to Hayley as we listened to our iPod’s. But we couldn’t wait for it to be over so we could go out for Lunch. We always went down to “Seventy’s cafe” for our lunch, but had to get two tables because there was so many of us.

We all met up outside and walked down together. “The couples” - Lucy and Zayn, Jessica and Niall walked in front. Hands intertwined and everything. I was jealous of them, because they had such good relationships. Not that I’ve not had a good relationship, it just had a rocky ending. Yes, Liam and I still talked - but there was always an awkward presence made even more awkward when we were squished into one of the cafe booths together. There was Me, Liam, Louis and Hayley in one booth. Lucy, Zayn, Jessica and Niall in another. It was pretty compact, but we always made it work. 

“I met this Harry guy when I was in Chemistry, and I invited him here too.” Louis grinned.
I groaned, flinging my head back.
“Not another one of your mood swings?” Liam laughed.
“Shut up. I can’t help it.” I snapped back, “Harry’s just a tad curious for my taste, is all.”

We ordered our food and soon after, Harry walked in - all chirpy and smiley. 

“Here, take this seat.” Liam offered, standing up and giving Harry the seat next to me.
“Thanks mate.” Harry grinned, sliding into the booth with me.

Though I tried to hide the fact I didn’t want to sit next to him, and hide the fact I was actually here, I couldn’t stay hidden for much longer.

“Rachel!” He smiled.
“Harry.” I said, trying to sound as enthusiastic as him but failing.

Harry was a very confident boy. He didn’t care about what anyone thought of him and wasn’t afraid to put himself out there, hence why he kept looking me up and down, not caring that it was causing me to feel insecure. But he did notice, and quickly turned to talk to Liam, reminding me that he knew what had happened between us.

It was a horrible thing to think about. The memories. The conversations. The fights. 

The night Liam decided to break up with me started off as good as ever - in my mind. We had sex. Just putting that our there. It all went so well, but I couldn’t control myself. Afterwards, I walked back into the party on an high. I was buzzing, but more than usual. I couldn’t wait to tell everybody, and everybody couldn’t wait to listen! But Liam wasn’t happy. He wanted things to be between us. He wanted a proper relationship, but I couldn’t help myself.

I didn’t like talking about my “condition.” You see, I’m bipolar. What does “bipolar” mean? It’s a manic depressive illness. One minute, I’m normal. The next I’m as happy as can be. Then as quick as a flash, I’m grumpy, upset, crying.. the works. Hence why Liam broke up with me. He felt as if he couldn’t control me anymore, that I was always out of hand and he was scared to be around me. It scared me that I scared him. 

Harry obviously hadn’t heard that I was bipolar, but was asking Liam about what happened on the night we broke up. How did I know? ‘Cause I could constantly hear him saying “Rachel. Sex. Was it good?” Making me feel even more insecure. But Liam didn’t have a problem telling him.

“Can you shut up now and just eat?” I moaned, taking a long drink of my water. I felt sick just thinking about the whole ordeal. 
“Sorry.” Harry mumbled, nibbling on the end of his burger.

Was it bad that I felt guilty as Harry said “Sorry” to me? It was the way he said it. It made me feel really bad, like I wanted to apologise. 

“So, you have a sister?” Hayley asked.
“Yeah, Sarah.” Harry said, still sounding as remorseful as before.
“Was she the girl in our English class this morning?” I asked, perking up a little.
“That’s her.” Harry laughed.
“You never said.” I shrugged. “But I wondered why I’d never seen her before.”
“She’s pretty.” Louis mumbled, concentrating on something.
“How would you know?” Harry laughed.
“Isn’t that her there?” Louis said, pointing towards a brown haired girl standing at the cafe door.

Just then, the girl walked over. She had a nervous looking smile on her face as she came up to the crowded table, looking at Harry.

“I’ve forgot my house key.” She whispered.
“Oh, do you need it now?” Harry asked, beginning to scrammy around in his pockets.
“Yeah, I’ve got gym and I’ve forgot my stuff.” She smiled, taking the key from Harry. “See you at home.” She added before walking out quickly.
“So you think my sister’s pretty?” He laughed, looking back at Louis with his eyebrows raised.
“Awkward.” Hayley and I both said in unison, causing us to laugh and causing Harry to give us a strange look.
“Girls.” Louis and Harry both said in unison.

All in all, Lunch wasn’t too bad. But we had spent too long in the cafe and it turns out we were late for our next class. I had Music with Hayley, Zayn and Harry, So we all ran like idiots up the road to try and make it in time before the teacher came to the class. We were in luck this time.

We quickly sprinted into our seats and tried to act as if we had been there for ages, even though we were gasping profusely.

“Seeing as it’s the first day back, I’ll allow you to go on whatever instruments you like.” Mr Brown smiled.
“Does that include vocal?” Hayley asked.
“That includes vocal.” He nodded.

Hayley adored singing. So did I, but she was head over heels for it. If she could marry singing, she would. But that would be strange and impossible. Not going to lie, she was an amazing singer so I had no problem listening to her sing Wicked and Hairspray over and over.

Hayley and I quickly belted over to the CD player, grabbing some CD’s.

“You sing too?” Harry asked.
“I do. What instrument do you play?” I nodded, picking up a few extra CD’s.
“I like to exercise my vocal cords now and again.” He smirked, trying to sound cocky whilst he stroked his throat.
“Go on then, let me here something.” I laughed, folding my arms and sitting on the edge of one of the desks.
“Don’t you have like.. a little room for singing?”
“We do, just outside here and too the left.”
“Well, I’ll sing there.” He grinned, pulling my arm into this other classroom as Hayley tagged along behind.

Hayley plugged in the CD player as Harry closed the door behind her, looking around the room in awe. It was nothing special, but did have a few instruments in it. For example, a piano, drum kit, a few guitars and what not.

“What do you want me to sing?”
“Whatever you want. We’re not bothered.” I said, elbowing Hayley.
“Right.” She grinned, flicking through some CD’s.

Harry nodded, licking his lips as he readied himself for singing. He seemed to take a long time to get himself prepared. Fixing his hair, coughing a few times, adjusting his standing position. I was starting to lose interest, but he soon caught my attention by belting out the song “Isn’t she lovely” by Stevie Wonder. He really made the song his own and put a lot of emotion into it. I bet I looked like such an idiot due to my constant staring at him. I couldn’t believe such a voice would come out of such a normal boy.

“Isn’t she lovely made from love.” He finished, smiling at both of us.
“That was amazing!” Hayley clapped, then going back to her CD’s.
“Thanks.” He smiled, shuffling his feet on the floor.
“Yeah, it was really good.” I smiled, leaning against the beige wall.
“Good to know I didn’t just made a fool out of myself then.” He laughed.
“No, you didn’t. I was really surprised, Harry. You’ve got talent.”
“You sound like my mum!” He joked, pressing down on some of the piano keys.

The rest of the period included Hayley and I both singing and Harry attempting to play the piano along to the CD. He might have been able to sing, but play the piano? No, but it was entertaining. 

The period finally ended and I made my way to R.E, which I had with Zayn, Liam, Niall and Lucy. Our teacher was in a really bad mood, so we had a lot of writing to do. But all in all, today had been quite a good day. When R.E was finally over and we were released from school, I collected my stuff from Hayley’s locker and waited for her to collect her stuff so we could walk home. 

“Boo!” Harry whispered into my ear, giving me one hell of a fright.
“You idiot!” I laughed, hitting him with my school bag.
“I bruise like a peach! Be delicate.” He pouted, pushing my bag away.
“Then don’t sneak up on my next time.” I frowned as I began to leave with Hayley.
“What way do you walk?” Harry asked.
“Down Elizabeth street.” I smiled.
“I live not far from there, mind if I walk too?” He asked.
“Fine with me.” Hayley shrugged, pulling out her phone.

When we got to Hayley’s house, I hugged her and told her I would see her in the morning - ready for another early wakeup call. She agreed and then it was just Harry and I. It wasn’t much of a long walk away, so I didn’t have to worry about awkward silences.

“So your second name is Styles? Wow. What a name.” I said, sounding quite impressed.
“Yeah, it’s not a bad name I suppose. What about you?” He asked, sliding his hands into his pockets as he walked.
“Anderson. Rachel Anderson. Nothing special.” I shrugged, noticing we were coming up to my house.
“I think it’s a lovely name.” He smiled.

He was being really nice to me. And normally when guys were being nice to me, it’s because they thought I was “easy” and they wanted to get into my pants. I was desperately hoping Harry wasn’t like that. As I got to my doorstep, I turned to wave at Harry.

“Wait, let me see your phone.”

I obliged and slowly passed Harry my phone, a confused look washed over my face.

He quickly typed something in and passed it back to me with a smile across his face.

“Text me tonight, okay?” He winked before walking away.
“Kay.” I whispered to myself, knowing he was too far away to hear me. 

Walking into my house, I noticed the sudden temperature change, causing my hands to become itchy and to swell up. I kicked my shoes off and hung my jacket up on the coat rail outside my room, then I heard my mum shuffle to my feet.

“Did you have a productive day today?” She smiled, cupping my face with her oven gloves.
“Today was great.” I smiled.

—

My usual wakeup call, Hayley, arrived just on queue today. When she woke me up, I was in such a peculiar mood. Opening my eyes wide straight away, I burst into tears. Hayley was used to this sort of thing, but sat on the end of my bed comforting me.

“I’m so sorry.” I sobbed, rubbing my puffy eyes against the bed sheets.
“It’s fine.” She smiled off. “But we need to get you ready for school.”

I agreed. And almost instantaneously, I was fine and dandy again. Nothing unusual for me, it normally happened on a daily basis; My emotions changing at the flick of a switch. 

“I’ll go and get your medication, you get changed.”

I was left alone to get dressed, quickly throwing on my stuff so I wouldn’t be alone for too long. I didn’t want to break out into tears again, not having someone by my side to support me. I quickly brushed my hair back, pulling it into a messy ponytail, my bangs twisted off to the side. Hayley walked in with a glass of water and two brightly coloured pills as I was applying the last touched to my makeup.

Swallowing them down, I felt slightly claustrophobic as I felt my throat close around the small, beady pill. Clenching my eyes shut, I felt the objects slide down until they were almost non-existent anymore. I hated taking my medication, but it helped me stay “in control” at school - most of the time.

——

“So, what do you think about this Harry kid then?” Hayley asked as we walked the short distance to school.
“He seems nice.” I shrugged, shuffling my feet through the few auburn leaves that had began to fall. “A little obnoxious, but nice.” I added.
“You two seem so comfortable around each other, and it’s only been a day.” She laughed, looking at the road ahead of us.
“Strange, huh? Wait until he finds out that I’m bipolar. He’ll think I’m a freak..” I mumbled.
“If he’s actually as nice as he seems, then he wont.” She replied reassuringly.

Hayley was right, as always. If Harry was anything that I expected him to be, then he would be as supportive as everyone else about my.. “situation.” But it was too soon to even mention it to him - far too soon.

Registration flew past so quickly. Harry had now moved into our little “crowd”, so he sat with us in the mornings. Everybody seemed to get on so well with him. He cracked jokes with Louis, recited accents with Zayn, talked about guitars with Niall and shared fashion tips with Liam - all in the space of fifteen minutes. He also had time to arrange something to do at the weekend with us. Lucy was complaining that we were all loners with nothing to do on Friday night and Harry suggested that we came around to his place. That his sister, Sarah, would keep herself busy in her room and that his mum and Dad were at a bed and breakfast for the weekend because they were visiting Harry’s grandparents. It sounded like a good plan, so we all agreed on it.

To start off the day, I had a double period of home economics. This was the first cooking lesson of the term so we had to pick new cooking partners. I hadn’t figured out who was in my class yet until I saw Sarah, Jessica, Niall, Harry and Louis stride in along with some other familiar faces. I was surprised to see so many boys had picked this subject, not to sound sexist or anything..

Jessica and Niall quickly paired up. It was boy-girl pairings, so Louis chose Sarah. Not like it took much convincing - We could clearly see he had a thing for Harry’s sister. It was adorable. Harry looked around like a lost puppy. I quickly grabbed his attention, clicking my fingers and waving my arms. I wasn’t wanting to get paired with some creep who would probably get dandruff in my cookies. That didn’t sound appealing to me; at all. Harry got the message and slipped into the chair beside me. 

The teacher passed around aprons, plastic boxes and placed ingredients out on the center table. We were told to make a light and fluffy sponge cake. Whatever flavor we wanted, whatever ingredients we wanted. As long as it was cake, it would be fine. I had to ask for Harry’s assistance to tie the back of my apron. Him, being the joker he was, tied it almost unbearably tight - pulling me back into him as I tried to give myself some air. He eventually slackened it off, asking if I was alright. I laughed it off, making sure I tied his apron even tighter. 

“You’re going to cut my balls off!” He protested.
“What balls?” I laughed sarcastically, eventually loosening the knot.

“Rachel, Harry! I’m not going to have to split you two up, am I?” The teacher called out.
“No ma’m.” Harry said directly too her.
“Ma’m?” I scoffed under my breath. Good thing the teacher didn’t hear.

Throwing a bunch of random ingredients into a bowl, I began to mix ferociously. I, like most girls my age, lacked arm muscles so failed in attempt to mix the egg, flour and.. other items together. Harry and Niall, on the other hand, were miles ahead. They had even done the dishes! Jessica and I were fairly impressed.

“Can you mix this for me?” I asked Harry, pushing my bowl in his direction. He was squatting, staring into the oven as his “creation” began to bake.
He looked up at me from the floor, standing up and looking at my “creation” in the bowl.
“Looks like you could use all the help you can get.” He laughed, taking the bowl from me and beginning to whisk. Very fast.

I looked over at Jessica who had her eyes locked on Harry’s arms. She glanced at me as I raised my eyebrows at her, aiming them toward Harry. Clearly we were both impressed, but she should’ve been focusing on Niall who could see that she was eying up Harry. I gave her a look of “warning”. She quickly caught on and looked back at Niall, smiling. He was glad to have her attention again.

“Slow down, you’ll pull a muscle!” I laughed, watching his curls bounce as he slowed his whisking pace down. His face was filled with such sternness and concentration, eyebrows furrowed.

“At least that’s it done now, slow coach.” He smiled, passing the bowl with the smooth content over to me.

“You’re coming over this weekend, aren’t you?” Harry asked, observing me as I poured my mixture into a cake tin. 
“Think so.” I nodded, looking up at him from my bowl.
“And what about you two?” Harry asked, leaning over the counter to Jessica and Niall.
“If teenie here is going, I’ll come.” Niall laughed, elbowing Jessica.

She really was tiny! But gorgeous, none of the less. She laughed along with him - Niall’s laugh being heard from miles away. He truly had the most contagious laugh going, causing Harry and I to laugh along. The teacher snapped at us, threatening to move us again. What a bitch. Couldn’t she let us have a little bit of fun? Clearly not.

Finished scraping the cake mix into the tin, I popped on some oven-gloves and placed my cake in the oven next to Harry’s. Crouched down, I sat and watched the cakes rise. Harry’s was ten minutes ahead of mine, looking like picture perfection. He squatted down beside me, looking into the oven but talking directly to me.

“I’ll make this weekend one to remember.”

—

Harry’s words were hanging on me for the rest of the school-week. It made me really anxious for Friday to come, and when Friday finally did come, it dragged. It felt like the longest day ever - period.

I felt somewhat happy when the last class of the day arrived. Drama. I loved drama, it had to be one of my favorite subjects. Our teacher was great, too. She let us pick our own partners and use our imagination for a short play. I had come to the conclusion that Harry was in most of my classes, but not all of them. Niall, Zayn and Hayley were also in our Drama class and Niall suggested that we all worked together to come up with an idea.

“We need to pass this one. Or.. I need to pass this one.” Niall said, reminding us of his really bad performance for his drama exam last year.
“It wasn’t your fault.” I said, trying to hold back my laugher. “It was your group, you were paired with the wrong people.”
“Let’s not reminisce, please.” Niall mumbled, pushing his hand in my face.

We never managed to come up with an idea. Good thing we had two weeks to work on this, otherwise we’d all be getting a fail. The weekend would be a good chance to come up with ideas and plots for this project, so we had plenty of time. 
The bell rang and we packed up our belongings, relieved that it was now the weekend. More importantly, the night of Harry’s party. Hayley, Lucy and Jessica had planned to come over to my house with a bunch of clothes. I had my own outfit planned, but they wanted my help.

——-

I was still lounging about in my school stuff when Hayley, Jessica and Lucy came over. I had completely lost track of time and we only had an hour and a half before we were due at Harry’s. But we had an advantage, it turned out he only lived ten minutes away.

I didn’t get any chance to greet them. They flew right into my empty house and ran upstairs with countless bags of clothing items and what not. Good thing my parents were at work.

“Is my outfit alright?” I asked, closing my bedroom door behind them and pointing at the neatly placed outfit laid out on my bed.

“I love the shorts!” Jessica said, open-mouthed.
“Fourteen pound, not bad right?” I laughed, walking over to the bags they had brought.

I found lots of shorts and a few white, flared shirts. I picked out a colorful floral playsuit with nude heels for Jessica. A beige colored flared shit with pale skinny jeans and brown brogues for Hayley, and for Lucy? A pair of white, floral shorts along with a retro Michael Jackson t-shirt to match her strapped black heels. 

We all took a good look at ourselves in my mirror once we were dressed. To be perfectly honest, we didn’t look half bad. And I was really proud of the outfit I had chosen for myself {outfit}

I planned on applying a little more makeup than usual, because it was a special night out. Foundation, powder, Smokey eyes, liquid liner, pencil liner, candy-pink lip gloss, pale pink blusher and some lash-boosting mascara. It sounded like a lot, but I made sure not to overdo it. My hair was pushed up into a high, messy ponytail with my fringe brushed over to the side, hairsprayed down.

“It’s time to go!” Lucy squealed.
“Why are you so excited?” I laughed, walking out of my bedroom, hearing my heels clip on the wooden floor.
“Because I can feel that tonight’s going to be good.” She grinned, walking down the stairs.
“Wait!” Hayley suddenly burst out as we reached the bottom of the stairs. “Have you taken your medication?” She asked me.
“Yes.”

I lied. 

“Good girl.” She smiled, continuing to walk downstairs.

Venturing the short distance to Harry’s house was easy, even though we were ten minutes late. It wasn’t much of a big deal I suppose. Hearing my heels clip against the path up to his front door, I chapped lightly on it a few times. I could hear music thumping from inside the house, it made my heart flutter with excitement. A warm late-summer breeze brushed past all of us, making me feel lovely and fresh. Placing my hands in the pockets at the front of my shorts, Harry came to the door with a can of cider in his hand.

“Fashionably late, I see?” He laughed, standing back from the door to allow us in.
“You’re lucky we’re even here.” I joked, patting him on the chest on my way past.

I could hear him making small conversation with Jessica whilst the rest of us made our way into the kitchen. I could see Zayn leaning up against the counter, beer in hand, looking very smooth. It didn’t take much for him to look edgy and.. hot. Yes,  Zayn was hot. But you’d have to be mentally deficient in all areas not to think so. But he “belonged” to Lucy, and I wasn’t going to interfere with that. Louis and Liam were also leaning against the counter, laughing and talking to each other whilst Niall was no where to be found.

“Where’s Niall?” I shouted over the music to Liam.
“I think he’s in the living room.” He replied, pointing behind me.

I smiled and nodded, taking an apple cider from the table and walking through to find Niall. Harry was still talking to Jessica and she now had a drink in her hand. Jessica was pretty much a light-weight, so I would have to keep a close eye out on her tonight. No doubt she would get drunk easily. 

There were alot, and I mean ALOT, of people all around the house. The living room seamed to be the center of it all. There was a heavy smell of cigarette smoke, alcohol and lots of shouting and laughing. I could hear Niall’s laugh in the background - his very adorable Irish chuckle. I eventually saw him sitting on the couch with a beer, talking to Colleen from our English class. Might I just say, Colleen had the loveliest shoes I had ever seen. 

“Niall!” I smiled as he looked up to my tall figure towering over him as he sat on the couch.

He must have already been drunk as it took him longer than it should to register who I was. But it was amusing to see his face instantly click and a smile break through as he soon recognized me.

“Rachel! Don’t you look lovely?” He said, his eyes wondering around me.
“You brush up nicely yourself.” I laughed, looking over to Colleen and smiling. “You alright?” I asked her.
“Fine thanks.” She shouted back through all of the noise with a smile.
“Jessica’s outside if you want her.” I said to Niall.
“Is she drinking?” He shouted back.

I nodded.

“I’ll wait a while then.” He laughed, taking a gulp of his beer.
“I’ll see you two around then, okay?” I asked before walking away, back into the kitchen where it was a bit quieter.

Lucy and Zayn were already at it. And “It” would be making out. But they weren’t the only ones. I had seen at least seven other people sucking each others face’s off. I was practically immune to it now. Louis was now talking to Harry’s sister, Sarah. She looked like a really genuine girl. Bit of a goody-two-shoes, due to the fact she was drinking a Bacardi-breezer. A beginners drink. Taking a seat next to Liam by the kitchen table, I took a sip of the bitter apple cider in my hand.

“Having fun?” I asked.
“It’s not bad, actually.” He said, looking over at me with his elbow leaning on the table and his hand cupping his cheek.

The tension between Liam and I seemed to have vanished, or it was forgotten about for now. He complimented me on my outfit a few times, making me feel really good about myself. Or my outfit, at least. After a few minutes of small talk, I decided it was probably best to go and check on Jessica. Her being a light-weight with drink and all, who knows what she could be up to?

Telling Liam I would see him later, I placed my third empty can on the table and pushed myself up off of the seat. Stumbling a little bit, I soon made my way to the door and headed to the last place I saw her, the hallway. Squeezing my eyes, I managed to make out two people standing near the door way. Smiling to myself, I walked up to the two figures. 

It was Jessica and Harry, but I was too late. Jessica had done something stupid. Unforgettably stupid. Her two hands were resting upon Harry’s chest as he leaned against the door, his arms placed on her waist. They were one of the many drunken teenagers fondling with each other. Thing is, Harry wasn’t drunk. Jessica was. I could smell the alcohol, it was oozing from her.

Considering I’ve only known Harry for a few days, you might think that this isn’t a big deal. But I knew that a part of me liked him, and because I hadn’t taken my medication, it hit me as hard as a rock. The fact he was taking advantage of Jessica, who was to drunk to know what was going on sickened me. I couldn’t say anything, but Harry soon saw me. He looked guilty, also not saying anything as Jessica broke down in tears. Exactly what I felt like doing. 

Niall soon came along, finding out everything instantly. Being drunk, everything was a hazy mess through my eyes. I could hear shouting, screaming, crying and banging. I felt emotionally sick, not physically. Tucking my head into my chest, I threw the door open, making Harry who was leaning against it stumble. Slamming it behind me, I placed both of my hands firmly around my ears. It still wouldn’t block out the sounds of a perfectly ruined night. I was taking things to heart, even though I shouldn’t have. Not taking my medication was the biggest mistake I had ever made. Everything felt ten times, maybe twenty times worse than they actually were. 

I had no idea where I was going, but I didn’t care. I had to get away from it all. Everything happened so quickly, making me feel dizzy even trying to think about it. I eventually stopped and took a seat on the edge of a cold, stony pavement - head in my knees. I began to blame myself. I should’ve checked on Jessica earlier, or taken Niall to her straight away, as soon as she picked up the first can. But I didn’t. The feeling of depression kicked in, making me completely lose control. Clenching onto the roots of my head, I began screaming violently. My screams really broke the silence of the night, breaking through the darkness of the empty street.

I had lost control and nobody was here to stop my body from doing whatever it was willing to do.

—

I couldn’t tell you how long I sat outside in the eerily empty street. My mind was buzzing, unable to comprehend what had just happened. I could still hear my screams echoing throughout the darkness, even though I had stopped. My heart was pulsating, gut-wrenching pain travelling throughout my stomach. It was agony.

Pulling my hands away from my ears, I lay back on the pavement, inhaling deeply and exhaling. I could see the sky perfectly. It was clear, stars twinkling ever so often. I could hear footsteps coming towards me, but I couldn’t look. I was in some sort of trance.

“Rachel? Get up off the floor!” A familiar voice croaked.

It was Liam. He stood over me, his legs at either side of my waist as I lay motionless, my eyes gazing at him. He reached his hands out to grasp mine, pulling me up from the cold concrete. My vision turned hazy as I got up to fast. Stumbling, Liam pulled me into him, tightening his grasp around my waist as my back faced him.

“I heard you screaming.” He mumbled into my ear.
“It hurts.” I whispered back.
“I know it does. But imagine how Niall feels?”
“Niall. Fuck, is he alright?” I groaned, scratching my head.
“He’s far from alright.” Liam said, turning me to face him. “You’re strong, Rachel. Niall needs your help right now. I know you take things so hard, but you need to try and put your feelings aside; just for now. Can you do that? For Niall’s sake.”

My eyes were locked on Liam’s brown orbs, wandering from one to the other. Finding no words to say, I nodded slowly, feeling him lightly grasp my hand and trail me in a familiar direction.

“Are we going back?” I asked.
“We have to. Jessica’s in tears, Niall left. I need to you comfort her whilst I look for him.” He said, his eyes focused on the road ahead.
“And what about Harry?”
“What about the cunt? He took advantage of Jess. She didn’t know what was going on.” He shrugged, beginning to walk faster.
“No, I mean.. where is he?”
“He’s still in the house. Everyone’s gone except Jess, Zayn, Lucy, Hayley and.. us.”
“Alright.” I mumbled.

Our journey soon came to a stop. My mind had eased, but I still felt hurt. I shouldn’t have been hurt, but I was. I wasn’t going to let Harry know that, though. That would increase his ego rapidly - not like he needed any help with that.
Liam opened the door. Harry’s house was a lot different this time round. No music was playing, the house was a mess, it was almost empty.. different. I felt anxious walking in, scared of what was going to kick off. The kitchen light was on and I could hear faint mumbling. Liam let go of my hand and stood behind me, lightly pushing me towards the kitchen.

Walking in slowly, I saw Jessica sitting by the table with Hayley and Lucy at each side of her. Zayn and Louis were standing away from it all, looking timid and shaken. Niall, on the other hand, was no where to be seen. Just Liam had said.

“I’m away to find Niall, will you be alright?” Liam asked from behind me, lightly brushing my waist with his hand.

“I’ll be fine.” I said, turning my neck to give him a sympathetic smile before venturing over to the table.

Louis and Zayn followed Liam, obviously wanting to go looking for Niall too. I would’ve happily went searching for him, because I love Niall so much, in a friend was ovcourse, but I had to comfort Jessica. It was my “duty.”

“How are you feeling?” I asked, my tone quite shaky as I keeled down to her height.
“I didn’t mean it.” She mumbled, clearly still drunk.
“I know you didn’t.” I said, patting her head that was resting against the table. “It’s Harry’s fault. He took advantage of you.” 
“I can’t blame it all on him.” She sighed, lifting her head up, “I should’ve said no.”
“You were drunk!” Hayley protested, “You weren’t in control.”
“Trust me, I know how that feels. It wasn’t your fault, Jess.” I said, rubbing her arm.
“What about Niall?” She asked, as if she had just realized that he wasn’t around.
“He’s just.. He’s just having a moment. Give him some time.” I reassured her.

This whole time, I couldn’t stop thinking about Harry and Niall’s where abouts. I knew Niall was out wandering the endless streets, but Liam told me Harry was still here, in the house. Should I go and look for him? Shout at him? Declare war with him for leading my friend on? That’s what I wanted to do. But I felt abundant because I knew I would do something stupid, due to not taking my medication. That didn’t stop me though.

“Where’s Harry?” I asked Lucy, slightly reluctant.
“I think he’s in his room, or the living room.” She replied, as if I was asking her to stand on hot coal, barefoot. “Why?”
“Because I want to speak to him.” I shrugged, standing up from my crouching position. 
“Be careful. He seemed pretty pissed with himself. A lot happened once you left.” Hayley mumbled.
“Why, what happened?” I asked, suddenly eager to stay with them.
“He got in a fight. Niall challenged him, seizing him up. And then, Harry just snapped. Clocking Niall right in the jaw.”
“He hit Niall?” I gasped, emphasizing the word ‘hit’.
“Mhm.” Lucy nodded, Jessica sighing at the thought of it.
“I’ll be right back.” 

Feeling suddenly angry at the thought of Harry hurting Niall, my Niall, our Niall - really sickened me. Niall wasn’t in the wrong, Harry was. He should’ve been the one who was struck in the jaw. If it was me, I would’ve thumped him right in the balls. Wandering through the hallway, I looked into the living room to see if Harry was there. The room was dark, still smoky but empty. No sign of Harry, no sign of anyone. 

The whole house was dark except from the little passageway of light coming from the kitchen. Using that light as a guide, I wandered up the stairs in search for Harry; to give him a piece of my mind. There were so many rooms, and being half drunk didn’t make it any harder to see in the dark. One door was open, however. I decided that was the room I would check first. Storming in, I saw Harry lying on his bead, his head propped up by his pillow. His hands were joined together on his elongated knees. He didn’t look startled to see me. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” I stammered, standing by his door.”
“Lying on my bed. How drunk are you?” He snarled, unlocking his hands and crossing one of his legs over the other.
“No shit, sherlock. I mean what are you playing at? With Jessica? With Niall!” 

I was practically spitting my words at him, feeling all streams of emotion. Did I care? Fuck no.

“It was a mistake. Forget about it.” He sighed, putting his hands up in defeat.
“One big mistake, don’t you think? How can Niall forget about it? You’ve probably gone and ruined his relationship with Jessica, you prick.” I mumbled, shaking my head at his tolerance level.
“Enough with the badmouthing? It’s going to get you know where.”
“I’m not wanting to get anywhere. But I think you owe some people an apology. Louis, Zayn and Liam are out on the streets looking for Niall. Nobody knows where he is and it’s all your fault! Do you even care?”

All of a sudden, Harry sprung up from his bed. As if all my angry words were building up inside him, he let loose like a caged tiger, minus the cage. He began speaking, slowly making his way towards me.

“Don’t even ask if I care. Ovcourse I care! I didn’t mean to do it, I know how Jessica and Niall feel about each other. It was a mistake - you’re acting like you’ve never made a mistake. It’s over, it’s done. All I can do is apologize, but people need their space. Give me some time!”
“You should have taken this all into consideration before you went and lead Jessica on. You took advantage of her when she was drunk!”
“Why do you care so much? This has nothing to do with you! It’s between Niall, Jessica and I. Back off!”
“They are my friends! They mean so much to me, and you wrecked everything. You’ve not even been here a week, and you’ve already messed it all up. You’re so incoherent!”

I could see his breathing rate increase. He looked so angry, so tense. His fists were clenched and he was gritting his teeth. This was the first time I felt scared to be with Harry, I should have ran away. But I didn’t.

“Don’t make false assumptions about me.” He said through gritted teeth, his eyes showing no emotion.
“You can’t talk about false assumptions, Harry. You were the one asking Liam if I was “Good”, why would you even ask that? You think I’m some slut now, and you say I make false assumptions?”
“When did I ever say I thought you were a slut? Maybe you are, I wouldn’t know.”
“You’re right, you wouldn’t know. You don’t even know half of the story.”
“Then let me know.” He shrugged, edging closer to me.
“I can’t. I can’t trust you, not yet.”
“We have to change that then, don’t we?”

Before I knew what was going on, I could feel Harry’s lips press against mine. So soft, so moist, so wrong. I couldn’t stop him, not like I wanted to. He tasted sweet, very smooth. I could sense him asking for entrance, but I was too reluctant. He was very adventurous, his hands wandering around my frame. It was all so hazy, I didn’t know what was happening. I was enjoying myself so much.

This was so wrong.

—

I knew I was getting caught up in the heat of the moment, but the rush of excitement I got was amazing - especially after feeling so down and depressed. But my mood does change rapidly. Even though I was enjoying myself, I knew I couldn’t be kissing Harry. I knew he shouldn’t have been kissing me. It doesn’t make the situation any better; in fact, it makes it a lot worse.

“Get off me..” I mumbled through his lips.
“Loosen up” he calmly replied.
“Harry, back off!” I groaned in disgust, pushing him off of me with regret.

As if he had just come to the realization of what he had did, he suddenly looked very remorseful. I knew Harry wasn’t a stupid boy, he knew exactly what he was doing but tried to make it look like he had no clue. I didn’t know whether to run out screaming, or to stand here simply staring at him - which I was doing right now.

“Go to bed, Harry.” I whispered before leaving his room.

Walking downstairs and into the kitchen, I noticed that the atmosphere had picked up. I planned on not telling everyone what had happened between Harry and I. This was no time to make bad situations even worse, who knew what the guys would’ve done to Harry. Not that I cared, he was disgusting. But it wasn’t their right to know - not now, anyway.

“Liam called.” Jessica sniffed, wiping the underside of her nose.
“He did? What did he say!” I asked, suddenly feeling picked up.
“They found Niall. He’s fine, but he’s really upset.” She mumbled, her eyes still puffy and red.
“Where did they find him?”
“He was on the swings, at the park around the corner. So he didn’t get very far.” Lucy said, a sigh of relief escaping her lips.
“Thank fuck.” I grinned.
“And how’s Harry?” Hayley asked.
“Do you guys even care?” I laughed at her question.
“I’m sure he didn’t mean it. But how is he anyway?” Lucy butted in.
“He’s.. just dandy.”

———-

The rest of the weekend flew by. I tried to make my Sunday last as long as possible. I didn’t want to think of having to face Harry on Monday, and I didn’t like the sound of him and Niall being in the same classes together. Niall would be in hysterics. 

That didn’t stop Harry from bothering me, though. Since we had been texting each other before the incident had happened, he now had my number and kept texting me to check up on me. To see if I was alright with him and if I had told anyone about what happened between us - obviously I hadn’t.

Waking up just before twelve in the afternoon on Sunday, the first thing I did was check my phone; knowing I would have a text or two from Harry. I was right.

Harry X “I know i keep saying i’m sorry, but i really am. Please tell the others? They’ll never believe me ): .xxx”

Harry X “I hope everything is okay between us… <3 .xxx”

Harry X “Are you ignoring me? I feel like such a prick. I never meant to hurt all of you ): .xxxxx”

Debating over whether I should leave him hanging in agony for any longer, I soon gave in as I found my fingers gliding over the keypad of my blackberry. 

“They are obviously going to be pissed with you. Niall and Jess are on the verge of breakup. As for us? didn’t even know there was an us. : x”

Harsh, but after everything he has done? He deserved it. We hadn’t even known Harry for a week, yet we all thought we could trust him. Clearly not. A big part of me knew that somehow, Harry would manage to make his way back into the group. He would flash that cheeky smile, show some dimples and ruffle his thick, chocolaty curls and then everyone would find him.. Charming once again. Niall and him would still have some beef, and things would be tense between Harry and Jessica, but it would work out in the end. I had this all accurately planned out in my head.

Grabbing my phone, I shuffled my feet along my bedroom carpet and made my way down to the kitchen to stuff my face will sugary products. A perfect brunch. I must’ve been sweating during my sleep as my polka-dot pajamas were sticking onto me for dear life. Placing my phone on the counter, I walked over to the fridge and opened it up.

“Hi love.” My dad smiled to me as he read the Sunday paper at the breakfast bar.
“Hey.” I replied bluntly, pulling the milk out of the fridge.

Closing the fridge door with my foot, I reached up and grabbed a bowl from the cupboard a long with come coco pops. One of the best cereals ever created - period. Pouring in a large amount of milk and cereal, I placed everything else away and grabbed myself a spoon, tucking straight into my coco pops before I had even had a chance to sit down at the breakfast bar.

“Must be hungry?” My dad laughed as some milk dribbled down my chin.

Nodding, I decided to keep conversation very minimal. I was in one of “those” moods today. My Dad must have sensed this as he decided to also keep the conversation minimal. Quickly finishing off my cereal, I pushed the bowl to the side and rested my head on the cold surface that was the counter-top.

“You’re phones lighting up.” My dad implied, pointing to the small object behind my head.

Picking it up, I noticed a new text from Harry. Sighing, I opened it as I made my way through to the living room. Throwing myself harshly into the couch, I began to read the message.

Harry X “Don’t be so harsh. I have feelings too you know? There might not be an us, for now, but that doesn’t mean i want to cut off all ties with you. Please forgive me? )))): .xxxx”

He was making this out into some big soppy love, heartbreak and betrayal story.

“I’ve only known you for a few days. Stop taking everything so.. seriously? We are pissed with what you did. Leave it at that. xx”

Harry X “Don’t go off in one of your moods again : .xxx”

I soon then realized Harry still hadn’t found out that I was bipolar. I hadn’t really intended on him figuring that out just yet. He’s clearly not one to be trusted just yet, so I didn’t feel comfortable telling him half of my life story. He’d fine out when it was important; and right now, it wasn’t. I hadn’t forgiven him for kissing Jessica, hurting Niall and then thinking he could go off kissing me and I would forgive him for everything he had done. He was sick if he thought that would fix everything.

“I’ll see you at school. xx” I text back before pushing my phone onto the table. 

I felt so stressed out and drained, I was in no mood for a boy who thought he knew everything about me when in actual fact, he knew nothing. 

Harry and I had a long way to go yet…

—

Waking up feeling exhausted on the Monday morning, I was surprised to see no sign of Hayley. I felt proud that I had managed to wake myself up for a chance, to even get up in plenty of time for school! That was an accomplishment for me.

Rubbing my eyes with the palm of my hand, smearing some left-on mascara from the night before, I grunted and pulled on some clean underwear along with my school uniform. Pushing my hair up into a scruffy pony tail, I pinned my over-grown blonde fringe to the side and applied my usual makeup. I could hear my mum rattling around downstairs, opening the front door as someone knocked very faintly on it.

“Rachel? Someone’s at the door for you!” My mum called from downstairs.
Figuring it was Hayley, I shouted back at my mum to let them up.

Spritzing myself with any random perfume, I sat on my bed and started placing some of my school books into my bag. My door opened very gingerly, and without looking up, I began speaking.

“Today is going to be so awkward.” I moaned, zipping up my bag.
“Let’s not make it awkward then.”

Immediately, my head shot up and saw the very unexpected figure standing in the frame of my door.

“Harry? What are you doing here?!” I shrieked, jumping up from my bed.
“Just wanted to check up on you..” He said timidly, looking at the ground with his hands in the pockets of his school trousers.
“At ten to eight in the morning? Right.” I scoffed, picking up my bag and flinging it over my shoulder.

Barging past Harry, I made my way down the stairs before turning around; saying to Harry “Are you coming? Don’t want you snooping around in my room.” 

Following my command, he trailed behind me downstairs and into the kitchen as I flung my bag onto one of the barstools at the breakfast table and gathering some bread from the fridge.

“Just take a seat or something.” I mumbled, shoving some bread into the toaster. “Hungry?” I added.

“I’m fine.” He said softly, taking a seat on one of the barstools. 

Being in the presence of Harry, in my own house, felt very awkward. I felt strange eating around him as he watched my every bite, making me feel slightly uncomfortable. I wasn’t used to being this closely observed by a boy I hardly knew, practically a stranger. The feeling of anger still lingered in my body, remembering what had happened on Friday; how could I forget? Things were going to be even more awkward when we got to registration, or any of our classes. Especially ones that Harry had with Niall or Jessica. 

I was amazed at how comfortable Harry acted around me, especially after I rejected a kiss from him - even though I didn’t reject it for around two minutes. He tried to act as if nothing happened, but we both remembered. Every time he glanced over to me, directly in the eyes, I had to look away quickly. The insecure and socially awkward side of me taking over.

“Rachel, isn’t it about time you left for school?” My mum asked, walking into the kitchen. She could sense the eerie silence between Harry and I as we sat doing nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“We were just about to go.” I nodded, pulling my bag over my shoulder.

Walking towards the door, I let Harry leave first before I turned to hug my mum goodbye. As I retrieved from the hug, she gave me a slight smirk, raising her eyebrows at Harry who had his back turned to the street ahead of him.

“What?” I mumbled in an irritated tone.
“Nothing.” She murmured smugly, to my annoyance.
“Shut up!” I groaned, hobbling out of the close, closing the door slightly harder than usual.

As Harry looked over his shoulder to me to make sure I was walking side by side with him, we started on our way to another pointless day at school. I had such a rotten attitude today. Shaking my head at myself in dismay, Harry pushed his left hand down into his pocket, using his right hand to hoist up his school bag.

The painful silence was killing me. I had to say something.

“So, what’s with the wakeup call today then?” I asked, referring to him coming to my house.
“Like I said, I just wanted to check up on you.”
“I don’t need to be checked up on, Harry.” I said coldly, not appreciating what he had done.
“I’ll remember that next time.” He replied in an almost hurt tone, making me feel bad. Obviously.
“Sorry.” I mumbled, peering at him from the corner of my eye.
“You’ve got nothing to apologize for.” 
“What do you mean?”
“I should be the one apologizing for everything. I’ve got a lot to say to everyone today.” He huffed, turning his head to look at me.
“You got that right.” I laughed, adjusting my bag that was slipping off of my shoulder.

The everything fell silent again. I could feel Harry’s eyes burning into me as he looked at me from the corner of his eye. 

“Look, Harry-“
“About the kiss. Forget about it, it was a stupid thing to do.” He butted in.
“Very stupid..” I nodded.
“I just want to put this whole weekend behind me. Behind all of us.”
“And what about Jessica and Niall? I think they’re breaking up.”
“Because of me?” He asked, suddenly in shock.
“Partially. Niall finally warmed up to the fact that it can’t all be your fault. Jessica could’ve said no, drunk or not drunk.”
“Still doesn’t make what I did right. I need to apologize properly to him. Hopefully nothing will kick off.”
“Hopefully.” I echoed.

We finally arrived at school. I saw Hayley standing at the gate, glaring at me. She must’ve been wondering why I was walking with Harry. Why was I walking with him in the first place? Because I accepted his apology. You’ve got to forgive and forget.

“Hey.” Hayley said in a monotone voice, seizing Harry up.
“He apologized, go easy on him.” I whispered to Hayley’s ear.

She nodded and smiled at Harry, a painfully fake smile. As soon as the three of us walked through the electric sliding doors of the school, the bell rang urging us to go to registration. I could also hear the sound of Harry’s heart beating through his white shirt and black jumper.

“It’ll be fine.” I reassured him, patting his back as we walked into registration.

The questioning looks we got as we walked into the room. Looks of pure hatred and evil. Harry tensed up, walking even slower to his seat. I could see Jessica’s eyes falling to the floor as Lucy’s eyes stayed locked on Harry’s. Louis seemed to be fine with the whole thing; being the only one, not including Hayley and I, who was talking to Harry. Liam acted as if he hadn’t noticed Harry coming in and Niall? Niall was glaring. Heavy, full on glaring. I decided to take my seat beside Niall, in between him and Zayn. 

“You alright?” I asked him.
“Just fine.”
“Please don’t be too hard on Harry.”

Niall shot me a very disgusted look, his eyes burning into the inner core of me. Blinking his sight away, I turned to try and warm him up to Harry. 

“He’s really sorry. You wouldn’t believe how sorry.”
“He shouldn’t have done it in the first place then, should he have?” Niall answered coldly.

I soon gave up on the fact that it would take him time to regain his trust in Harry, as for the others, Harry had seemed to already work his charm on them. They were laughing at his jokes and smiling with him, whilst Niall stood our like a sore thumb. 

“I’m really sorry, though.” Harry said between laughs.
“Just forget that last weekend happened. Deal?” Zayn asked?
“Deal.” Everyone nodded, a smile wiped across their face.

There was something very warm and inviting about Harry. He had something special about him. Whether it was his cheeky smile, bright eyes or bouncy locks, he had everyone wrapped around his little finger.

Especially me.

—

Preparing myself for another long week, I made my way up to English with Niall. I could sense this day was going to drag, being Monday and all. Harry started walking behind us, trying to squeeze his way back into Niall’s “approved zone.” Telling Niall I’d catch up with him, I lagged behind to wait for Harry.

“You need to give Niall a bit of space.” I mumbled, waiting until Niall was far enough away to raise my tone.
“I just want him to forgive me.”
“He will! Just give him some time, ‘kay?” I smiled.
“Sure.” He groaned, hoisting his bag up.
“See you in English.” I said before scurrying back to Niall.

Niall shot me tired look through his big blue eyes, sighing gently. I felt so bad for him. He had been texting me a lot over the weekend for reassurance. He really needed a friend and I was happy enough to fill that position for him. He told me that he had gotten no sleep. I could tell from the puffy bags under his eyes.

“It’ll be alright.” I assured him.
“How do you know that though?” He replied, almost whispering.
“I don’t.” I shrugged, looking up at the unfamiliarly unhappy boy who was just over two inches taller than me, “You just have to trust me.”
Rolling his eyes he pursed his lips, walking into English and over to Colleen who gave him a sympathetic look as he walked to his seat beside her.

Taking my seat beside an awaiting Harry, I noticed he had his eyes locked on Niall, biting his lip. Gently slapping the top of his arm, I slid my bag under the desk and sat down. Mrs Allan strode along, bundles of paper in hand.

“To start the week off, we are going to be reading lots of extracts from different poems. Life poems, inspirational poems, famous poems, beauty poems, war poems.. you name it.” 

Walking around the class, she handed a select few a sheet of paper with different sections highlighted. Everybody else, including me, got a normal sheet of paper with a poem on it.

“This poem is called “A thing of beauty” by John Keats. We will all read along together, but if you have a highlighted part, you have to read it out. Don’t wait for my approval, just go ahead. Sarah, you’re first.”

Harry sniggered almost silently at the thought of his sister reading out a section of the poem.

“I don’t know what you’re laughing at, you got a piece to read out too.” I whispered smugly to him.

“A thing of beauty is a joy for ever: 
Its.. lovliness increases;” She stammered, “it will never Pass into nothingness; but still will keep 
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep 
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing,” Sarah finished, stumbling on a few words then listening to see who would continue.

“Therefore, on every m-morrow, are we wreathing 
A flowery band to bind us to the earth, 
Spite of despondence, of the inhuman d-dearth 
Of noble natures, of the gloomy days,” Colleen stuttered, slightly nervous.

A boy called Sean read the next section. “Of all the unhealthy and o.. o’-darkn’d ways 
Made for our searching: yes, in spite of all, 
Some shape of beauty moves away the pall 
From our dark spirits.”

“Such the sun, the moon, 
Trees old and young, sprouting a shady boon 
For simple sheep; and such are daffodils 
With the grey.. No! Green world they live in; and clear rills 
That for themselves a cooling covert make 
‘Gainst the hot season; the mid-forest brake,” Laura whispered, all of us straining to hear.

The thought of Harry having to read next almost made me laugh. No body had managed to process the words properly without stammering or stopping to figure out how to pronounce a word. I had it marked in my head that he wouldn’t do any better. Leaning back in my seat, I began to watch Harry’s lips move in perfect sync with the words.

“Rich with a sprinkling of fair musk-rose blooms: 
And such too is the grandeur of the dooms 
We have imagined for the mighty dead; 
An endless fountain of immortal drink, 
Pouring unto us from the heaven’s brink.”

To my annoyance, but slight pleasure, Harry had managed to speak the words perfectly. Not missing a word. Everything was spot on, right down to the annunciation. I was impressed.

“Well done Harry.” Mrs Allan smiled, “You’ve obviously read a lot of poems in your previous school, correct me if I’m wrong?”
“Not really” He shrugged, pushing the sheet of paper across the table.
“Well, I’ll defiantly chose you next time to do some reading out.”

He didn’t look to bothered by this. Leaning back with his arms crossed, he looked over to a slightly bewildered me. Not wanting to sound cliché, I didn’t plan on bursting out with “That was so beautiful! I almost cried!” Because it would’ve been a lie. But it was a really lovely poem, especially when Harry said it.

“What’s with the staring..?” He laughed, snapping his fingers in front of my face.
“Oi, watch it! You’ll poke my eye out.” I snapped, pushing his hand away.
“Rawr.” He laughed, referring to my feisty-ness.
“I didn’t know you had such a wide vocabulary.”
“Such big words for such a little girl,” He nodded to my question, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
“Just accept the compliment.” I frowned, turning back to face the teacher.

————

I was right, school did drag. Especially Maths. Zayn kept prodding me with the protractor, making Liam laugh. I didn’t find it funny because I knew I’d have a few bruises to explain. Trying to work my way through the rest of the classes before lunch, I was finally repaid with a cheeseburger at “Seventy’s cafe.”

It was quite tense at lunch, in fact. I was in a booth with Lucy, Zayn, Harry and Niall. Niall didn’t want to be beside Jessica, but I doubted he would’ve rather spent his lunch squished up beside Harry. But they managed to sit beside each other in silence, Niall not even acknowledging Harry. I felt uncomfortable, as always, as I noticed Liam kept glancing over at me from the other booth as Zayn was trying to explain something to him. Liam’s eves were very inviting, warm and brown; but I had managed to snap my head away and into the coolness of Harry’s green eyes as he was expressing his love for John Mayer.

Lunch soon passed and Hayley, Zayn, Harry and I made our way up to music in plenty of time. As our exams were drawing to a close, we had to practice our solo instrument. Zayn’s was drums, Harry’s was voice along with mine and Hayley’s. Having been handed some music books, we made our way along to the secluded room and began looking for songs that we could sing in front of the examiner. It had to be something that the teacher could play on the piano, ovcourse. 

“I might do “For good”, from wicked.” Hayley grinned, crossing one of her legs over the other as she sat on one of the desks.
“I was thinking either “Someone like you” by Adele, or “Keep holding on” by Avril Lavigne. Don’t know which one yet.”
“At least you two have something picked. I’ve got fuck all!” Harry laughed, a slight hint of worry in his tone.
“What about..” I droned, flicking through on of the books. “The man who can’t be moved” by The Script?”
“Good song. Could give it a try.”

The rest of the period consisted of Harry trying to remember all of the worst to the song, whilst Hayley plugged in her headphones, listening to her song over and over. What did I do? I was busy focusing on Harry singing. There was something really raw about his voice. It was so unique; like he could sing anything and make it his own - make it sound good! He always put so much emotion into what he was singing, making it enjoyable to watch him. He didn’t seem to mind, I don’t think. And Hayley didn’t even notice, she was too busy mumbling the words to “For good.” 

Tapping my foot on the ground a long to Harry’s voice, I realized how “pretty” he was. He’s not one of those boys you’d notice and stop halfway down the street shouting “Hey, sexy!” But more like.. a boy you would stare at halfway across the room because they’re cute. I didn’t find Harry “cute”, I found him charming, caring, secure, warm.

I was slowly, but surely, under his spell.

—

The next day, Harry didn’t come to my door. Instead, Hayley had returned to being my usual wakeup call. She was very organised and came up stairs with my medication and an icy glass of water for me to take before I got changed into my school clothes.

In my opinion, school was a big waste of time. The only reason I went was because you got to see your friends for seven hours - who wouldn’t want that? The walk to school was rushed due to the fact it was raining and Hayley and I didn’t plan on getting our hair wet. Niall was still huffy today, but mostly with Harry. I soon remembered that we had a double period of Home Economics first. This sounded fun until I also remembered that Jessica and Niall were partners. I could either ask the teacher if I could be partners with Niall instead, but that would mean Harry and Jessica would be partners - and Niall wouldn’t like that, even if the two weren’t dating anymore. I had a few other things planned out in my head.

“Why don’t you work with Sarah?” I asked Niall, “And Jessica can work with Louis, him being her partner and all?”
“Sounds alright, S’pose.”

Seeing as Niall agreed, I had to convince Louis. He wasn’t very happy about the whole plan; he wanted to be with Sarah because it was pretty obvious that he liked her. He’d just have to push his feelings to the side and do what’s best for all of us. Jessica seemed fine with the idea, though. She got on well with Louis and he was always able to crack her up.

“Who are you, Wonder woman?” Harry laughed as I turned my back to face him so he could tie my apron.
“Sure, why not?” I shrugged, hiding a smile.

As he finished tying my apron, he lifted up my hair and planted it all down evenly on my shoulders, smiling to himself as if he was proud.

“Cute.” I mumbled, shaking my head as I turned to tie his apron.

Tying it into a sweet little bow, I laughed to myself and glanced over Harry’s shoulder to see Niall and Sarah were getting a long well, and so were Louis and Jessica. I had done a good job this time. Patting Harry’s shoulder to indicate I was done, I turned to face the teacher.

——

The rest of the day included French, Art, Maths and lastly, P.E. I really enjoyed P.E, especially since we were playing basketball. I was a typical girl at heart, but who doesn’t love a bit of basketball now and again? The dress-code was pretty strict, though; especially for girls. We weren’t allowed to wear trackie-bottoms. We had to wear shorts. A lot of the girls didn’t enjoy this rule, but I wasn’t really bothered by it. I was one of the only girls who actually liked their legs. Mine were long, tan and smooth and I would always get compliments on them. Mostly from boys, which I didn’t mind, but sometimes the really creepy boys. Eugh. Changing into my white shorts outlined with pink, my “I <3 London” t-shirt and white plimsolls, I walked out into the sports hall.

In my P.E class I had Colleen, Niall, Harry, Liam and Lucy along with a few other people. Our teacher, Miss Mathews, handed Harry and Colleen two separate colours of bibs. 

“Harry, Collen, you two get to pick yours teams.”

Sitting back on one of the benches, I looked at Harry, hoping that he would pick me. I wasn’t really bothered who’s team I was on, I just didn’t want to get picked last. Harry had first pick.

“Liam.” He grinned, chucking a green bib to Liam who stood up, shaking his hair around before pulling the bib over his head. I could see some of the girls checking out Liam’s body as his shirt rode up slightly. Typical.

“I’ll chose.. Rebecca.” Collie smiled, handing Rebecca a blue bib.

“Rachel.” Harry smirked, throwing a bib into my face.

Rolling my eyes, I smiled and pulled the bib over my head. As I walked up to them both, I could see Liam whispering in Harry’s ear and Harry then whispering back.

“It’s rude to whisper.” I tutted, folding my arms.
“Just discussing who to pick next, is all.” Harry shrugged, observing the “left-overs” on the bench.
“Pick Lucy, please?” I pleaded.

To my advantage, we all ended up picking Lucy in the end. On our team, we had Harry, Liam, Lucy, Michael, Ashley, Dean and myself. Colleen’s team consisted of herself, Niall, Rebecca, Sean, Carly and Paul. Since we had one extra person, one of us had to sub. Ashley decided to sit out first, not being into sport and all. Sometime I wonder why she even picked P.E? Miss Mathews tossed the ball up in the air as Liam and Niall haggled to see who would catch the ball first.

Liam being the tallest, managed to swoop it instantly out of the air and dribble it right underneath the net before passing it to Lucy as she scored. Doing a little victory dance, Colleen stood at the back wall and threw the ball to Carly. Running up to Carly, I began jumping up and down to block her from passing it to someone else. I had managed to succeed, grasping the ball as she tried to throw it to Paul. Not knowing what to do, I quickly passed the ball to Harry who then dribbled it as far as he could until Niall blocked him. I could smell the tension oozing from Niall.

“Harry, pass it!” I shouted, waving my arms as I stood under the net.

Following my demand, he passed the ball over to me and I swiftly shot it into the net. Niall was swearing under his breath, glaring at Harry even though I was the one who scored. I really hoped the game wouldn’t be like this the whole way through.

“Nice handling.” Liam nodded towards me, sounding impressed.
“I’m not too bad at this I suppose.” I laughed, cracking my knuckles and jogging into the middle of the court.

Sean quickly passed the ball to Carly who then didn’t know what to do with the ball, hence why she passed it to Niall straight away. Niall dribbled the ball and, from halfway across the court, managed to shoot and score.

“Skill!” I shouted, truly in shock with a smile coming after.
“Luck, I’d say.” Harry laughed into my ear, causing me to get goosebumps. 

Rubbing my ear against my shoulder, I shook my head at Harry but couldn’t help smile at his words. Taking the ball from the back of the court, I passed it to Liam who passed it to Michael. Colleen managed to tackle the ball off of Michael and throw it over to Rebecca who tried to score, but failed. The ball bounced off the ring and right into my arms. Dribbling up to the net, I noticed I was surrounded and would have no chance of actually getting the ball in. Bouncing it underneath Sean’s legs, Harry caught it and pushed the ball in with the tip of his fingers.
Patting Harry on the back, I congratulated him. 

“Ashley, your turn to go in now. Rachel, you’re out.”

Sighing, I dragged my feet over to the bench and wished Ashley luck. Plodding myself down, I rested my elbows on my knees and laid my head in my hands, watching the game progress in front of me. 

The rest of the game went pretty well. Harry scored another two goals, Liam three and Lucy and Ashley managed to score one each. Michael didn’t score anything, but he was a very good defender. Halfway through, Harry jogged up to me. He looked genuinely tired. His face was slightly red with beads of sweat emanating from his forehead - his curls slightly frizzier than usual. In my opinion, this made him bypass the “cute” stage, and enter the first steps of “fit”-ness.

“Having fun?” He asked me, slightly out of breath.
“Suppose. Got a nice view.” I said smugly.
“You do, don’t you?” He smirked, running his fingers through the curls dangling over his forehead.
“I was talking about Liam.” I said in a monotone voice.
“Oh..” He said awkwardly, standing upright.
“Kidding!” I laughed, a tear forming in my eye, “You’re too easy!”
“Haha. You are so funny.” Ge moaned, trying to act serious but I could sense he was hiding a smile.

As Harry was called back in, I regained my position, watching them continue the game. All was going well until Niall and Harry came face-to-face again. Niall had the ball in his hand and Harry was just over a few inches in front of him, trying to block Niall from passing the ball. I could see the anger growing in Niall as his grip tightened on the ball. Quick as a flash, Niall threw the ball into Harry’s gut. Surprisingly, Harry managed to grab the ball at his stomach without it actually hitting him. This was the point where I should’ve stepped in, but I didn’t. Stupidly.

“What the fuck was that for?!” Harry shouted, throwing the ball on the ground. I watched it as it bounced along the floor.
“You were in my way!” 
“It’s called marking, that’s what you’re supposed to do you twat.” Harry spat, turning his back to walk away.
“Don’t call me a twat, you cunt!” Niall shouted, grabbing Harry by the shoulder and turning him around.
“Tawt.” Harry said smugly, inches away from Niall’s face.

Pursing his lips, Niall brought his hands round to the back of Harry’s head, grasped onto his hair with force and smashed their heads together. 

Crack.

Harry fell to the floor with a thud. Eyes shut. Blood everywhere.

—

My body felt paralyzed - motionless. I was so surprised by Niall’s actions. Firstly, I never knew he had it in him. Secondly, I never thought it would ever get that stage; him causing someone physical pain. It was just so out-of-body for Niall. Eventually finding my feet, I ran straight up to Niall. The teacher was leaning over Harry, telling Niall to back away whilst she checked on him.

“What the fuck are you playing at?!” I shouted in Niall’s face, pushing his shoulders back with force.
Stumbling, he shot a look of pure evil towards me. “He deserved it!”
“Do you know how immature you sound right now?” I argued, my words spitting Niall in the face.
“Shut the fuck up. You think you know what’s best for everyone, but you don’t. Moody little cow.”

The fact Niall was blaming my “illness” for what he had just done sickened me, right to my gut. He wasn’t labeling the fact I was bipolar and that it made me occasionally moody, but he was hinting towards it. Which made it even worse. A look of hurt and disappointment washed across my face. I couldn’t find any words to say to him; I could only shake my head and back away from him. He had changed so much. Concentrating on his appearance, I noticed how much he had grown up. How independent he was. He wasn’t the little Irish sweetheart who would always turn red and shy whenever anyone came to talk to him. He had turned into a shambles. I couldn’t even recognize him anymore.

“Colleen, go and get your guidance teacher. Tell him to call an ambulance.” The teacher said calmly, although a hint of worry was pushing through her shaky voice.
“Is it really bad?” I mumbled with fright, kneeling down beside her. 

Harry’s body lay limp on the cold, hard wooden floor. I could see his eyes rolling around underneath his closed eyelids. Blood rolled down from a gash at the top left of his forehead, turning burgundy as it began to dry up. I could hear slight whimpers escaping his lips; his swollen, bloody lips. I felt so useless watching him as he lay in pain on the ground. He looked so fragile. So weak.

“Doesn’t look too bad. But he needs to be checked out, I’m not qualified for this.” The gym teacher, Mr Richard, explained.
“Can anyone go in the ambulance?” Liam asked, crouching down beside me and placing his arm around my shoulder.
“Two people can go. Just so he can see a familiar face when he wakes up.”
“Do you want to go?” Liam asked, speaking in a hushed tone as he turned me to face him.
“I don’t know if I should.”I shrugged, looking down to the floor.
“He’d like to see you.” Liam assured me, lifting my chin, “And I’ll come with you.”
“Thanks.” I smiled limply, standing up and pulling Liam up with me.

Colleen soon came running back in, panting and huffing. “The ambulance is outside.”

Liam and Mr Richard gently lifted up Harry’s lifeless body, supporting him into the ambulance that waited outside. Niall stood back, watching the whole thing. I was so disappointed in him; honestly thinking that he was better than this. Harry was taken into the ambulance and a very friendly nurse laid him back, hooking him up to a blood pressure machine. She was asking Liam and I countless questions. How hard Harry fell, how long ago it had happened even wondering what the last thing he ate was, so they could check his sugar levels. 

There was such a strong sterile smell coming from the ambulance. I could taste paracetamol in the air as I observed everything around me. I couldn’t look at Harry’s body any longer; his head kept bobbing up and down every time we went over a crack or bump in the road.

“When will he wake up?” I asked, looking at the nurse with plead in my eyes.
“He’s starting to come around slightly. He can hear, but can’t quite open his eyes.”
“But he’s alright. Nothing serious?”
“He should be fine.” The nurse smiled, turning back to Harry.

The rest of the journey was silent. I kept glancing at Liam who had his hands clasped together on his knees. I was shivering, still in my gym shorts and t-shirt. Although it wasn’t cold, the nerves were making my teeth shatter and hands shake, my stomach cramping. Before I knew it, a tear rolled down my cheek. One of the many disadvantages of being bipolar, you can’t control yourself. Like I always say. So here I was, crying possibly over the sight of a boy laying still and silent who I had only known for a week. Pathetic - yes I was.

“Why are you crying, babe?” Liam sighed, wiping the tear away from my cheek with his index finger.
“Don’t know, it just happened.” I mumbled, sniffing lightly.
“Too much for you to handle?”
“Little bit.” 

Harry was taken into the hospital on a stretcher. His eyes would flutter open every so often, then to close back again straight away. Wheeled into a room, Liam and I were forced to sit in the waiting room. The sterile smell was even stronger now, tingling my nostrils. Liam and I kept making small talk as I shook my legs up and down, keeping myself warm as we waited. We didn’t have to wait particularly long. 

Only twenty minutes or so into the waiting, Harry appeared out of know where. The blood was gone, his lip still swollen and a small bandage on the side of his head. He looked a bit shaken up, but walked up to us with a grin smeared across his face - extending his arm to wave at us. I felt so overwhelmed when I saw him.

“You’re alright!” I laughed, standing up awkwardly. 
“Bit dizzy, but not bad.” He smiled, looking towards Liam and giving him a friendly nod. 
“Where do we go now?” I asked.
“I was told to go straight home and the nurse said she got a call from Mr Richard. You guys can go back if you want, but it’s not necessary.”
“I don’t feel like going back.” I mumbled, clutching onto my abdomen. I felt so sick.
“Why don’t we get a Taxi home then? I’ve got some money.” Liam asked, pulling out his wallet.

We agreed to this idea and decided to get a taxi home. Liam and Harry were laughing and talking like nothing had just happened and I was starting to lighten up slightly, but I still wasn’t feeling on top. The Taxi pulled up outside Liam’s house first and he paid for his half of the journey, giving us another £10 to get home. Telling him I’d text him later, he smiled and left.

And then there were two.

The rest of the ride was awkwardly silent. I could occasionally feel Harry’s eyes burning into me, but I shook the feeling off. I decided to get out of the car at his stop too. Paying the Taxi driver, we both got out of the car and closed the door. Watching it drive away, I smiled at Harry and started walking the really short distance home.

“Don’t you want to come in for a little bit?” Harry asked, turning his key in the door.
“I should really get back..”
“Doesn’t your mum and dad work? You’ll be a loner.” He laughed, opening the door.

Giving in to his demands, I trailed behind him and walked into his house. It was nothing like I had expected his house to be like. Everything was cream and beige, leather and faux fur. The rooms looked clean and warm; very homely. Harry directed me in the way of his living room, telling me to take a seat and make my self comfortable until I had to go home.

“Want anything to drink? Eat?”
“No.” I mumbled, feeling awkward in the presence of his house. Although it was empty of people.

He came back through with a small bowl of crisps. I could smell the salt and vinegar mingling in the air. He sat beside me and lifted his legs up onto the couch, crossing them over and munching. I sat observing him, noticing how surreal everything was. He didn’t even look bothered by the fact Niall sent him to hospital. I started questioning if maybe he had memory loss and forgot it(?)

“How are you feeling?” I asked.
“Not too bad.” He shrugged, jamming another crisp into his mouth.
“Things gonna’ be tense between you and Niall now, huh?”
“He’s such a twat. I don’t even know why you’re friends with him.” Harry sighed, disarming the crisps from his grasp and sliding the bowl across the glass table in front of him.
“Neither do I sometimes. But he was just a little high-strung about the whole.. thing. He’ll cool off eventually.”

Harry nodded, then a smirk soon tugged at the corner of his rosy lips, I noticed the swelling had gone down slightly. His head shot straight to mine and his eyes grew bigger.

“You were worried about me, weren’t you?”
“Obviously! You numb nuts.” I laughed, rolling my eyes.
“Alright, but why?” He said in a confused tone.
“It was all really scary. I just wanted to know if you were going to be okay.” I mumbled, slightly embarrassed and intimidated.
“I heard you talking to Liam and the nurse about me. Asking if I was okay and all that.” He said softly with a coy smile.

Feeling even more embarrassed, I lowered my head, letting my over-grown bangs hide part of my face. “The nurse only told me you could hear after I said all that stuff.”
“But it’s adorable that you care.” He grinned, lifting his hand up to his hair and running his fingers through the smooth overlay of curls that overlapped at the front of his head.

Every small thing he did, anything he did that I found remotely cute, made my feelings for him grow. They started off small, but I could feel them growing and growing. This would either turn out good, or into a bloody fucking mess.

—

It eventually became time for me to leave, and things felt awkward again when I stood at his door to say goodbye. Walking out onto his door step, I turned around and gave him a simple smile. Opening his arms, I walked into his chest and wrapped my arms around his body. His curls were tickling my cheeks, causing a smile to appear on my face. 

“Thanks for being here.” He muffled into my hair.
“It’s fine.” I said softly, pulling away from the hug.

Walking a few steps backwards, I then turned around and made the five minute walk home. Somehow, I couldn’t help but replay the hug over and over in my head. It was nothing special, just a hug. It wasn’t even a particularly long hug - but it felt comforting and natural. I started to question myself deeply, pondering over if I should tell Harry if I’m Bipolar or not. I felt as if I could trust him, but then i remember that I hardly even know him at all. All the mistakes he had made already, all the fuss and mess. And what if I told him and he made some big deal out of it, Treating me differently? It just wouldn’t be the same.

But the other half of me knew that he would find out eventually. Somebody was bound to blab it, but I would much rather it came from me than somebody else. Maybe it just wasn’t his time to know yet? I then decided that I would wait a short while longer. 

Turning my key in the door, I walked into a slightly cold, but eerily empty house. Both my parents were working, so I had a few more hours to compose myself until they were home. Dumping my bags in the hallway, I slumped myself over the couch in the living room and picked up my phone from the table which I had forgotten to take to school with me. Noticing I had three text messages, I opened them up one at a time.

Niall; “so is he alrii? not that i care, jst makin sure i didn’t coz to much damge. xxxx”

Lucy; “How’s Harry?! Liam told me he’s fine, but just want to hear. You alright? xxxxxxxx”

Liam; “Did you get home alright? Call me later :) xxxxxxxx”

Texting Niall back first, I began to wonder if he utterly regretted what he had done. He tried to act as if he didn’t care, but the loving side of Niall was pouring through that text.

To Niall; “Yeah, he’s fine. Bit dizzy, but good. Think about what you’re doing next time.. xxx”

To Lucy; “He is fine, just a tad dizzy. I’m good too, thanks. What about you? xxxxxxxx”

To Liam; “Yeah, just popped into Harry’s for a while but I’m home now. Away in the bath, call you after though? xxxxxxxx”

Abandoning my phone on the table, I stood up from the couch and took a big stretch, pulling at the hem of my gym shorts as they dug into me. Jogging upstairs and into the bathroom, I pulled a soft, cotton towel out of the cupboard and began to run the bath. Waiting a while for the hot water to function, I placed the plug in and browsed my way through the many baths soaps we had to chose from. Picking a pinkish coloured one, obviously, I poured as much in until I was fully satisfied and screwed the lid back on top. 

I sat on the toilet seat, watching the bubbles create in the bottom of the steaming bath. The room became very condensed, but I liked it that way. It was like one giant steam room. Turning off the hot tap when it was full enough, I turned the cold tap on and began to undress, throwing my gym clothes in the washing basket and dipping my toes in the bath water. Turning off the cold tap, I gently stepped into the bath and sunk straight in; ready to relax. 

My mind was buzzing with everything that had happened in the past week. All of the drama seemed exciting to me, but I knew it was nothing to be happy about. Harry had caused an awful lot of trouble, but was he worth it? Everyone else seemed to think so, since they forgave him, all except for Niall. Who could blame him though? Harry did a heartless thing and caused Niall’s relationship with Jessica to end. 

Shaking these thoughts off my head, I picked up the shampoo and began to lather it through my hair, doing the same with the conditioner after washing it out. Deciding I had been in the bath long enough, I stepped out onto the bath mat on the floor and picked up the towel, wrapping it around my body as I pulled the plug in the bath. Making the hasty walk to my room, I closed the door and began to dig out some comfortable clothes. Seeing as i hadn’t planned on going out later tonight, it being Tuesday and all, I grabbed a pair of grey joggers and an old t-shirt. Pulling on some clean underwear and putting my clothes on. 

Noticing nobody had came yet, I walked back to the living room and slumped back on the couch again, switching the TV on. It was only four o’clock, but I had spent a lot more time in the bath than I had planned. I began to wonder if I should call Liam now or not. We never usually talked on the phone, just texts and in school.

Picking up my phone, I noticed I had another two texts. One from Niall, one from Liam.

Niall; “i knew wat i was doin, he dserved it xxxxx”

Liam; “S’alright, why were you at Harry’s? call me whenever you’re ready! xxxxxxxxx”

Ignoring Niall’s immaturity, I pressed “call” on Liam’s name and pressed the phone to my ear, listening as the ringing noise droned into my ear. I didn’t have to wait long, as soon I heard Liam’s deep, husky voice on the other line.

“Hello?”
“Hey, It’s me.” I smiled into the phone.
“Hey, Rachael. Just making sure you’re home alright.” He said in a happy, relaxed tone.
“Why does everyone always need to check up on me?” I laughed.
“Because, you’re mischievous. Who knows what shit you’re getting into.” He laughed a long with me.
“Alright, alright. But yeah, Harry invited me into his and then I came back here.”
“Cool..” He mumbled, “What did yous’e get up to?”
“We were just talking, was all. He’s doing a lot better.”
“That’s good to hear.” Liam said in a monotone voice, “So he’s coming in tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I think so. We’ll need to hold Niall back before they both start off at each other again.”

I heard Liam laugh faintly on the other side of the phone, such a cute little laugh. I smiled to myself, pressing the phone closer to my ear. I missed when we were like this, before everything changed.

“Fine, we’ll keep them on a tight chain so they don’t kill one another.”
“Deal.” I smiled.
“Right, I’ll let you get going. See you at school tomorrow, alright?”
“Alright, text you later or something.”
“Sure, sure. See you later, babe.” He said before hanging up the phone.

I must admit, I didn’t like whenever someone called me “babe”, but when it came from Liam, it felt good. You could say I still had feelings for Liam, that’s because I do. But it was time for things to change. I was going to behave myself and not let my whole “disorder” get in the way of my love life.

Whether that love be old or new, I was ready for change. I knew exactly what I wanted..

—

That night, I hadn’t managed to get any sleep. At all. Something was restraining me from closing my eyes and drifting off into a peaceful trance. This made waking up on the Wednesday morning almost impossible. I felt like shit and looked like shit too. Groaning, I flung my legs over the side of my bed and picked up my phone from the windowsill, texting Hayley to tell her not to bother coming up for me this morning. There was no way I’d be coming in.

Sliding my phone under my pillow, I ruffled my fingers through my hair and scuffed my feet along the carpet, out of my room and downstairs to my Mother who was drinking a cup of tea in the kitchen. She looked at me and smiled, placing her cup down on the table.

“Mum. I’m sick.” I said in my croaky morning voice.
“Why? What’s wrong with you?” She asked in a confused tone.
“I got no sleep. My head’s aching.” 
“You can stay off today then, we’ll see how you feel tomorrow.” She nodded, taking another sip from her tea. “So why didn’t you get any sleep?”
“I don’t know. Just wasn’t tired.” I shrugged, turning my back and walking back up stairs.

Moping my way back up to my room, I timidly sat on the edge of my bed and reached under my pillow for my phone, opening a new text from Hayley.

Hayley; “I wasn’t coming up for you today anyway, Harry text me and said he was coming up for you instead. Do you want me to text him and ask him to not bother? xxxx”

To Hayley; “He’s not, is he?! Fuck. If you could text him and tell him not to bother pleaseee. xxxx” 

I began to worry just in case Harry would get Hayley’s text too late and just show up at my house anyway. And I was right. Five minutes later, there was a knock on my door. Running downstairs to stop my Mum from answering it, I pushed her back into the kitchen and slowly opened the door, my eyes very reluctant to looking at bright light.

“What?” I groaned, rubbing my eyes.
“You not ready yet? Lazy arse.” He laughed.
“Shh!” I hushed him, stepping outside and closing the door behind me, folding my arms. “I’m not coming in today.”
“Oh.” Harry mumbled, “And why is that?”
“I feel fucking shit.” I laughed, quieting my words down as I cursed just in case my mum heard me.
“You look like shit, too.” Harry nodded, smirking underneath this smug look.
“Thanks.” I groaned, pushing him with one arm before quickly tucking it back under my armpits to keep warm.
“I was kidding, you look lovely and.. natural.” He pondered, smiling.
“Right. Bye!” I grinned sarcastically, hopping inside.
“Ouch. Compliment rejection? Harsh.” He pouted, stepping forward slightly.

I began to feel a bit intimidated by Harry, stepping closer as I hid behind the front door, hiding from my “natural look.” He didn’t look bothered by it, he kept a small, innocent smile on his face. Not looking phased at all.

“You’ll be late.” I indicated, shrugging as I closed the door a little bit more.
“I don’t mind.”
“Just go to school.” I groaned, closing the door.

I felt guilty after closing the door in his face, especially after he gave me such a lovely comment. But that’s what I do. Just another one of my moods. Placing a hand on my hip and using the other hand to wipe the non-existent sweat off my head, I walked through to the kitchen to see my Mum looking very smug and discreet. One of the many annoying sides to my mother.

“What?!” I snapped, throwing my hands into the air.
“He likes you Rachel.” She smirked, sipping her tea.
“Thanks for your input. I’ll ask for it when I care. Goodnight.” I spat, running back up to my room.
“Good morning!” She shouted after me.

I was acting like such a bitch, but at that moment, I couldn’t see it in me at all. Everyone around me was wrong and I was right. Yes, Harry liked me, Harry liked everyone; we were all friends. If Harry liked anyone, he liked Jessica. Hence the whole kissing her thing. He wouldn’t have kissed her and caused a huge uproar if he didn’t like her, in my opinion. Climbing back into my bed, forgetting all about the fact I was rude to Harry, I pulled the covers over my head and fell into a deep sleep.

——

“You’re always in such a mood! Here I am, pouring my heart out but you never listen. You’re too caught up in yourself!”
“Always in such a mood? Harry, you’re so fucking clueless. Don’t make assumptions, you don’t even know half the story!”
“Because you won’t tell me the story! You don’t tell me anything. I’m willing to listen to you, something that no one else will, but you reject me all the time. How do you think that makes me feel, Rachel?!”
“How do you think I feel everyday? I feel so much everyday, it’s unreal! But I can’t just go round telling you half my life story. Give me some space!”
“Space? You want space? Fine. I’m done trying with you.”

——

Opening my eyes wide, I lay staring at my roof for god-knows how long. My heart was beating faster than usual, sweat emanating from my hairline. Taking deep breaths, I clutched onto the bed sheet, feeling the coolness of the duvet through my fingers.

That wasn’t a dream, But it wasn’t a nightmare. It was almost like a glimpse into the future - which is what scared me. My head knew this could happen, but my heart felt like I wouldn’t let it happen. Thinking about all of this made me laugh to myself. I sounded so cliché and stupid. What was I even thinking? I did have to open up to Harry, I was certain of that now. But he’d only know as much as everyone else knows. He’s not getting treated any differently. He’s just a boy.. 

Regaining my breath, I picked up my phone to check the time. 

“12:38.” 

I had slept for a long time. My parents were at work, and I had the house to myself. I also noticed I had a message.

Harry - “I get it, you’re a little grumpy in the mornings. I’ll check up on you later though, alright? Don’t reject me this time. Just trying to be kind ;) .xxxx”

The guilt washed over my body again. How was he able to cope with me being such a cow, and then be able to just brush it off like that? It was like he already knew about my condition. Either that, or he was just the sweetest guy ever. But there’s always a catch to such a lovely boy. Something was not 100% right about Harry, or was I just over analyzing things? Why did I even care about him so much to think that I was over analyzing things? I sounded like such a creeper.

To Harry - “Sorry about that. It was uncalled for. What time is “later” exactly? I could be dead by then.. l: xxx”

Laughing at my sarcastic text, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and read all of my old messages. I had messages from as late as four months ago. The very first one in my inbox was from Liam. 

Liam - “Hello gorgeous! What time do you want me to come around tonight? I’ll keep you company.. ;) xxxxxxxxx”

Smiling, I was able to remind myself that these were the moments when Liam and I used to go out. But we were over now. He were over for a good reason. He didn’t want a girlfriend who couldn’t control themselves, so maybe it was best that we just stayed good friends. Skipping a whole load of texts, I stopped on another random one.

Zayn - “I dnt know if i shud ask her out, she wld say no? xxxxx”

This was back when Zayn was cautious about asking Lucy out. Typical sensitive Zayn. He was lovely. Very insecure about himself, which none of us really understood. He could have any girl in the school, if he wanted, but he wasn’t a player. He never had been. 

Niall - “Hello babeeeeeeeeeee. Wnt to meet up wii jess nd me l8r? Shud be fun :D xxxxxxxxx”

Then I was reminded about how close Niall and I used to be. He had been really distant with me lately and, to be quite honest, I missed him. A lot. He was my best friend, aside from all of the girls ovcourse. I missed his charm, his laugh, his smile. I missed him. But Harry had somehow changed our relationship. I wanted to stay friends with Harry and Niall. I wasn’t going to let some new boy come and change things with my friends and I. This was going to be a new part of the whole “I know exactly what I want” situation, even though I didn’t know what I wanted.

Part of me wanted Niall back as my best friend. Another part of me wanted to be closer with Harry. In what way? I had no clue. Another part of me wanted to have my moments with Liam again, but be nothing more than what we are now. I wanted to be closer with all of my friends. I was going to be fully in control of myself. If I wanted this, I could do it. It’s up to me to make my life choices and if I wanted something to be done, I better get a head start on things. Right?

Taking a deep breath, I pressed some buttons carefully and clearly on my phone.

To Niall - “I really miss you. Come and see me soon, leprechaun? :) xxxxxxx”

To Liam - “Call me soon? Need a nice little chit-chat!! xxxxx”

To Harry - “Want to come around after school? Got a few things I need to tell you.. xxxx”

—

I knew it was probably best to get changed for Harry coming over. I didn’t want him to see me in my pajamas, no make-up and with bed head - again - Attractive? I think not.

Deciding on a pair of grey skinny jeans, a baggy black and white striped t-shirt and a black pair of ballet-type shoes; I tied my hair up into a messy blonde ponytail and applied as little make up as possible. Concealer, mascara and lip gloss. I wasn’t just putting in all this effort for Harry. I had my mind set on going to visit Niall after I had told Harry that I was bipolar. I kept telling myself that Harry wouldn’t take if any differently from anyone else, and I hoped that he would live up to my expectations.

The TV wasn’t on. I was home alone and all I could hear was the faint ticking of the wall clock as I sat anxiously in my living room waiting for Harry to arrive - phone clutched in my hands.

He had replied to my text earlier, saying that he’d pop to his house after school and get changed out of his school uniform, grab a bite to eat and be at my house around 4:30. 

Pressing any random key on my phone to make the screen active, I read the time. “4:32.” 
I kept checking.
And checking.
Why was I so anxious? Because I was about to tell a boy who I hardly knew half of my life story. I felt like I could trust him, although nobody else could. I would either be making a fatal mistake, or a good choice.

Looking out of the living room window from my seating position, I saw a curly-haired boy walking down the pathway to my door, looking frustrated with the wind. Hearing a knock on the door, I quickly ran to the window and saw him adjust his wind-swept hair. Shaking his head around before ruffling his curls around and parting his hand through the section at the front. Laughing to myself, I slipped my phone into my pocket and walked to the front door, opening it quickly. 

“It’s cold, let me in!” He pleaded, hopping on the spot.
“Is it possible to be cold in late September?” I questioned him, stalling time.
“Can you not feel the cold breeze?!” He protested, tucking his hands neatly under his armpits for warmth.
“Come on in.” I laughed, rolling my eyes.

Stepping to the side, I let him in and slowly closed the door behind him, Taking in a silent deep breath as I went over the speech I had ‘prepared’ in my head. Exhaling, I turned and saw him standing in the middle of my hallway, looking a little bit lost and flustered - the little space between his eyebrows creased, his expression looking very confused as his bottom lip popped out, almost a pout.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing!” He laughed, his facial expression returning to normal. “It’s just really quiet.” He whispered.
“Just go sit down, Harry.” I said, a muffled laugh hiding in my tone of voice as I walked ahead of him into the living room.
“Where’s your parents?” He asked, taking a comfortable looking seat on the couch that faced opposite the window.”
“Work, as always.” I sighed. “Drink?”
“Yeah, I’ll have whatever.” He smiled, pulling out his phone and typing away.

Opening the fridge door, I pulled out a bottle of “Sprite” and poured it evenly into two clear glasses. Peering at Harry through the kitchen door, his phone was placed on his lap and he was looking at me with a smile on his face, making my cheeks flush as I began to feel really embarrassed. Shaking it off, I put the bottle of juice back in the fridge and walked out with the two glasses, handing one to Harry and sitting on the spare seat beside him.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I brought the glass of icy cold liquid to my lips, taking a long drink. It almost felt as if it was burning my throat. Opening my eyes, I looked at Harry as he took the first few sips. I watched as he tilted his head back, his Adam’s-apple maneuvering in a gulping motion. Quickly snapping my vision away from him, I leaned forward and set my glass down on the table. 

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Harry asked, breaking the silence.

Taking a deep breath, I slid my tongue to the side of my mouth, keeping it as straight as a dagger, feeling as it would almost burst through my mouth with the amount of pressure. Harry kept his eyes locked on mine, his expression staying the same. A gentle expression. An eager expression, all morphed into one.

“Harry.” I mumbled, tearing my vision away from his.
“Rachel..” He laughed sarcastically, shifting in his seat.
“I’m going to be honest with you. And you need to promise you wont tell anyone. ‘Cause only our group of friends know. And my parents. And some teachers. And obviously the doctors and—”
“Doctors? Why, what do they know?” 

Looking back at him, I noticed he had that crease in his brow again, his eyes focused on mine with such intensity. Blinking rapidly and running my tongue across my lips, I took another deep breath and shot the words straight out.

“I’m bipolar.”

The tension in his face suddenly eased - turning more into a confused look.

“Bipolar..” He mumbled to himself, looking away from me. “You’re bipolar?” He asked, sounding very bewildered.
“No. I lied because I thought it would be funny.” I moaned sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
“I would never had guessed.”
“Seriously?” I almost spat, “My mood swings. The way I’m happy and then suddenly a right cow to you?”
“I just thought you were in your period or some shit.” He laughed, resting his head on his hand.
“Typical.” I laughed, feeling a sudden lift of pleasure run through me.

The room suddenly fell silent and I began to feel aware to the fact that Harry might treat me differently now. Different as in; he might treat me like I’ve got terminal cancer, or a brain tumor, or if I’m mentally disabled.

“You’re still a bitch.” Harry winked to me.

I guess he wouldn’t be treating me differently then. Just the way I wanted everything to be.

“Prick.” I said smugly, standing up from my position. “C’mon you, out.” I said, shooing him.
“Why are you in such a rush to get rid of me?” He pouted, standing up so he was towering over me.
“I’m going to Niall’s.” I grinned, walking towards the front door.
“I’m not going to be all protective and ask why. I understand how close you two are.” He smiled.
“How close we were.” I sighed. “That’s why I’m going over to his - to sort things out.”
“Hope things work out then.” He beamed, opening the front door for me.

Grabbing my house keys off the table at the side of the door, I stepped out and felt the wind roll along my bare arms as my T-shirt fluttered around. Harry closed the door behind me and I turned to face him, smiling.

Placing my arms around his neck, I whispered into his ear, “Thanks.”
“Thanks for trusting me.” He whispered back, resting his arms on my waist and planting a soft kiss on my cheek. Feeling his lips on my bare skin felt nice. Warm. Real.

I couldn’t help but smile into his chest before breaking our grasp. Biting down on my bottom lip, I walked down the pathway with Harry before we both split and went out separate ways, promising him I’d text him to explain how everything went down with Niall.

Eventually reaching Niall’s house ten minutes later, I chapped particularly loud on the door, waiting anxiously for him to open up. I could hear voices emanating from the other side of the door, laughing and getting louder.

“Text me later, alright?” A voice said as the door opened.
“I will.” A familiar girl smiled, before leaning in to kiss Niall, their lips touching for a moment before she walked out onto the door step where I was waiting.
“Hello, Colleen.” I said, trying my best not to sound confused.
“Got to go! Bye Rachel.” She grinned, hopping down the path.

Looking around awkwardly, I stepped into Niall’s doorway where he was standing, his cheeks looking a little flustered and peachy.

“Niall? What are you playing at?!” I gasped, in true shock.
“What?” He mumbled, pulling me inside and closing the door.
“Did you just kiss Colleen?!”
“Yeah, so?”
“What about Jessica?” I shouted in protest.
“Exactly. What about Jessica? We’re done.”
“You moved on pretty fast.” I said, hurt echoing through my voice. I felt somewhat disappointed in him.
“Jessica’s been forgiven, and forgotten.”
“What about Harry?”
“He’ll get his time.” Niall shrugged. 

I shouldn’t have felt hurt, but I was. Not because he hadn’t forgiven Harry, but because he had found someone new. None of our “group” were that close to Colleen, so I could feel that Niall would get taken away from us and more involved in her life. I was here to get my best friend back, but it seemed that everything would be the total opposite. 

—

I didn’t stay for long at Niall’s house. I simply wasn’t up to it after what I saw. I knew I shouldn’t have been as worked up as I was, but deep down, I knew the reason why. I had always liked Niall, ever since I first saw those bright blue eyes and that cheeky Irish accent. But we became friends. I wouldn’t want to have it any other way than that, but you can’t help how you feel for someone? It’s just natural. 

I couldn’t face the fact that Colleen would take him away from us, and I didn’t want to think about it. But the whole twenty minutes I was at his house, it was all I could think about it. I never talked to Niall about my feelings; he just wouldn’t understand. Niall is more of a talker than a listener, you see? So it was really difficult to share things with him. Like when I broke the news that I was Bipolar to him. He just didn’t understand.

Leaving his house with a heavy heart, I walked home and noticed that my parents were now back from work. Seeing as I shared everything with my mum, I decided to tell her my “dilemma.” She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, however. So I went to bed that night on an empty stomach, feeling hurt and confused on top of all my other emotions. I did get a text from Harry that cheered me up, to some extend. 

Harry - “How did things go with Niall? Hope you both sorted things out. Hope you’re alright, too. Thanks for being able to trust me. Really means alot after everything :/ Have a good sleep smelly, and i’ll maybe pop in on you in the morning :D?? .xxxxxx”

——-

“Rachel..” A familiar voice whispered, calling out to me.

Shooting my eyes open, I jerked my head back at the sight of a fresh faced curly-haired boy tilting his head in front of me. Not that the way he looked frightened me; I just didn’t appreciate it first thing in the morning. 

That’s a lie. I did appreciate it.

“What.” I groaned, throwing the covers over my head.
“Get up!” He protested, sitting on the edge of my bed, bouncing up and down.
“I’m tired.” I moaned.
“I’ll pour water on you.”
“You wouldn’t dare.” 

I knew he was bluffing. He wouldn’t do that, would he? 

“The bathroom’s just on the left, right?” He asked, the springs on the bed releasing as he stood up.
“I’m awake!” I sighed, throwing the covers back and sitting up, blood quickly rushing through my body - making me dizzy.

Harry leaned against the wall, resting his foot and back upon it as I looked around aimlessly for my school uniform. Spotting it, I folded it over my arm and turned to Harry, blinking bewilderedly at him, indicating for him to leave.

“Oh, you want to get changed? Right.” He chuckled, shuffling out and closing the door behind him.

Undressing, I slid on some new underwear and spritzed myself with some deodorant. Pulling my tights and high-waisted skirt on, I buttoned up my shirt and tucked it into my skirt, throwing my cardigan over my shoulders and slipping into some shoes. Taking my school tie off of the bed post, I folded it around my neck multiple times and rested it on my chest, walking over to my desk to grab a pocket-sized mirror and apply the usual makeup. I finished off by gliding some nude lip-gloss along my lips, smacking them together as I picked up the hairbrush. Tugging it through my hair, I used my hand to add some volume and hair sprayed it into place. 

“How long do you take?” Harry groaned, kicking the door lightly with his foot.
“Be patient!” I snapped, Placing the brush down on the desk and throwing my schoolbag over my shoulder.

Walking over to the door, I pulled the handle back and laughed as Harry fell onto me. He had been leaning on the door and didn’t expect me to open it that quickly. Pitying, I brushed past him and hopped downstairs, walking into the kitchen where my Dad was sitting at the breakfast bar for a change.

“Where’s mum?” I asked nonchalantly.
“Work, love.” He replied, peering at a very awkward looking Harry from over his coffee mug.

Laughing at Harry’s awkwardness, I grabbed an apple from the crisper and quickly ran some cold water over it, shaking the droplets off. Taking a bite, I waved to my Dad and turned Harry around by the shoulder, so he was facing the door and gave him a quick prod in the back with my finger.

“Rachel, have you taken your medication?”
“Oh.” I blurted out, leaving Harry and placing my apple on the bunker.

Popping the tablets out of their foil plastic holder, I placed them into my hands and quickly threw them into my mouth, grabbing a glass of water to wash the dry, white pills down. I felt uncomfortable taking them in front of Harry. I could feel his bright green orbs burning into me as the white spheres slid down my throat, along with a wash of water.

“Let’s go.” I mumbled, grabbing my apple and smiling at my Dad as if nothing had happened.

Harry didn’t say anything until we were fully outside.

“So, how often to you take them?”
“What, the pills? Once a day. Every day.” I shrugged, munching my apple.
“Must be a pain?” He asked, turning his head towards me in interest.
“It is.” I nodded, “But if it’s going to help me..”

The rest of the walk consisted of casual conversation. For once, there was no awkward silences and everything felt natural and comfortable. We were joking, laughing and having a rather good chat.

“Are you coming to Liam’s party on Saturday? It’s his birthday on Sunday, but he’s having the party on Saturday.”
“Will he want me there?” Harry mumbled.
“What? Ovcourse he will!” I laughed, pondering why Harry would ask such a stupid question.
“Will Niall be there?” He asked, hushing his tone.
“Well, yeah. I suspect so. But it’ll be fine, we’ll just keep you two occupied!”
“Fine.” Harry smiled.

Glancing over to him, I took note of his dimple. He only had one, placed upon his left cheek. I felt silly for knowing this such detail, but I found it really cute that he had a dimple. Dimples are cute, end of story. Laughing at myself, I shook my head and looked straight ahead, walking into school with Harry by my side.

I thought over how good this weekend would be, but remembered how good I thought the last one would be. And I knew that turned out nothing like any of us had imagined. Telling myself that the two days until Saturday would go quickly and this weekend would be better, I began to believe it.

We would all get along and forget about the silly little mishap what had occurred. Niall would see Jessica and his feelings would grow on her again, and they would get back together and he wouldn’t slip away from us, and we’d end up being best friends again. Harry and Niall would repair their difficulties with each other and be closer than ever. But best of all, we’d be able to celebrate Liam’s birthday in peace.

Ovcourse, this was all in my head. A lot went on in my head. I thought I had this all planned out, but I didn’t. I couldn’t predict the future, I could only predict what I wanted to happened.

Reality and imagination are two very different things.

—

Surprisingly, Saturday came a lot sooner than I had expected. I had a lot planned for myself today. I had to get up early, shower and then quickly head into town and buy Liam and birthday present. Then, I’d come home and change into a plausible outfit for the party and then leave for Liam’s house.

Nobody had arranged to come over to my house before we all headed off to Liam’s, so I had a little bit extra time to look for a gift.

Pulling myself out of bed at sometime around ten, I grabbed a soft cotton towel and lay it on the ground as I stepped into the shower. Letting the hot water soak through my hair, I used some hydrating shampoo and lathered it through my dry strands. I had very dry hair, mostly because I straightened it all too often; but recently I had calmed down a bit after the thought of my hair falling out. Running conditioner from root to tip, I decided to quickly shave my legs whilst waiting for my hair to actually condition. Running the sharp blade along my bare skin, I felt the beads of water slide downwards.

Finishing off, I washed the conditioner out thoroughly and stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel that lay on the floor around me. Walking into my room, I began looking around for some clothes that were decent to go around shopping in. Pulling on my underwear, a pair of grey skinny jeans, white vest top and my beige knit cardigan, I quickly ran the brush through my damp hair and split it into two equal sections to be placed into bunches - as it was easier to dry that way.

Slipping on some white pumps, I grabbed my purse and my phone and ran downstairs to see my parents watching television in the living room. 

“I’m away out.” I smiled, my voice sounding quite tired.
“Where are you off to, love?” My dad asked, looking over his shoulder to where I was standing in the doorway. 
“Present shopping, for Liam. It’s his birthday tonight and I need to bring something to the party.”
“Ah.” He nodded, a smug look spreading across his face.

Rolling my eyes, I dragged my feet a long the hallway carpet and out the front door. I felt a slight cold breeze roll swiftly through my knit-cardigan. Pushing my phone and purse into the tight pockets of my jeans, I folded my arms across my chest and began to walk the short distance to the bus stop. I didn’t have to wait long before the bus came and I paid the nice man ninety pence for him to take me into town.

I could hear boys annoyingly sniggering from a few seats behind me, for reasons I didn’t know. Typical boys being typical boys, I suppose? As I reached my stop, I couldn’t have gotten off the bus any faster - not making eye contact with anyone as I got off. 

Standing in the middle of a crowded street was heaven to me. Everyone was too busy to be concentrated on what I was doing, or what I was here for; which I loved. Alot. Rushing into the shopping center, I began to scurry in and out of thoughts with no clue on what to buy Liam. Was there anything in particular you’re supposed to get your sweet and sensitive ex-boyfriend? If there was, I was very oblivious to it. I didn’t want to be cliché and go with the whole ‘Lynx’ and a card deal. I wanted this to be special; So he could see that I’ve grown up since we were last “together.”

I had quite a lot of money with me, so I decided to treat Liam well by waltzing into ‘Topman’ to buy him an item of clothing. I knew Liam’s style, so I had a pretty good idea of what I was looking for. Although I was trying to show him how mature I was, I couldn’t resist buying a humorous T-shirt. It was plain white, with a light-switch placed in the middle, with the print “Please — turn me on” placed around it. It was perfect for Liam. Simple, but funny at the same time.

Feeling proud as the bag with the content inside was handed to me, I walked out of ‘Topman’ feeling proud of myself. My next stop was ‘Thorntons’ as Liam loved his chocolate. I was surprised I had managed to remember all these little details about him. Entering the small shop smelling the sweet and bitter smell of chocolate, I looked around for something that would please him. I soon decided on a fairly big box of mint selections. I’m sure I would be aloud to sneak a few from Liam sometime.

Taking the bag from the woman at the counter, I left the store and looked at the time on my phone. It was already one o’clock, but I still had plenty of time before the party. All I had to do now was fill out Liam’s birthday card, but I had already bought one the day before with a funny slogan inside. I was all about the humor. 

Walking around town with my bags clutched in hand, I took a stop on one empty bench. I wanted to rest and take in my surroundings before leaving - something I always did when I came here. Only a few seconds into my observation, I saw a short blonde haired boy bouncing along the path ahead of me. I felt urged to call him over, but I had no intention of doing it. He had already spotted me before I got the chance. Digging front teeth into the soft skin of my bottom lip as he walked over, I cleared the bags from the space beside me so he could take a seat. He gave me that awkward little smile he always does, and planted himself down, our shoulders touching. 

“Alri’?” He asked, turning his head to face me.
“Hmm.” I smiled, looking anywhere but him.
“Why you on your tod, then?”
“I could ask the same to you.”

He laughed to himself, hanging his head whilst he smiled.

“That wasn’t a rhetorical question, Niall.”
“Snappy. Nah, I’m just here to get Bieber something.”
“You mean Liam?” I laughed, my mood lightening.
“Same person, am I right?”
“Hmm, right.” I replied, slyly. 
“You’re doing the same thing?” He questioned.
“Yeah.”
“Should’ve gone down together then. But I’m just away to leave.” He tutted, shaking his head.
“Yeah, same. Just get the bus with me? Goes in the direction of your house.” 

Standing up, oblivious to Niall’s response, I picked up my two bags and turned to face him. As he stood up, I noticed that he wasn’t actually that short anymore. He was towering over me more and more each day. His highlighted blonde hair being pushed by the brown at the roots. His cheeks were flushed rosy-red, as always. And even his eyes looked brighter; more radiant. Sis fashion sense had also changed. Normally he would walk around in his football kit, all the time. But now? White printed shirts, knitted-cardigans and chinos. It felt strange that I had all-of-a-sudden just noticed these subtle changes. “My little Niall” was growing up in front of me, and I hated it. Every little aspect of it. I could tell that the look of total disgust was plastered all over my face, and even Niall could tell.

“Rach? You alri’?”
“Fine.” I said softly, barley even a whisper. My face ridden with shock as I shook my head.
“You look as if you’ve seen a ghost!” He laughed, pushing his hands into his navy blue pockets.
“Or a stranger.” I mumbled, telling myself that he hadn’t just heard me.
“Are you implying something?”
“You’re changing, Niall.” I sighed, looking straight into his ocean-blue orbs that had changed to a confused expression.
“Or maybe I’m just growing up?”
“But as quick as this? Where had the old Niall gone?”
“He’s here. I’m still the same person, if I’ve only changed on the outside.
“I wish it was only on the outside, Niall. Can’t you see it? Your attitude. Your style. Your humor. Three weeks ago, you wouldn’t have hurt a fucking fly. But there you go punching fuck out of Harry?”

Niall’s eyes turned into concerned slits, cocking his head to the side as he ran his tongue across his lips. Releasing a hand from his pocket to ruffle it through his blonde mass of hair.

“You’re acting as if what that twit done was my fault? I thought it was over, can we forget about that incident now?” He blurted out.
“I shouldn’t have said anything.” I mumbled, beginning to walk away from him.

I wasn’t in the mood for an argument, and to be honest, I don’t know why I even brought any of this up. I was always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

“Don’t just walk away, Rach!” He groaned, running after me.
“Look, I’ve got to go. See you tonight, yeah?” I said, wanting to leave this scene immediately.
“I thought we were getting the bus together?” He said, sympathy oozing from his Irish twang.
“Go get the bus with Colleen or something. You seem to be spending most of your time with her, anyway.”

I knew at this point I shouldn’t have bothered to say anything at all. Especially not that. Clenching my eyes tightly together, I suddenly regretted even egging Niall to come an sit next to me. I was in deep shit.

“Is that what this is all about?” He asked, cornering my into the bus stop.

I had a choice to make. Either I confess the feelings I had for him deep, deep down; or I keep things as strong as they already were between us, but have things fade away with due time. I felt pressured into confessing to him, but I knew I didn’t feel much in the “more than friends” category for Niall. But I did feel something. 

Lost. Confused. I was in a lose/lose situation.

—

Niall’s eyebrows were furrowed closely together, his blue orbs staring straight into my skin. I didn’t have an answer for him. No words could escape from my mouth. Looking at Niall, I saw his chest growing and shrinking as I backed into the bus-stop, afraid he was going to pounce on me. His eyes were darting to and from each of my eyes with such intensity.

“Please, Niall.” I croaked.
“Rach, If there’s something you’re not telling me, I..”
“No, forget about it. It’s nothing, really.” These words were playing from my mouth, but voices in my head were saying different.

Bowing his head, he shuffled his feet against the harsh concrete. Looking back up, his eyes were gleaming as he ran his tongue across his tightly pursed lips before turning slowly to walk away.

Waiting until he was far enough away, I let the air I was holding in escape from my lungs. My heart was pummeling against my chest with force, soon coming back down to its “normal” speed. Picking up my bags with jittery hands, I turned to face the road and wait for my bus to come and take me home.

——-

Having packed Liam’s gift, I cello-taped the card to the wrapping paper and left it on my bed. Dragging my feat over to the wardrobe, I pulled back the doors and stared inside at the content.

After a short while of searching, I had managed to come across something I quite liked. It really suited the shape of my body and was lovely and Summery, even though it was now turning into autumn. 

http://s1231.photobucket.com/albums/ee516/HarrysSupras/?action=view¤t=rachel.png {outfit}

Pulling the bangles onto my wrist, I walked in front of my mirror and ruffled my hair around. The natural-looking highlights looked a lot brighter due to the sun. Running my fingers up the sides of my head, I pushed my hair into a high, messy pony tail. Securing it with a bobble, I turned on my curlers that were laying on the desk and waited for them to heat up. When the red light began flashing, I started to curl the tips of my pony tail at the back, soon switching to the straighteners and tidying up my side fringe as it lay over my forehead. 

“Love, what time are you leaving?” My mum shouted up the stairs at me.
“Eight. What time is it now?”
“Ten to eight.”
“Fuck.” I mumbled to myself.

Sitting down at my desk, I pulled open my makeup bag and did my usual, but adding slightly more eyeshadow. Pulling the gold shimmer across my eye, I quickly underlined my eyes with a soft black eye pencil and fluffed the blusher brush across my foundation-covered cheeks. Adding a nude lipstick, I ran some clear-gloss over my lips and quickly spritzed myself with perfume and deodorant. Pulling the clip on my shoes, I slipped my feet into them and quickly ran over to my bed, picking up my phone and Liam’s gift. Placing my phone into one of my front pockets, I hobbled downstairs - carefully so I didn’t fall - and said my fairwell’s to my parents.

——-
Déjà vu washed over me as I stood on the path outside Liam’s house. I could hear the music pounding from the inside and it all reminded me too much of the weekend before, when everything went wrong. Reassuring myself everything would be fine, I knocked loudly on Liam’s door, just in case nobody would hear me, and waited for a reply.

After waiting a short while, A very pleased Liam opened the door; greeting my with smiles and open arms.

“Rachel!” He beamed, pulling my into a hug.
“Alright, birthday boy?” I laughed into the crook of his neck, placing my arms around him with the gift still in one hand.
“You look lovely.” He murmured, “and smell lovely, too!”
“Thanks?” I laughed, pulling back and pushing the gift into his chest. “You’ll like that.” I grinned, patting his chest as he grasped onto the paper.

Walking inside, I turned to face Liam as he closed the door. His house hadn’t changed since I was last here, which made me smile a little.

“So, who’s here?” I shouted over the music.
“Hayley, Lucy, Jess, Sarah, Louis, Niall, Harry, Zayn and a bunch of other people.” He smiled, stepping closer to me.
“Is Colleen here?”
“Mhm, why?”
“Just curious.” I mumbled, looking around. “So, where are they all?”
“Kitchen, living room, bathroom..”
“Bathroom?!” 
“It’s my party - no rules.” He winked before heading into the kitchen.

Walking along side Liam, I could smell the alcohol emanating from the kitchen already. The party had only just started, yet so many people were here and more people were coming. Tonight, I wanted to let loose and have fun. I was always so tense, I needed a break. I could see Harry sitting up on Liam’s worktop, beer in hand, observing me as I walked in. 

“Hello gorgeous!” He shouted, trying to speak over the music.
“Alright?” I laughed, picking up one of the many bottles of “WKD” that were beside him.
“You look nice.” He smiled, his tone going down as I neared, no need for a raise in his voice anymore.
“You look good, too.” I smiled, admiring his fashion choice. 

http://s1231.photobucket.com/albums/ee516/HarrysSupras/?action=view¤t=tumblr_li6g2yDsu31qhuf2po1_500.jpg {Harry’s outfit}

Whatever he wore looked so.. effortless, but always so precise and up-to-date. From what I could see, he had good taste in fashion. He didn’t take himself too seriously and wore what he felt comfortable in, and what he was comfortable in didn’t look half bad.

“Niall was asking for you.” Harry said, raising his eyebrows at me as he brought the can to his lips.
“Why? What did he say..?” I sighed, already droning with the thought of what had happened earlier.
“He didn’t say anything” Harry said, adjusting his face to the bitterness of the beer, “Just that he wanted to know where you were.”
“If he really needed me, he’d come and get me.” I huffed, rolling my arms whilst I leaned against the worktop.

Casually sipping on my drink, Hayley came over to talk to me. We hadn’t had a proper chat in a good few days and I had missed her. I also chatted a bit to Zayn, who was using his cheeky-charm on me, trying to make Lucy jealous on purpose. He always loved annoying Lucy because he got the greatest reactions from her. It was quite amusing!
Louis and Sarah were getting on really well. I could see Harry pulling disgusted faces whenever the two got close. He didn’t like the thought of his sister and one of his best friends “pulling.” But the two were having such a good laugh here and there.

It shouldn’t have annoyed me, but the thought of Colleen and Niall being no where in sight made me worried. They could be up to anything, making me sick to the gut. I was supposed to be having fun tonight, but so far things were just as casual as ever.

“Harry. I want to have fun.” I pouted, turning around to face him as he looked down to me from the counter-top.
“Alright. What do you have in mind?” He asked, pushing his can of beer to the side.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged, “But I want to take my mind off things. Let loose. Y’know?”
“Suppose.” He smirked. I could see ideas forming in his head already. “Let’s dance?” He laughed.
“Fine.” I said smugly, pulling his arm as he jumped down and landed gently onto the ground - effortlessly. 

Clearly, a lot more people had arrived in our short absence in the kitchen. The living room was packed with people. The curtains were closed and lights were flashing, music blaring. It all seemed so crazy - which was exactly what I was looking for. Looking up at Harry, I saw a smile spread across his face. This was obviously his idea of “fun”, and I wasn’t going to spoil it for him.

Pulling him up into the center of all the craze, I began dancing a long side him to the music. Liam was obviously in control of the music, he had been practicing his DJ’ing skills and he wasn’t too bad at it. Harry wasn’t dancing, just more or less jumping up and down on the spot to the music. It was cute. Very cute. Jessica came a long to join us a long with Louis and Sarah. Everything was such a laugh. Holding our drinks up in the air, I could tell we were all beginning to get very drunk; exactly what I wanted. The beats were getting faster and more and more people were piling into the living room. The air was sticky and humid, making my clothes stick to my body. Beads of sweat began forming on Harry’s head, making him have to move the curls that lay over his forehead to the side every so often.

“You look really cute!” I shouted over the music; the drink taking over inside me.
“And you look hot!” He laughed.
“I am, really hot!” I sighed, fanning my face with my hand.
“No, like.. really hot!” He grinned, making me feel awkward and stupid for thinking he meant the other thing.
“Isn’t that adorable?!” I said, lifting my arms and clasping them together behind his neck.

Harry leaned his head down, smiling coyly at me. For once, I didn’t feel out of place. I felt confident and good about myself. Why wouldn’t I be? Tonight was going to me an amazing night.

“Kiss me you fool!” Harry laughed over the music.
“Sure?” I winked, leaning my toes forward to plant a kiss on Harry’s lips.

Little did I know what this kiss would turn out into. None of us pulled back. Instead, he placed his hands upon my hips, swaying me with the music - even though it had a harsh beat. We were contrasting with the loudness and rowdy-ness of the music and everyone around us. Our lips were moving in synchronization, in unison with each other. I felt relieved, but hungry for more. I knew it was the drink taking over, and I loved every second of this new-found freedom and confidence. His tongue was begging for entrance over my lips, and I was happy to go through with it. Intertwining my fingers with his hair, I could feel my vision becoming blurry. This feeling was amazing. Especially with Harry.

“Slow down you too!” Louis laughed hysterically, clapping Harry on the back.

Slowly, Harry pulled back and clicked his head over to Louis, raising his eyebrows with a smirk plastered across his face. Smiling, I dropped my hands to Harry’s waist and pulled him closer, looking around to see if anyone else was staring at us. Louis and Harry were mumbling things to each other, smug looks passing back and forth.

“Are you really?” I heard Louis mumble.
“If Liam can, I can.” Harry smirked back.
“Go for it!” Louis winked.

Harry turned his head towards me, whispering into my ear; “You coming?”
Not one to say no, I nodded and Harry took my hand in his, leading me through the large crowd of people and out of the hall. To my surprise, another hand clasped onto my free one, pulling me back.
“Rachel, I need to talk to you.”
Turning around, I was faced with an upset and confused looking Liam.

“Can’t it wait? I’m busy.” I frowned.
“No, it’s important.” Liam pleaded, looking at my other hand that was linked to an anxious looking Harry.

Rolling my eyes, I turned to Harry and gave him the “One minute” signal with my hand before we walked further down the call. Harry sat eagerly on the stairs as Liam and I began talking.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Liam said, knowing that the music would refer Harry from hearing us.
“Having fun!” I smiled, pleased with my actions.
“Fun? Do you remember what happened the last time you wanted to have ‘fun’?”
“That was last time, though. This is this time, silly!”

Furrowing his eyebrows together, Liam ducked his head towards my mouth, sniffing lightly before tutting.
“You’ve drank too much. That wont mix well with your pills.”
“No, it’s fine. I didn’t take them!” I grinned, feeling wise for not doing so.
“What?!”
“I didn’t take them. I would’ve got sick. I don’t want to be sick. Silly Liam!”
“You’re away to go and have ‘fun’ with Harry, drunk, plus you’ve not taken your medication? Are you fucking insane, Rachel?” 

Who did Liam think he was trying to control me? I could control myself. I was perfectly capable of looking after myself. Yeah, maybe things didn’t go to plan when Liam and I went through this, but Harry and Liam are two different people. Who’s to say the same thing would happen? I trusted Harry; he wouldn’t use me.

Would he?

—

In my mind, I wasn’t in the wrong. Liam was. He shouldn’t have been trying to boss me around. It was my choice, my intension and I was here to have fun. Liam was just playing the “double standards” game. If it was himself I was walking up the stairs with, ready to have a good time, he would happily have no trouble going along with it. But he’s only being defensive over me because it’s not him. It’s Harry. He couldn’t quite get over the fact that I had moved on.

But I hadn’t.

I just liked to tell myself that, and show that side of me to others. I couldn’t look weak. I couldn’t look easy? I wasn’t easy. Harry knew that. Didn’t he? Being too drunk, I couldn’t see any disadvantages of this current situation. Instead, I abandoned Liam and stumbled back over to Harry who was sitting impatiently on the bottom step of the stairs, glancing up at me as I stood in front of him with an unsteady smile on my face. Somehow, I felt bad for disobeying Liam. Like I should have taken his advice to heart and done good things with it. But being my tipsy self, I couldn’t see myself doing anything wrong. 

“You coming?” I questioned Harry, stepping over him and up a few steps.
“Uh.. yeah, sure.” He grinned, sounding slightly unsure but following behind me.

I felt my heart pounding through my chest at the thought of what Harry and I could get up too. To me, he was no longer a stranger. But one of my best friends. Boy friend potential. A great kisser, and was pretty lush, if I do say so myself. I felt a rush of excitement travel through my body, causing the light hairs on my arms to stand on end as we reached the top of the stairs. Although I was nervous, my new found confidence did come in handy. The alcohol had gotten to me, and because of that, I was a lot more calmer.

Stopping in my tracks at the top of the stairs, I turned around to face Harry with an eager look on my face. Smiling back at me, he bent down and kissed the end of my nose lightly, leaving a small moist spot. Then, grasping onto my hand gently, he led me to a tall white door. I was familiar with the look of Liam’s house, and I knew that this certain room was his parents room. I found it humorous that I if things went through with Harry and I, that would be the second time i’d had sex in Liam’s house. Was that funny - or sick? Either way, it amused me.

Looking down at Harry’s free hand, he timidly placed it on the door handle, but stopped when we both heard one loud bang. Giving each other a suspicious look, I soon took the lead and nudged Harry’s hand away from the door, pushing it open with force. Stepping in to the dimly lit room, my eyes were drawn to the bed. Clearly, this room was already taken, but that wasn’t the reason I was drawn to it.

On the floor beside the bed was an extremely white pair of Adidas Adi-rise’s. A very familiar pair of Adidas’. 

Niall’s.

I could hear muffled giggles and that all too familiar Irish voice flowing from under the bed sheets, making me feel sick. Physically sick. 

“Niall?” I creaked, hardly even noticeable.
“Look, just.. leave ‘em too it, Rachel.” Harry whispered beside me, pulling my hand back, trying to lead me away.
“No.” I mumbled, shaking my head. My eyes were locked on the bed, not blinking once.

Glad that Harry listened to my commands, he stood back, biting his lip intensely.

“Niall?” I spoke up a bit louder.

Nothing but the giggles becoming louder, and the two saying sweet-nothing’s to each other.

“Niall!” I shouted, growing impatient. 

Suddenly, the room turned silent. No sound except the beat of the music vibrating off of the walls from downstairs. I began to hear the sound of my heart beating in my chest, and Harry breathing unsteadily behind me - only creating tension. 
The thought of who could’ve been under the covers with Niall sickened me. I knew it could only be one person, right? It had to be Colleen. As much as I would’ve loved it if it was Jessica - as I wanted those two to get back together - it wasn’t.

Annoyingly, Colleen’s head peeped out of the covers. Hair messed up, face looking tired, but excited. A smile was plastered across her face, from ear-to-ear, but it soon faded as she saw the look of disgust on my face. I couldn’t quite contain myself. How could he?

“Bitch.” I said with no emotion.
“Excuse me?” He questioned, sitting up in her position.

Luckily, they hadn’t got to the stage where any clothes were taken off, only shoes.

“Get Niall, now.” I growled through gritted teeth.

To my demand, Niall’s ruffled, blonde-haired head soon peaked out from under the covers. He looked guilty, and partially shocked to see Harry and I, although Harry was keeping eerily quiet about the whole ordeal. It seemed as if he didn’t quite recognize me. I could see his eyes travelling up my body, almost admiring me. Then, he quickly shifted into a “neutral” position; yanking something up from under the covers before hopping onto the floor, standing a few meters away from me.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I sighed, to upset to argue or shout.
“Just.. messing about.” I mumbled, itching the side of his head awkwardly.
“This isn’t like you Niall. Isn’t like you at all..”
“Looks like you two were going to do the same thing, though?” He pointed out, his eyes tearing away from me and to Harry who tried to stay out of it all.
“Don’t bring me into this.” He said, backing away.
“But I’m right, aren’t I? You two were planning the same.” Niall questioned me.
“Not.. planning. It just happened. Or, it almost happened.” I whispered, looking at the floor.
“Don’t be a hypocrite, Rachel.” Niall spat, pushing past me.

Falling back a lot more than he probably had planned, I banged back into the wall beside Harry, almost winding myself as I gasped for breath. To my surprise, the tears soon began rolling down my cheeks. I could feel Harry intensely staring at me, feeling appalled by Niall’s actions. No good could come of this.

“Niall!” He yelled, pulling Niall back into the room.
“What?!” He screamed back, straight into Harry’s face.

I could see how taken back Harry was from this - he didn’t expect such a reaction from Niall, but wasn’t afraid to fight back. 

“Don’t you dare make Rachel cry like that. You might not be able to see it, but I can. I can see how much you mean to her. You’re her everything. She’s always telling me what an amazing best friend you are. Always pointing her in the right direction, being her shoulder to cry on, being her everything. And this is how you treat her? She’s only looking out for you.”
“Looking out for me? I’m always having to look out for her. Not just me, but everyone. She’s so careless! Taking her medication this day, not the next. Sleeping with half of the guys in our school, changing and rearranging plans. You say I’m her everything? She means more to me than any girl ever can, but she never shows any respect to me at all, or any of my girlfriends aside from Jessica.” He pleaded to Harry, almost forgetting that I was in the same room.

“You make her out to be some sort of slut? It’s only been Liam, Niall. Just Liam. Yeah, it was going to be me, but there’s more important things than fucking every girl a square inch away. We both know she can’t help how she acts, and you can’t turn this all around on her.”
“I just don’t know what to do with her.” Niall mumbled, shrugging his shoulders and looking over to me.

The tears were streaming. I had slid down the wall and onto the soft, red carpet of Liam’s parents room. Glancing through blurry, watery eyes, I saw Colleen on their bed. She looked terrified. A sudden urge of guilt washed over me. Why was I so harsh on her? She was the victim, not me. Maybe I should’ve been more supportive over Niall? But I was deeply hurt. I had so many things I wanted to tell him, that I decided to confide in Harry instead. I never knew Harry was such a good listener, remembering all the little facts I had told him.

I might have been pissed out of my mind, but I could never confess the truth.

Do you want to know that truth? The truth that almost killed me everyday?

I loved them.

Niall.
Liam.

..Harry.

—

My Sunday was filled with many texts to Liam. He had asked me how I got home on Saturday night, and why did I leave so early. Not wanting him to think that his birthday was no fun for anyone else except him, I just blamed it on a stomach ache. But then I forgot how smart Liam was.

Liam; “Stomch acee? Why did harry leav with you? Nd why did niall and colleen leave to? Wht happened? xxxxx” 

To Liam; “We just didn’t feel up to it. All partied out I suppose? Don’t worry about it! :) xxxxx”

Liam; “Did you nd harry..? Hope nt.. xxxxx”

To Liam; “No, we didn’t. xxxx”

—-

After Harry and I had walked in on Niall and Colleen, things never felt so uncomfortable. Niall and Harry were exchanging words as if I was nowhere in sight, even though I was inches away from them both. Colleen eventually ran out crying, making my heart hurt a lot. I felt like such a bitch after she had done nothing wrong. Nothing at all. Niall was very reluctant to going after her, but Harry reassured him.

“Just go, Niall.” Harry sighed, closing his eyes, almost looking as if he was in pain.
“What about R-“
“Go!” He huffed through clenched eyelids.

No other words escaped from Niall’s lips. Instead, he turned his head to look at me as I sat hopelessly on the floor. I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. 

“Sorry.” Niall mumbled before walking out, leaving Harry and I to dread in the silence of the room.

I could hear Harry’s breathing turn softer and less noticeable as Niall left. The music was still booming, louder than before, but the room still felt silent to me. A few unsteady breathing patterns passed before Harry turned to face me, hesitantly shuffling over to the spot beside me on the floor. Propping his knees up, he rested his elbows against them, clutching his hands in one another before turning his head to look at me, tilting it at an angle to see my face which was tucked into my arms as I sat in the same position as Harry.

“You okay?” He whispered, edging his face closer to my arms.
“Yeah.” I croaked, taking a quick intake of breath.
“Something’s wrong. You shouldn’t have gotten this upset. Just tell me?”
“I can’t!” I groaned, annoyed with the fact that I really couldn’t tell. I couldn’t bare the fact of making things worse between us all.
“Is it really that bad?” He asked, pulling his head away from my face and leaning it up against the pale, white-washed wall; dimly lit by the lamp on the bedside table.
“Bad? No, it’s a good thing. Part of it is, anyway.”
“Then tell me? It’s not good to bottle things up.” He reminded me.

You always get told not to bottle up your emotions. That it’s a bad thing that can always lead up to no good; but can it really? If nobody knows your agonizing pain, isn’t that better? Nobody can judge you on mistakes you’ve made, simply because they didn’t know the mistakes you’ve made - or the choices. So what was the problem? The problem was that I wanted to tell him. I had a strong connection with Harry. He was such an easy-going person. So understanding, so passionate. Yet, still a stereotypical boy in almost every aspect. Just those few little details made him all the better. One of the many reasons my relationship with Harry had grown so fondly. He was amazing.

“Everything is just so complicated. You wouldn’t understand.” I sighed, dropping my knees so they lay flat out on the floor, my hands at either side of my waist.
“Try me?” Harry said, raising his eyebrows. 

I felt as if I had no choice now. I knew how understanding Harry would be, that was one of his many pro’s. I kept thinking over the lines in my head, as if I was reading from a script I had just made up on the spot - because it sort of was like that. 

He must’ve noticed how quiet I was, due to him gently brushing his hand over mine, laying it delicately on top as he waited for words to come out of my mouth. It might not have seemed like a big deal to you, but telling someone that I like them, and their two friends, was really difficult for me. 

“This will be so awkward.” I mumbled to myself.
“Don’t make it awkward. Just come out with it, it’ll be fine.” He assured me, brushing his thumb over the back of my hand.

Closing my eyes, I clenched down on my bottom lip harshly, feeling the pain bring sudden pleasure to me before I suddenly outburst my confession.

“You, Niall, Liam..”
“What about us?” He questioned, the rubbing of his thumb across my hand halting.”

Turning my head to face Harry, a look of pure confusion wiped across my face, I said; “I think I’m in love?”

——

School on Monday morning, like I thought it would’ve been, was awkward. Sitting in registration was the worst. It was where Harry, Niall, Liam and I were all in the same room. It could’ve been worse. Colleen could’ve been here?

Zayn and Lucy kept laughing, reminiscing how good Liam’s part was and that they had a really good time. With Liam being clueless to what actually happened, he wasn’t quiet at all. He was happy and bubbly, but I could tell he knew something was up - but decided not to say anything. Louis seemed to have had a good time as well, telling Harry that his sister, Sarah, was a fun girl to be around and he was glad the two were getting closer. 

What hurt me the most? The looks Niall kept giving me; such guilty looks. Looks of sorrow and despair that really hurt me. He didn’t even know half of the story, only Harry did. Harry knew the full story, which made me feel even worse for Niall, and partially Liam.

I would have to come clean and tell them eventually, but when? That was a mystery.

First period, English, wasn’t too bad. I couldn’t have taken my seat beside Harry any quicker. Niall walked in sheepishly, locking eyes with me as soon as he walked in, and sulking over to his seat beside Colleen who kept quiet for the whole period. I felt even worse, if that was possible, for pulling them two apart. I would much rather Niall be happy with Colleen than with somebody like me. I wasn’t good for Niall. We were only good as best friends, like I had intended in the first place. 

‘Once in the friend zone, there’s no getting out.’
A saying I practically worshiped.

“Thing’s will be fine.” Harry whispered into my ear, nuzzling his nose into my hair.

Rubbing my ticklish neck into my shoulder, I turned to look at Harry with a smile. He took the whole confession really well, but I think he thought I was kidding. That the fact I hadn’t taken my medication and that I was drunk made me say things I didn’t think were actually true. But either way, I was glad he didn’t think things between us could get any worse. 

Things were actually going to get a lot better, for a change..

—

We were all surprised in registration on Tuesday when our form teacher started by handing out new timetables. We hadn’t even got that far into our other timetables we had just been given after Summer, and they were expecting us to remember a new one so quickly? 

It turned it, this was the subjects we had chosen for our course choice, which would be linking in with out exams. Almost snatching the thin sheet from our teacher, I gleamed as I saw that I had managed to get in most of the classes that I put in for. All-in-all, my timetable was pretty good. There were no “bad days”, because every day I had at least one subject that I liked.

The bell rang, rushing all of our group to whatever our first class would be. To my disadvantage, I had biology first. A subject that I was good at, but a subject that bored me to tears. Walking into Biology with my bulky folder grasped tightly to my chest, I took a seat at an empty table and waited for everyone to arrive. Having a big group of friends meant that at least one of them was in each one of your classes. In Biology, I had Liam, Zayn, Sarah and Hayley in my class. Cursing under my breath as Liam took the only seat beside me, Zayn, Hayley and Sarah took the seats down the other side of the table - but we all still sat together.

“Why are you being so quiet with me?” Liam frowned as soon as he touched his seat.
“Am I? Sorry.” I replied, sounding shocked at his accusation.
“It’s fine.” He said in a hushed tone, opening his jotter.

Being first period, the whole class went very slow. We were making bullet-points from different slide shows about the Biosphere; Agriculture to be precise. 
I didn’t even have to look at Liam once to know that he was looking at me as my back faced him so I could look at the board; and I got such a fright when he started fiddling with one of the loose strands of hair dangling from the bun placed at the top of my head. 

“Your hair looks nice today.” He grinned as I turned to face him.
“It’s just normal.” I mumbled, taking the piece of hair and tucking it behind my ear quickly.

I could tell Liam felt how distant I was being, but that was because I was in another one of my “moods.” I wasn’t being distant to everyone, just Liam. Whenever Zayn would ask me what chemical killed insects, I gave him the answer straight. Or whenever Hayley or Sarah would ask for my sharpener, I would answer them normally. But things felt strange around Liam. No wonder? 

Whenever Harry, Liam and Niall were all in the same place with me, I could see a smirk growing on Harry’s face as he felt somewhat proud to be the only one out of all of our friends that knew my big secret. Yes, it was annoying, but it was really cute too. To our worry, Liam caught on and noticed Harry’s smirk at lunch time today, when all of us - including Niall- were packed into one booth in “Seventy’s cafe.” Hayley was also with us, but I felt as if she was pushed out of the question.

“What’s with the smirk? You’re always doing it. Fucking annoying.” Liam grumbled, leaning his elbow against the table, propped up with his head resting in the palm of his hand.
“What smirk?” Harry eyebrow’d, the look become more noticeable.
“Somebody slap him?” Liam sighed, sounding fed up with Harry’s antics.

Feeling the room become more intense, I held my breath and waited for both of them to calm down. Liam was on edge because I wasn’t talking to him, and Harry was particularly happy today, knowing that Liam was becoming irritated by things Harry knew and he didn’t. But Niall? He sat back beside me and watched everything unfold. How we managed to sit together and watch them both without even thinking about how awkward it was, was amazing. Liam and Harry began arguing quietly whilst the rest of our group - Zayn, Lucy, Jessica and Louis - sat at another booth. Sarah, Harry’s sister, soon came to join them, taking her seat beside Louis.

“I’m sorry.” Niall whispered into my ear, his eyes still locked on the argument in front of us.
“Shh.” I hushed, resting my head against the wall, clenching my eyes shut.
“No, I really am!” He protested to himself.
“Alright. But you’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” I shrugged, keeping my eyes shut.
“For being horrible to you, and not understanding.. things.” He said, edging closer to me.

I could feel his breath on my ear, his accent rippling through my thoughts as I tried to block him out, and Liam and Harry arguing. Somehow, Niall’s breathing pattern calmed me down. It soothed my thoughts, making me go into a light fantasy that was soon interrupted by loud voices. I could hear Lucy at the other table, hushing the voices. But that didn’t work. Then Zayn stepped in, trying to get them to be quiet. 

“You know something and you’re not telling any of us!” Liam shouted, shifting in his seat.
“Because it’s none of your business to know?” Harry replied.
“But you do know something?” Liam groaned, noticing he was getting nowhere.
“I never said that.” 
“You never denied it?!”
“Shut up!” I shouted, soaring across both of their voices.

The cafe turned quiet; all attention was now focused on my as I picked my head up from the wall, opening my eyes to observe the situation. I felt Niall flinch slightly as I shifted around in my seat, very agitated. I was tired of all this fighting. Things were supposed to be getting better now, but since Harry had came in to our group, things go from bad - to worse. But I didn’t want to see him leave us so soon, so here would be another thing to keep to myself.

“We all need to calm down. Relax. And stop. The. Fucking. Arguing.” I said, taking very deep breaths.
“I agree.” Jessica nodded from the other table.
“We’d get along if no secrets kept all of us apart. Who agrees with that?” Liam informed us, looking around for some praise.
“I do.” Shrugged Niall, looking sheepishly at me.

To my disadvantage, Louis, Hayley and Lucy also agreed; but I knew I wouldn’t be telling them. It was none of their business. Yes, maybe Niall, Harry and Liam’s - but that’s all. Nobody else needed to know, but nobody apart from Harry would know from this point forward. What good could it cause? 

“It’s only a small thing. You wouldn’t care, honestly.” I mumbled, trying to go off topic.
“Then tell us?” Liam suggested.
“Will you stop pressuring her?!” Harry spat, biting viciously on his bottom lip.
“Stop speaking for her?” Liam argued.
“Her name is Rachel, and she has feelings too!” Niall joined in, causing one big three-way argument.

Voices were being raised, tones becoming unbearable. The amount of testosterone in one small, little booth was incredibly high. I knew it couldn’t be long until something happened - breaking the argument up.

‘A kiss with a fist is better than none..’
-

Harry watched the body lie on the floor, towering over it in a threatening manner; “Is that how you treat somebody who loves you?!”

—

Harry’s words went ringing through the now silent cafe. Everyone’s eyes were locked on the crippled body trying to get up from the floor, only to fall over again with a hard thump from Harry’s foot.

“Are you wanting to kill him?!” I screamed, leaping from my seat and in front of Harry.

As intimidating as I tried to make myself look, it didn’t work. So much tension was built up in Harry’s face, like he was ready to pounce on me as well. His eyes were filled with such intensity as they stared back into mine, eyebrows furrowed together, fists clenched. He was picture perfection - even when he was mad. But fuck, was he violent.

“Help him up.” I spat through gritted teeth.
“I’m not touching him.” Harry replied with disgust.
“Let me rephrase this. You WILL help him up.” I said monotonically, my eyes soon flinching from Harry to the ground.

“Liam..” I mumbled, shaking my head as I went to pull him up, seeing no effort from Harry as he clearly wasn’t effected by my words.

Liam placed one of his hands on the top of his head, clenching his eyes tightly together. He looked like he was in so much pain, but thankfully no blood was shed. The force of the punch was really something, but I knew Harry had it in him. I just never thought he would let his emotions get to such an extent that this would happen. Talking a hold of mine and Niall’s hands, Liam came back to his feet, staying quiet. Along with Harry.

The strangers in the cafe were still looking intently at all of us - our big group, until one of the waitresses had to ask us all to leave. It was very embarrassing, for all of us. But we could only blame Harry, Niall and Liam. They had it coming.

“I can’t believe you did that.” Zayn mumbled to Harry as we walked out onto the street.
“He had it coming.” Harry shrugged.
“How did I?” Liam spat, turning around and almost stumbling, clearly still disorientated. 
“Not again.” I whispered to myself, feeling fed up. 

I felt as if I could burst into tears. Partially it was due to my disorder, but I knew it was also because of the current situation. I never thought Harry could be so immature, and clearly everything was becoming too much for me. I couldn’t even begin to think about how everyone else was feeling. It must have been a pretty big shock for them too. What was the worst part? They were all fighting over me. Over the secret that Harry knew, and Niall and Liam didn’t.

“They’re boys. It’s what they do..” Lucy said into my ear, squeezing my hand for reassurance. 
“I’m tired of it. I need to do something.” I whimpered.
“What can you do?”
“They worst thing possible, or the best thing..” 

On impulse, I let go of Lucy’s hand and took a step forward into yet another argument between Harry, Liam and Niall. What I had to tell them was long overdue. Taking a deep breath, I broke into the middle of the argument.

“Shut up. For two seconds, please?!” I shouted over the top of them.

To my demand, they quieted down. As all our friends stood around watching whatever I was about to do, I decided maybe this wasn’t the best place to discuss things. Taking a quick glance at Liam to make sure he was still alright, I saw a feeling of hurt in his deep brown eyes. To think this was all caused by me, sickened me. It was disgusting. How could I even let myself? Telling Niall who he can and can’t date, then leading him on. Being so nice and then a complete bitch to Liam, and then leading him on. And in general, just leading Harry on whilst everything else was happening.

“Well..” Niall said, breaking my thoughts.

Coming back into reality, I looked around me at the three, important, gorgeous and amazing boys that were looking back at me. How lucky, yet unlucky was I?

“Come with me.” I mumbled, tucking a loose strand from my bun behind my ear and walking ahead.

“And what about us?” Louis shouted as us four began to walk away.
“Go.. find somewhere to have your lunch. We’ll be back soon.” I shouted back, whispering “hopefully..” to myself.

After a few minutes of silence, only the sound of many footsteps, Liam piped up.

“Where are we going, exactly?”
“I don’t know.” I confessed, stopping in my tracks.
“Are you going to..?” Harry mumbled, looking up at me.

Biting hard on my bottom lip, I blinked cautiously and nodded. Was I actually away to do it? It seemed so stupid to think that I would actually be considering confessing it all. Any normal, confused teenage girl would happily stay confused than rather confess to the boy she loves, or in this case three boys. Let’s just say, I’m not a normal teenage girl. 

“What’s she away to do?” Niall asked, sounding slightly too worried to my liking.

Looking around, I noticed that we had actually walked into the park only a few minutes away from our school. It was quite crowded, but we had managed to make it to the more secluded area, away from the screaming teenagers taking advantage of the last few days of Summer weather that remained. Telling the boys to take a seat on one of the benches that was rusting away into nothing, I took a step back from them. I was proud that none of them had lashed out at each other already, which was a slight achievement. 

“I don’t know how to say this.” I confessed, folding my arms across my chest.
“Maybe it’s better left unsaid?” Harry implied, leaning back against the bench.
“It’s not fair that he knows and we don’t, that’s all I was trying to say. It’s obviously a big deal if you dragged us out here. Niall and I, we’re clueless.” Liam sighed, not losing eye-contact with me for one second. 
“I know. I will tell you both, right now in fact. Just let me think about how I’m going to phrase this.”

Thinking to myself, I planned on targeting them all separately, before coming in for the final message. I wanted to tell them everything I loved about them, and then confess everything. In my head, it seemed that doing it this way would settle everything before the big news. 
I started off with Liam. Then, it would be Niall and Harry. I was just going with the order they were sitting in on the bench.

“Liam.” I said, my head dropping to the ground. Thankfully, he didn’t answer my rhetorical question.
“I don’t think I can come to terms with how amazing you are. You’re always looking out for me, and you’ve put up with me through literally everything. Through good times, and bad times. You’re so protective over me, always wanting the best and putting my own safety before yours. Even though we’ll never be as close as we used to be, before everything, you’re still such a major part in my life and I wouldn’t want to lose you for anything.”

Looking up, I saw how intrigued Liam looked. Noticing that I stopped, a smile played at the corners of his lips. Taking advantage of the moment, I quickly moved onto Niall. Feeling more confident. Looking him in the eye.

“Oh, Niall.” I smiled, shuffling my feet against the had pavement.
“You’re the cutest thing to ever walk this planet, you know that? But I miss how we used to be. Lately, something’s changed in your life, but you wont open up too me and tell me what’s going on. You’re one of the most important people to me, and I don’t want to lose you. Not over some silly girl, because I don’t care about who you date anymore. I want you to be happy, and I want you and me to be as close as we were. We were inseparable.” I babbled, tears forming in my eyes.

I could tell that Niall was somewhat effected. Whenever our eyes met, he would look away, but with a smile. Adorable.

Last, but by far not the lest, I was on to that cheeky-curly-chap. Even though he already knew what the big secret was, this was finally time for me to express my feelings for this new boy in my life.

“Curly, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you?” I laughed, noticing Harry look down with a smile plastered across his face.
“I’ve known you what, five minutes? And already we’re as close as ever. I never thought I could know so much about someone I had just met a few weeks ago. But unlike everyone else, I know I can trust you over half of the people who have been in my life, all of my life. It takes someone really special to do that. You’re someone I don’t want to see walk away from me anytime soon, so don’t.”

That big, Cheshire cat-like grin beamed across his face, surrounded by those flawless curls. He nodded and looked over to the other boys who were still all coy and happy. My plan had worked, so far?

“I’m not done yet.” I butted in, causing Niall and Liam’s heads to quickly snap over to my direction. 

Harry knew what was coming, they didn’t.

“What I’m about to say, please don’t let it escalate out into too much? You’ve got to have a lot of balls to say this, so don’t think it’s all bullshit and lies, because everything I just said to each and everyone one of you wasn’t. This goes out to each of you. Harry, Niall, Liam..”

Niall sat forward, obviously feeling quite tense by what I was about to say. These vital words can change someones life. Let it be for better, or for something totally worse. But this was my life, and I wanted to be in control of it for once, not my emotions. I was doing this because I wanted to, not because I had to. 

“I love you.”

—

There was an eerily awkward silence that lingered through the crowded park. Was that even possible? In this situation, it seemed so.

“You know we love you too, right?” Niall ‘fessed, breaking the silence.

It hurt to know that he didn’t quite comprehend it all in the way I wanted him to, but I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself and go through the whole explanation process again. He’d catch on eventually - I hoped.

“Yeah, I know.” I mumbled, still disappointed.
“I don’t know why you made such a big deal out of this. You know that we’ll always love you, Rachel. No matter what.” Liam smiled, standing up from the bench and patting down the black material that was his trousers.

Nodding, I stepped towards Liam as he opened his arms to me, pulling me gently into him. Grasping onto his shirt with my two hands, like a baby, I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to let go of any of the boys, but Harry was the only one who understood my feelings properly. Liam’s hands began trailing up and down my back, in little footstep motions, sending little shivers up my spine - comforting shivers. Liam had that all familiar smell of cologne, and his natural scent that filled my nostrils in delight. I could feel the heat radiating off of his body onto mine, through his shirt. This feeling was all too familiar, but comforting and warm. But there is a thing as being too comfortable. This whole ordeal felt more like a cuddle than a hug.

“Friends?” Liam mumbled into the top of my hair, kissing that spot lightly.
“Mhm.” I replied, pulling away before things became even more comfortable. 

“Come here, you!” I laughed, hobbling over to Niall. 

A hug with Niall was a lot more easy than a hug with Liam. There was no past tension, just past troubles and experiences that made it even more special. Usually, I would hug Niall on a daily basis, so this was nothing new for me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love another hug from Niall now and again.

“You’ll always be my girl, no matter what.” He said, smiling into the hug, his Irish accent heavenly to my ears.
“I know that now.” I laughed, pulling back and flicking his nose with my fingertip. 

Today, it seemed as if Harry was always last for everything, but at least he was getting a hug in the first place. 

“My turn.. ‘bout time?” He said, taking a sigh of relief as he placed his hands on my waist and pulled our bodies together, making sure we didn’t collide with a thud and some injuries. Harry gave the best hugs, by far. He wasn’t too muscular, which made the embrace physically comfortable and more enjoyable. Like Liam, the heat radiated off of him and onto me, making me feel warm inside for some cheesy reason. It was lovely. Harry’s cologne was a lot more fresh-smelling, compared to Liam’s, and the curls surrounding that dimpled face of his tickled my cheeks as I buried my head into his chest, holding onto his navy jumper.

“We really should get back.” Niall mumbled, sounding awkward and on-the-spot.

Looking up at Harry, I saw a smug look on his face, feeling pleased that he had caused Niall and possibly Liam some displeasure. That had to be the only thing about Harry that irritated me. He would always try and better everyone else, and top their actions with his own. He’s your typical, testosterone-filled boy, I suppose.

We hadn’t left enough time for ourselves to eat lunch, the bell ringing as we crossed the road to go back to the school. The rest of the school day was just typical Monday morning, but with our new timetables. I had a good few people in my classes, which pleased me.

——-

By the time the school day had ended, I couldn’t have been more relieved to finally be heading home. Harry didn’t walk with Hayley and I this time, which brought me slight relief as I really wanted to catch up with Hayley. I felt like the most important people to me were slipping away, but I could never let Hayley slip away that easily - she was my everything, along with all of my other friends. I wouldn’t trade any of them for the all world.

Today was Monday, which meant my parents were both working until late. The fact that they trusted me alone in a house until around ten o’clock made me feel very mature and thankful for having such understanding parents. But had they forgotten about my disorder? What if I suddenly felt the urge to jump out of my bedroom window, because that urge has came over me before, but they managed to stop me. But they reassured me that as long as I took my medication, the chances of all of that happening again were very slim.

Saying my fair wells to Hayley, I pulled out my house key from my cardigan pocket, and turned it int he door, hearing it click. Closing the door behind me, I quickly ran up to my room, hearing the creak of the steps underneath my feet as I opened my bedroom door. Changing out of my school uniform and into a black vest-top and a pair of black and red polka-dot pajama bottoms, I slid into some bed socks and made my way down into the kitchen. Not having any lunch really took its toll on me, as by now, I was starving! I wanted something quick and easy, so I decided on sticking a cheese pasty in the oven. It was quick, partially healthy and what not. If it filled my stomach, I was a happy girl. 

The wait always seems so much longer when you’ve got partially nothing to do. I had resorted to watching re-runs of Hannah Montana whilst my pasty turned golden brown, until I could smell the vapor emanating from the oven in the kitchen. Shuffling my feet along the carpet and through the laminate flooring in the kitchen, I shoved on a pair of oven-mitts and pulled out the tray with my food on it. Serving it up with some salt, ketchup and a fork and knife, I wandered aimlessly back through to the living room, kicking my feet up onto the coffee table as I tucked in. I might have been sixteen, but even a teenager at that age needed a little bit of Disney Channel in her life to put her in a good mood.

I couldn’t help but reflect back on my day, pondering to myself over the fact that Liam and Niall didn’t get any of what I was trying to tell them, yet Harry did? Harry seemed to be the only one who actually listened to me when I needed someone to talk too. Everyone else, being such lovely people, tried to understand my emotions but failed to an extend. But it was the effort that mattered, and maybe they just weren’t supposed to know in detail how I felt about them?

The doorbell rang, interrupting my thoughts. Truth be told, I wasn’t very eager on answering the door when my parents weren’t home - the thought of some mass murderer being at my door didn’t sound very appealing to me, at all. It had started to get dark outside, making me even more reluctant to answering, but I knew I had too as the ringing on the doorbell became even more frequent. Sliding my plate along the table, I tip-toed up to the door, checking through the peephole before I made any stupid decisions on actually opening the door.

Through the darkness, I could faintly see a sandy-haired boy with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his skinny jeans. A thin grey t-shirt clinging onto his chest as a beige knit cardigan lay over the top. My eyes gleamed at the fact Liam was standing at my door. Dare I open it when I look like a complete mess? I still hadn’t wiped off my makeup, more strands were falling from my messy blonde bun and to top it all off, I was lounging around in my pajamas eating a pasty. But this was Liam. We were very comfortable around each other, considering out past.

Giving in, I reluctantly opened the door, the cold breeze piercing through the house as I stood with the door wide open, shivering to bits in my ditsy vest top.

“Surprise?” He beamed, smiling.
“What are you doing here?” I laughed, my teeth chattering.
“I was thinking..” He said, stepping into the house and turning around to close the door, saving me from the icy draft.
“You were thinking? Nothing new, then.” I laughed.
“No, seriously. You know how we said.. friends, earlier today?”
“Yes..” I questioned, starting to wonder if maybe letting him inside my house would lead to no good and more drama.

Liam’s eyes soon dropped, exploring my body and then my face, as a very familiar smirk appeared, along with arched eyebrows. I recognized this certain look from Harry, which didn’t look to bad on Liam, I must admit.

“What about friends with benefits?” He winked, stepping closer to me.

—

Backing away slowly, my mind tried to figure out what Liam was actually trying to get at. Was he implying something, or simply just trying to be smart and mess with my head? This was very out of character for Liam. He was an intelligent boy; and this behavior was something I would expect from Harry, or Zayn even? Before he was with Lucy, ovcourse. 

“Go on.” Liam suggested, stepping even closer.

As much as I tried to keep backing away, I soon had to bump into something? That object would be a wall. Standing against it feeling as if I was in such danger, I held my breath; looking intently at Liam. A thought went through my head. I was in control of my actions, not Liam. We broke up because of my lack of control, and this was time to show him that I could control myself. I had grown into a stronger person - physically and mentally.

“What’s gotten in to you?” I murmured as he stopped in his tracks, inches away from me.
“What do you mean?” He replied, lifting his hand up to rest on my shoulder.
“This isn’t like you, Liam. Not like you at all.”
“Who says we can’t rekindle out past, eh?” He frowned, picking his hand up from my shoulder to my cheek, stroking his forefinger along my skin delicately.
“I say.” I felt a glimpse of regret towards my words, but If we didn’t work out in the past, who says we can work out now?
“If you can change, I can change.” He shrugged, dropping his hands to his side.

Did he have a point? I had changed - being able to keep in control, to some extent - so who was I to judge Liam? But maybe I wanted to try new things. Experience new relationships? Brush away the past and start new. Besides, I wasn’t too fond of this Liam. He was too forward, not listening to anyone. Something must have brought this one.

“Please, just go?” I sighed, hanging my head.
“We both know that’s not what you want.” 

Was he reading my mind? No, I didn’t want Liam to leave. But I also didn’t want to be “friends with benefits” - I told him I loved him because I wanted us all to be as close as we were. Deep down, I still had feelings for Liam, but that didn’t mean I wanted them to progress into a further mess?

“What do you want, Liam? Tell me that. I know fully what I want.” I said with confidence, bringing my head back up.

By now, it looked as if I had Liam caught up in the moment. He didn’t know what he wanted. He came here for what he thought he wanted.

“I want you. I want an us again.”
“Do you?” I questioned, not believing him at all.
“Isn’t that what you want?” He said, beginning to doubt himself.
“A little bit. But I wand an us in a completely different way. I want us to be as close as we were when there was an us, but without the difficulties.”

This all felt as if I was speaking to Niall. He wouldn’t understand and only heard what he want to heard. Once again, the only boy who really comprehended every word falling from my mouth was Harry. These things really made you think about how your decisions would turn out.

“So you don’t even want to try it out again?”

I paused, giving Liam a very confused look.

“Try what out?”
“You know..” He smirked, twirling a loose strand of hair from my bun around his finger. 
“Is that how easy you think I am? Please, go back to the Liam you were this morning. Not this disgusting, impulsive and disrespectful person you are right now.” I spat, meaning every word.
“I know you miss what we had.” He blurted out, as if not comprehending what I had just said.
“Ovcourse I do. Doesn’t mean I want it back, does it?”
“Not even a little bit.”

Liam lifted my chin up with his hand, gazing straight into my eyes. Normally, I would find this uncomfortable, but I was used to being around Liam so often that this was very natural. 

“Maybe a.. little bit?” I confessed, feeling as if I had just surrendered everything to him.

As if my words meant that everything he wanted, he got, he broke the ice between us that had been freezing over for months. Now, shattering into crystals below us. Slowly resting his lips against mine, I could feel everything slip away. My thoughts, our past, our troubles. With one simple kiss? With one simple kiss..

The mixture of timing and passion, clashed together. Everything was suddenly slow and easy, very soft and gentle. And next, our lips were tugging for entrance and ownership, hungry for more of what felt like poison. Our bodies now a thin sheet of paper apart, he pushed up against my torso, making me fall back onto the wall with ease. One of his hands lay on my waist, the other keeping him up-right as it pressed it against the wall. I recognized his familiar minty taste and the smell of his cologne - exciting and powerful, almost describing the spur of the moment passion. Never before, not even in out past relationship, had we kissed like this. With such need and emotion.

Fair to say, I was enjoying myself. But then I began regretting it. By going along with everything he wanted, it made me feel easy. This wasn’t why I was regretting it, though. I wanted things between Harry and I to progress. I knew Niall would settle for Colleen, and I thought Liam would move on - hence why I wanted to become closer with Harry. We had no difficult past, only bad memories that brought us closer together. We had built up foundations that were very strong and full of trust. By kissing Liam, I was re-opening doors that were long closed months ago. Before Harry came into my life, this would’ve been everything I wanted. Being back together with Liam and having my relationship back with Niall. But I didn’t want this anymore. Funny how things had to be this intense for me to notice?

“Liam..” I said as our lips parted for a quick second.

Fondles of kisses were passed back and fourth. Liam couldn’t stop himself, and I couldn’t find the urge to stop myself either, but I knew I had to. I needed to be strong. 

I needed to be in control.

“Liam, stop.” I gasped, pulling away suddenly.

His eyes, that were closed, shot open, giving me a startled look. Taking his index finger, he ran it smoothly across the corners of his lips, pulling his finger away to examine it as I stood back against the wall, breathless.

“Why stop? What’s the rush?” He said in a suggestive manner, scooping his arm around my waist and pulling me into him.
“This isn’t right, and you know it!” I protested, breathing in deeply, trying to restrain myself from pulling away, but also from touching him.
“You don’t want to say no..” He grinned, brushing his lips past my cheek.
“No, Liam. This is it, stop. If you care about me, you’ll stop.” I pleaded, gazing directly into his eyes.

Taking a deep breath, his arm fell from my waist, causing me to stumble back slightly. Swinging his head back, Liam bit down harshly on his bottom lip, itching his neck awkwardly.

“We could have restarted things, Rachel.” He mumbled, dropping his head to eye-level with me.
“You wanted to restart things by making our way up to the bedroom, didn’t you?” I sighed, knowing full well the answer. 

He nodded, looking guilty in the process. I knew Liam wouldn’t be able to keep up this “bad-boy” act for too long. It was Liam, after all. Dropping my shoulders as I took a sigh of relief, I slowly walked over to the front door - my legs feeling like jelly. Pulling the door handle, I opened the door and a blast of cold air entered. It felt nice, cooling me down from the heat I had just experienced. Looking at Liam behind me, I tilted my head towards the door, indicating for him to leave.

He took a few steps towards the door before turning to me, a look of sadness and content in his eyes.
“Why don’t you want there to be an us? I miss you. I miss kissing you. I miss hugging you. I miss sneaking to your house when you were grounded. I miss our phone calls until three in the morning. I miss you, Rachel.”

My heart began to ache. Truth be told, I deeply missed all those things too. Liam and I had a good, proper relationship. But I knew one kiss, though very meaningful, wouldn’t solve our problems. He wanted an answer? It was time to be truthful. 

“Because I want Harry..”

—

Wednesday was a very long day. Rain lashed off the pavements as I pulled back my curtains and let the grey beams of light shine through. Summer was truly over for one more year. 

After Liam left last night, not looking very pleased, I decided to hit the sheets early in dread for the next day at school. I knew Liam would keep that little secret between himself and I, because I could trust him. I felt as if I could trust a lot of people, little did I know..

Midway through getting changed into my routine school uniform, Hayley knocked on my bedroom door. I was up early for a change, hence why she looked so shocked to see me up and half ready. She sat herself on the end of my bed as I sat at my desk, fiddling with clasps and bobbles as I pondered over what way to wear my hair today.

“Leave it natural? It’s lovely natural.” Hayley grinned.
“It’s horrible.” I sighed, twirling a strand of my dirty-blonde hair around my index finger.
“Trust me, it’s not.” She huffed, standing up from the bed and appearing behind me, cupping all of my hair in her hands.

After a while of fiddling, Hayley grabbed one of my many hairbrushes and ran it through my hair, rubbing some serum through it to control the frizz before taking a white hair band and pulling it back through my hair, pulling my overgrown bangs back with it. Grabbing some hairspray, she volumized the back end of my hair before spraying it in place. To be quite fair, it looked really different and nice. Not usually a way I would wear my hair - but I liked it. Thanking Hayley, I applied my usual makeup. Instead, going for a pale lip gloss to match the paleness of my headband. I looked nice and fresh today. Pulling my waterproof Barbour jacket over my arms and my satchel-type bag over my shoulder, I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my umbrella before walking downstairs and into the kitchen, hesitantly downing my medication with a glass of water and quickly running out of the door with Hayley.

Although it was a disgusting, horrible rainy day, it was quite warm. Popping my umbrella up to protect Hayley and I from the rain, we began on our way to school for another pointless day filled with lessons and teachers telling us things they’ve already told us a million and one times before. At the school gates, Lucy and Zayn were standing hand-in-hand looking as adorable as always. They smiled and walked into school with us for shelter from the rain. Inside, we met with Louis and Sarah who had become inseparable lately. It was cute! Harry walked behind them looking like a third wheel as he came to join us. I noticed how particularly flat his hair looked today, possibly because it was dampened by the rain.

“You look like a drowned rat..” I joked to Harry, who replied with a frown before taking a grey beanie-hat out of his bag and pulling it over his head. 
“Don’t do that!” I sighed, pulling it off of his head before pushing it back into his bag and adjusting his hair with both of my hands. 

Using my fingers to brush it into place, it finally settled into an “acceptable” style.

“That was relaxing.” Harry grinned, resting his eyes shut.
“Steady on.” Zayn smirked, causing me to pull my hands away quickly and laugh nervously.

Right on time, Niall walked in. His hair also looking flat due to the rain. I noticed that he was walking with Colleen, and as much as it should’ve bothered me.. it didn’t. I felt happy for him. I had been such a cow to him and Colleen. I shouldn’t have been interfering in their relationship just because it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted my best friend to be happy, and if being happy means he wants to spend time with Colleen, then I had to accept that. 

“Where’s Jessica?” Lucy asked me, interrupting my thoughts.
“How should I know?” I questioned her, giving Lucy a funny look.
“I’m here?” She frowned, tapping on Lucy’s shoulder.
“Never mind!” Lucy laughed, causing Zayn to roll his eyes.

Everyone was here, all except for Liam. By the time the bell for registration rang, he still wasn’t here. I didn’t think much of it, and made my way to my first class with Harry without Liam on my mind. Niall followed behind us with Colleen as we made our way to English. I was so glad that I was as comfortable around Niall after everything that had happened. It was such a relief knowing that someone you thought you had lost, never actually left you in the first place. Taking my seat beside Harry in English, we did our usual talking session whilst the teacher read “To kill a mocking bird” in her loud, over-powering voice that made more than half the class laugh and cringe.

“What’d you get up to last night then?” Harry asked, leaning back in his seat with his arms folded tightly across his chest.
“Nothing.” I lied, thinking back to the events I had with Liam.
“Really? You’re always so busy.” Harry said in a sarcastic tone, winking at me as I rolled my eyes at him being a typical boy.
“So, where’s Liam?” Harry asked, giving me a suspicious look.
“Yeah, because I stalk the boy and I know his where abouts’ 24/7.” I sighed, slouching back in my chair.

Harry was annoyingly bringing out one of my moods. It could’ve been much worse, I suppose. I could have stood up in the middle of class and taken out all of my anger from the small talk we were having, but because I took my medication, the chances of this happening were very unlikely. 

“Just asking. You’re very feisty today..?”
“Do you want me to mess up your perfect hair styled by myself?” I asked in a threatening manner.
“Perfect hair, eh?” He smirked, raising his eyebrows at me.

It was only when I replayed what I said in my mind that I realized how stupid and pathetic I sounded. I was meant to sound daring, but it sounded as if I was giving him one of the many compliments he received daily - which I guess I was. 

“You’re very suggestive.” I confessed to Harry, peering at him from the side.
“You’re very cute.”
“You’re very cheeky!” I frowned, leaning forward to try and end our conversation. 

I loved these conversations with Harry, even though I tried to act as if I didn’t. As I moved forward, so did Harry. He moved in close to my ear, staying there for a moment to make sure the teacher wouldn’t look up at the wrong time, before whispering “We never finished what we started.”

Pausing, my mind went into overdrive. What did he mean by that? 

“What?” I whispered, snapping my head around to him as he leaned back in his chair with a smirk on his face - that all too familiar smirk.

“You don’t remember?” He chuckled to himself, “That night. The party, when we wanted to continue things in private?”
“Oh yes. How could I forget..” I mumbled, taking my attention away from him.

It seemed as if all boys wanted me for now as a “good time” - when I had only gone through with this perception once, and that was with Liam when we were in a solid relationship. I don’t know where Harry got all of these suggestive thoughts from, but I really shouldn’t have led him on. Not in this way, especially. One moment, he was so caring and sweet. The next, he was cheeky, typical and.. not the way I liked him. It was like he had multiple personalities or something. 

.. Almost as if he was like me.

—

Taking a deep breath and swallowing down hard on my saliva, I tried to stop myself from looking at Harry and fitting the pieces of the puzzle together. I was either completely right, or completely wrong. Either way, I wanted to find out. But discussing his disorders in the middle of school, English to be exact, didn’t seem very.. appropriate?

I knew Harry could sense my social awkwardness for the rest of the day. That’s because I couldn’t shake this.. thought of Harry being bipolar off of my mind. It couldn’t re true. He would have admitted it to me when I confessed to him that I was bipolar. It took a lot out of me, telling him that I was bipolar. It was an issue that I was really sensitive about. Maybe I was just being stupid? Maybe these personality changes and mood swings were just part of Harry being Harry. But I hadn’t known him long enough to know the in and outs of his personality. All I knew was that he was warm, inviting and someone who I knew would become a very important character in my life. 

During my time of thinking, I made a few realizations. I hardly knew anything about Harry’s personal life, his past, his family. But he knew plenty about me. This made me feel like a pile of shit. He was willing to listen to me, but I would never listen to him. Not that he ever asked me to listen to him, but that wasn’t the point. I wasn’t being a good friend. And even though I wanted us to be more than friends, in due time, I had to get to know him properly. No funny business, just a nice chat.

During my last class, History, I told Hayley that I wouldn’t be walking home with her. I had in fact planned out that I would walk home with Harry, invite him into my house, and get to know him. If he rejected, then I would be patient and wait. And wait. And wait however long it took until I found out if we had more in common than I had actually speculated. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I hid it under the crook of the wooden table and began speed-texting Harry, eyeing up the teacher every few seconds just to be sure that he hadn’t noticed me typing away whilst he talked about “Hitler’s rise to power.” 

To Harry; “Walk home from school with me, yeah? I need you to come back to mine so we can talk. It’s important, kay? xxxxx”

I didn’t have to wait long until I got a reply. Harry was never really interested in school lessons, so whipped his phone out to listen to music and text anyone just to get him through the class.

“Talk? Whatever you say, Rach ;) .xxxxx”

Typical. Part of me knew he would take this the wrong way, but I was up for no mess tonight. I needed to talk to him, and I would talk to him. No cutting corners, just a straight forward chat - like I had planned.

When History finally ended, I said bye to Hayley, Louis and Lucy. I would’ve said goodbye to Liam, but he hadn’t shown up all day, and he was in my History class. I should’ve been more suspicious to his whereabouts, but I was too focused on Harry. 

Picking up my bag, I swung it over my shoulder and quickly paced out of the classroom and down to the main doors of the school where Harry was waiting. His hands were buried neatly into his trousers and his back was facing me as he said his goodbye’s to some unfamiliar girls. Brushing this off, I walked up beside him and tapped on his shoulder, raising my eyebrows in a questioning manner. Turning his head to face me, looking down at the slight drop in height difference, we set off and out of the school doors. Harry tried his best to make conversation on the way to my house, but my head was too busy up and away with the clouds. I would only nod occasionally and smile, but I wasn’t really listening. I knew I should have, but I was too focused on my own selfish thoughts. Those were thoughts of Harry and how I was going to face asking him all of these multiple questions I had lined up for him.

“You okay?” Harry questioned, his hands still tucked into the pockets at the front of his black chinos.
“Why do you always assume something’s wrong?”
“Just checking.” He frowned, taking his gaze away from mine.

It was times like these I hated being me. I couldn’t help the way I acted towards others; it just happened. I would be such a bitch, then regret everything afterwards and still keep quiet about it - just so I didn’t make things worse. If my speculations about Harry were true, then he would understand. 

“You’re worry me sometimes, Rachel.” Harry mumbled, catching my attention.
Taking a pause, I looked at him in a confused manned; “Explain.”
“You don’t talk much, but when you do, you can’t stop. But in a really good way. I enjoy listening to you, it’s cute. You’re different.”
“You’re different..” I whispered to myself, not knowing that he had actually heard me but had chose to ignore my comments.

I felt rude for brushing off his compliment, so decided to turn and smile at him. Every little move he was making was drawing my conclusion to a close. He was in a “sweet” mood right now, but soon, it would turn suggestive. Maybe even aggressive? But I knew what was coming. I was used to this sort of thing, as it happened to me every day.

Walking up the path to my house, I turned the key in the lock and opened it, offering Harry in first but he insisted that I lead the way in. Smiling inside at him being such a gentlemen, I walked inside and waited for him to take a seat on the couch before closing the door. Throwing my schoolbag and coat to one side, I hesitantly walked into the living room. Harry had clearly made himself comfortable already. His shoes were kicked to one side, his feet crossed over on the couch in front of him as he lent forward, looking up at me as I pondered over which seat to take - in my own living room?

“Just sit here?” Harry laughed, patting the spot beside him.

Rolling my eyes, I slapped myself against the beige leather of the couch and turned to look at Harry who had shifted his seating position so that he was facing my direction, his legs still crossed over each other.

“Harry, can I ask you something?” I said in a hushed tone, not making eye contact.
“No.” 
Feeling confused, I shot my eyes up to him. I clearly hadn’t expected this answer.
“I’m kidding?” He laughed, amused by my facial expressions.
“I’m being serious!” I moaned in a fed-up tone, pulling one of the cushions from behind me and pushing it into his face.
“Right, I’m listening.” He laughed again, pulling the cushion away from his face and behind his back.

Dropping my head again, I began to pick at my nails. I had very bad cuticles and my nails were all different levels.

“Focus!” Harry said, snapping his fingers in front of my face.
“I can’t! You’ll think the question is too.. forward.” I sighed, looking up at him.
“You’ve survived more than one day with me, and you think something you’re going to say will be ‘too forward’? Just ask.” He laughed, rolling his eyes at my stupid statement.

Biting down hard on my bottom lip, almost being able to taste the coppery taste of my own blood, I finally spat it out.

“Are you.. bipolar, Harry?”

The chirpy expression on Harry’s face dropped. He looked stunned that such a question would even cross my mind. But he also looked guilty, as if there was something he hadn’t told me. For once, I had left Harry speechless - something neither of us expected. The only sound was the echo of Harry’s heavy breathing, repeating over and over. I didn’t want to have to ask him the same question again. He would answer in his own time - but he was sure taking a long time. I had managed to confess it myself quite quickly. It hurt, but I still did it. Then again, everybody’s different?

“Harry..”
“I’ve got to go.” He said, lifting himself up from the couch and almost jumping into his shoes.
“I’m sorry..” I mumbled, following him like a lost puppy as he made his way to the front door. 

I could hear him mumble things under his breath before opening the door and pausing in his tracks.
Turning to face me, he said, “I’ll text you tonight?”
“I don’t want to to text me. I just.. I’d like answer, not through text.”
“But, Rachel..”
“But nothing. Please, just a yes or no?”

Running his fingers through the crown of his hair, he sighed. Tugging onto the roots with force, he looked down at me, almost in pain.

“No.”

—

I wasn’t one to judge people, so I wasn’t keen on coming to the conclusion that Harry was a compulsive liar. I wasn’t going to label him that easily, although his not-so-hasty reply to my antagonizing question made me skeptic to whether he was lying to me or not. Any truthful person would’ve came right out and said “No, I’m not bipolar.” But Harry, on this occasion, took so long to come to his conclusion, and then denying the assumption with such pain in his eyes really made me wonder even more.

Maybe he wasn’t bipolar? Maybe it was something more serious. But my plan yesterday, hadn’t gone to plan at all. I wanted to know more about Harry, but it turned in to a session where we learnt less about each other. I wanted to speak to Harry, and I would speak to Harry. I wanted him to know that he could trust me as much as I could trust him. Isn’t that the way friendships are supposed to work? Then again, since when was I a relationship expert..

On Thursday morning, I woke up feeling like utter shit. My head was pounding and my vision was so blurry, I couldn’t tell where I was or what I was doing - but due to common sense, I knew that I was in my bedroom. Rubbing my eyes, I pulled back my curtains and found it hard to bare as the strong rays of sunlight beamed through the pieces of material I used to block the sun out. I was only going to school to check up on Harry and to see if Liam was in today; otherwise I would’ve happily stayed off.

Little did I know, I had actually slept through my alarm, making me practically late for school. It was now eight thirty, and school started in ten minutes. I was fucked. Throwing my self out of bed, I quickly pulled on all items of uniform and tried to do a very quick appliance of makeup. This involved dragging some concealer across my face, and rubbing it in with some powder and blusher, then quickly taking the mascara brush and pulling it through my eyelashes. Leaving my hair into a straggly, down mess, I picked up my bag and sprinted out of the door.

Without taking my medication.
But I didn’t know it at the time.
Big mistake.

Rushing in to school, only a few minutes late for registration, I burst in and found that quite a few people were off. But surprisingly, Liam and Harry were in. The two who I suspected would have the highest chance of being off. Harry and Liam were sitting together, Zayn was sitting at the opposite side of them and Louis and Hayley were sitting together.

“Is this it?” I asked in a shocked manner.
“Yeah. Everyone’s off because of some virus? I feel dandy!” Louis beamed. “But Sarah’s off.” He added.
“Oh, bummer.” I said in an overly-sarcastic tone.
“Rawr.” Harry smirked, leaning back on his chair whilst Liam sat quietly.

Too quietly.

Pulling a chair over to one side of Liam, I sat and eyed him up suspiciously before saying, “Where were you yesterday?”
“Wasn’t well.”
“Don’t like to me, Liam.”
“I just wasn’t feeling right, okay?” He said through gritted teeth, turning his back to me.
“Who shat in your cornflakes?” I sighed, rolling my eyes.

So far, this day wasn’t turning out so well. But, it was about to get a whole lot worse.

“Harry!” I grinned, leaning forward so I could see him over Liam.
“Rachel.” Harry smiled, not so enthusiastic as I was.
“Can we speak after school again?”
“No, I can’t. I’ve.. I’ve got plans.”
“Lunch time?”
“I’m eating lunch..” He mumbled, trying to come up with more excuses.
“Sorted. We’ll have lunch at mine.”
“Bu-“
“We’re having lunch at mine.” I said sternly, almost staring Harry down.

Clearly, I was having no shit today. The bell rang for first period, and I made my way to maths. I tried to get through the first four periods quickly so I could speak to Harry. I was desperate. I wanted to know if my story could relate to his in any way. Zayn tried to get some information about everything out of me during maths. He seemed very suspicious about the whole Harry, Liam, Niall and I story. Although Niall wasn’t in, that didn’t stop Colleen from asking me where he was during English second period. I thought Niall would’ve text her, but I could see Colleen texting away for the whole period, so this made me come to the conclusion that he finally had text her.
Harry didn’t say much to me, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t try and get anything out of him - lunch time or not.

“You’re hiding something from me, aren’t you?” I whispered.
“No, i’m not.”
“You are, you were being really.. weird last night.”
“Can’t help it, sorry.”
“You’re mood swings, Harry. They’re as bad as mine.” I confessed, my voice becoming more prominent.
“Well I can’t help it.”
“That’s my point!” I exaggerated.


“Rachel, what did I just say?!” The teacher shouted, taking my attention away from Harry.
“Something boring and pointless, probably.” I groaned, sitting back in my seat as I heard a slight chuckle come from the class.
“Excuse me?”
“You’re excused.”

This time, an “Oooh.” erupted from the class as they became intrigued in our argument. Mrs Allan’s eyes suddenly looked infuriated, as if she was ready to snap.

“No, you’re excused. Get out of my classroom!”
“With pleasure.” I beamed, standing up from my seat and prancing over to the door before mumbling “bitch” quietly, but loud enough for her to hear.

“To the head teacher’s office. Now.”
“Yeah, because I’m really going there.” I laughed, rolling my eyes before I slammed the door to the English classroom behind me.

Little did I know, Mrs Allan had sent Colleen out to take me to the head teacher’s, so that I wouldn’t casually walk off and out of school without permission. Colleen came up behind me timidly and tapped my shoulder, startling me slightly as I walked down to the girls toilets. She explained what her task was, and I told her that I wanted to go to the toilet first. Which was obviously a lie. 
I spent as much time as I could in the bathroom before Colleen came in to tell me that she would get into trouble if she didn’t get back to class in a certain amount of time. Groaning, I tagged along with her to the office before she abandoned me. Knocking on the rather familiar doors, I pulled them apart and sprawled in.

“Rachel Anderson? Not seen you down here in a while.” Mr Laxey said, quite surprised to see me.
“Behavior.” I sighed, sitting down on the rock solid chair in front of his desk.

Mr Laxey was the only teacher in the school who knew about my disorder. I wasn’t comfortable enough to tell every single teacher my life story, so whenever I was sent down to his office, we always went easy on me. Many pupils envied me for this, but they didn’t understand as much as we did - so I made sure to take full advantage of the situation whenever it happened.

“So what’s my sentence?”
“Well, you’ll have to get some sort of punishment. So, I’ll give you a lunchtime detention. That’s not too bad.”
“Not this lunchtime.. right?” I questioned, leaning forward intently in my seat.
“I’m afraid so.”
“Shit.” I mumbled.
“Rachel Anderson, enough of this language!”
“Sorry.” I rolled my eyes, looking down at my hands as I tried to think up a plan. “Can’t I just apologize? I really can’t do this lunchtime..”
“What, do you have some sort of special plans?” He asked, sounding sarcastic - although I was deadly serious.
“Yes.”
“You’ll have to re-schedule then, won’t you.”

Ignoring his sly comments, I continued conjuring up ideas in my fragile mind. I guess I’d just have to text Harry and explain to him that he has to come back to my house after school. I really wanted to know Harry properly, whatever it took. Who knew - the thought of Harry and I having nothing in common at all, could turn around to us having everything in common. I just didn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me, or why he would lie to my face. Something had to be up, and I would get to the bottom of it.

Like I said, whatever it takes - I was willing to do it.

—

Time flies when you’re having fun, which was why time - for me - was going as slow as ever. I was having such a blast being cooped up in the Head Teacher’s office whilst every other person in the school was out enjoying their fat, greasy lunch and while Mr Laxey traveled down to the school canteen to bring me something for lunch.

The office was quiet, the only sound being my unsteady breathing as I twiddled my thumbs together, listening to the wall clock tick and tock back and forth. By now, I had came to the conclusion that I had forgotten to take my medication, but I didn’t make much of a big deal out of it. It happens occasionally, but nothing drastic was to come of it. Deciding to take advantage of the current “being alone” situation, I slyly grasped my phone from my pocket and scrolled down the “contacts” section until “Harry xox” was highlighted in blue. Pressing the green call button, I listened to the ringing tone droning on and on.

“Yes, smelly?”
“Sorry I couldn’t make lunch, so we’ll have to do after school.”
“I told you I couldn’t.” He explained as I heard laugher in the background.
“Why? What’s the big problem?” I sighed, rolling my eyes in the process.
“I’ve got plans, I told you that this morning.”

Biting my lip in frustration, I let out an over-exaggerated groan. “Tomorrow then, yeah?” I asked.
“We’ll see.” He replied, sounding somewhat brighter.
“C’mon, Harry. You said we could!” A very familiar female voice pleaded on the other end of the phone.
“Who’s that?” I asked, my voice trembling slightly.
“Yeah, I’m coming!” Harry laughed, before hanging the phone up on me.

Feeling utterly repulsed, I dropped my phone on the floor and lifted my knees up to my chest on the itchy, blue office chair, hugging them with my arms. I felt so enraged by Harry’s sudden change in behavior, and even more enraged that he was keeping secrets from me. There was something going on, and even though I kept telling myself I would come to the bottom of it, I couldn’t. He was like a puzzle where no matter how hard you looked, you could never find the last piece. Or like a piece of cake; you could eat it and eat it because it was completely irresistible. Even when you’re full and can’t stand one more piece, you’ll still go back for more. Making sense?

Either way, I had so much on my mind that when Mr Laxey came up with my lunch, I only picked and prodded at it. My appetite was gone and I couldn’t be bothered with anything. When the bell rang to indicate that lunch was over, I couldn’t have sprinted out of Mr Laxey’s office fast enough. I was desperate to get the last two periods over and done with so I could be a spy. A spy who creep’d Harry. Normal, I know.

When last period, History, came to an end, I rushed to catch up with Hayley. I wanted her to fill me in with information I had missed when I was stuck in the head teacher’s office. We both agreed to walk home together whilst Hayley told me things she felt I needed to know. 

“What did Mr Laxey say, then?” She asked as we began walking home.
“Not much, but he brought me up my lunch. Didn’t eat it though.”
“Why?”
“Didn’t feel like it after a shit call with Harry.
Hayley shit me a confused look, before stopping in her tracks and saying “Explain?” 
“He just.. he’s been very distant since last night, and —”
“Last night?” She gasped, catching up with me.
“Yeah, I invited him round because I wanted to talk with him. We didn’t speak much though, he left early.”

Hayley nodded as her eyes grew with intent as I continued on and she listened with such eagerness.

“Because we didn’t speak much, I wanted us to go out for lunch together, today, and we could talk some more. But we didn’t get that far, like I said. I heard a girl in the background. She was giggling and asking Harry to hurry up. The scary thing was, she sounded too familiar.”
“Jessica..” Hayley whispered to herself, before looking up at me with wide eyes; “It was Jessica!”
“You’re kidding me? Have those two hooked up?”
“I don’t know.. I’ve not seen them together since the party a few weeks ago. They wouldn’t, right?” Hayley asked, sounding as shocked as I was.

I shrugged, looking ahead of me as I tried to fit the pieces of this unsolvable puzzle together. For once, everything was beginning to make sense. Harry was a player. Like yesterday when I saw him laughing with them girls at the end of school, or at the party when he hit on Jess when she was drunk plus when she was with Niall. He couldn’t help himself, could he? But there had to me a reasonable explanation for all of this. He was hiding something else, and it turned out I wasn’t the only one who wanted to figure out what it was. Hayley did, too. 

Apart from the little differences, Hayley and I were almost the same person. We both had the same interests and dislikes, it was almost scary. Obviously Hayley knew all my deep secrets, so she knew I had a “thing” for Harry, Liam and Niall, although my attraction for Harry was slightly overpowering the other boys. Not only did we want to find out what Harry’s big secret was - but we wanted to find out what was up with Liam. He was the sweetest guy ever, but recently he had been too distant and conceited. You notice these things when you spend so much time with a certain person, and they change their everything all of a sudden. Things between Harry and Liam sounded so alike, but in my eyes, they were two completely different things. Harry’s mood would change every five seconds and this scene with Liam was very new and unusual - making the two concepts very different, but the same in a strange sort of way.

The great thing was, Hayley agreed with me. I told her in detail about the incident with Harry and I the other night and about my speculations of him having the same disorder as me. Hayley didn’t see what I saw at first, but after a while of explanation, she couldn’t believe that she had missed all the facts.

We had planned to stay over at Hayley’s house on Saturday so we could put our plan, labeled “Spy on Harry” into action. We also had to figure out what was going on with Liam and the deal with Jessica. We were like actual spies. It was rude to interfere with peoples lives, but when these people were your friends, what else were you supposed to do? 

This plan was bound to succeed.
Wasn’t it? 

—

Most of Friday was a blur. I tried my hardest to distance myself from Harry as much as I could. I knew that if I spent much time with him, my plan with Hayley would slip through my adolescent lips and spill that we had planned to spy on Harry and his whereabouts, also Jessica’s. 

“Have you asked your Mum and Dad if you can stay?” Hayley questioned as I made my way to English and she made her way to maths.
“Obviously, I’m not just going to go and stay at your house without telling them, muppet!” I laughed, saying goodbye to her as I walked into English.

I knew it would be difficult to not speak to Harry for this one whole period, especially since we sat right next to each other at a table secluded from everyone. But I had decided to keep chat very minimal. I could communicate with him, but very it had to be limited. Walking up to the table, I pulled my chair out and dumped my bag on the floor as I slid into the seat. Harry’s eyes were on me observantly as I lent back in my chair. Niall walked in with a big grin on his face - Colleen soon trailing in behind him. Niall turned his head to face me before he took his seat and nodded at me, looking proud. A warm feeling emitted in the pit stomach and I felt proud of myself as I had figured that I didn’t have to be with Niall to be happy for him. It was a good feeling.

Today was hopefully going to be our last day of reading “To kill a mocking bird” before we wrote our critical evaluation on it. As much as I hates writing essays, I was actually quite good at it.

“Sarah, can you hand out the books please?” Mrs Allan asked, pointing to the pile of books on her desk.

Without agreeing, Sarah stood up and took the pile of books in her arms before making her way around the classroom with them. As she made her way over to us, I knew Harry would say something mean to her. After all, she was his sister. 

“This books ruined.” Harry complained as Sarah dropped a book down in front of Harry and I.
“That’s the only book left, so deal with it.” 
“But I want another book.” He frowned, pushing the book in front of him away.
“Just take my book then!” I huffed, quickly switching our books before opening mine to the last chapter.
“Solved.” Sarah grinned, walking back to her desk.

Harry didn’t say anything after that. He must have thought I was in another one of my “moods” - but I wasn’t. I had taken my medication today, so all was good. I just wanted to get through this last period quickly, and freely so I could leave and get back to Hayley’s house so we could actually put our plan into action. To my benefit, Harry didn’t say much to me. Occasionally, he’d ask me what page we were on which I’d simply reply with a shrug. Or he’d ask me what I was doing at the weekend, which I bluntly replied to with “Stuff.” 

When the bell rung to indicate that we could be released from school, I closed the book and placed it on the table before picking up my bag and hastily walking out of the class. I rushed past the crowd of teenagers straggling down the stairs so I could meet Hayley at her locker. As I stood to wait on her, Niall walked past and decided to stop and have a chat with me.

“Rachel!” He grinned, throwing his bag on the ground and opening his arms.

Feeling slightly confused, I laughed and walked towards him. I wasn’t returning the favor as a hug, but I would happily let him hug me as I stood there like a plank of wood.

“Up to much this weekend?” He asked, pulling back from the hug and lifting his rucksack up before slinging it over one shoulder.
“I’m staying at Hayley’s tonight, and that’s about it. Yourself?”
“Na, not got much planned.” He shrugged, shuffling his feet before continuing; “Going out with Colleen on Sunday though. Louis and Sarah are coming along too. Going for a kick about in the park and stuff, if you want to come?” 
“I’ll see.” I smiled before looking over his shoulder and waving to Hayley who had a lost look on her face, before it perked up once she saw me.
“Alri, catch you later.” He mumbled with a smile on his face before walking away.

Hayley grabbed her belongings from her locker and then we both made our way back to her house. I loved Hayley’s house. It was small, but extremely homely. It was also very fancy. Her room had to be the biggest room in the house. Perfectly furnished with a black carpet and white, faux-fur rug with matching black and white wallpaper. Her bed was lined with purple silk and black fluffy cushions surrounding the pillows. Very fancy, indeed.

Neatly placing my bag on her floor, I perched myself on the end of her bed - making sure I didn’t mess up any of the perfect bedding. We didn’t wait long before her mum came through with some delicious smelling pasta for us to eat whilst we gossiped and laughed about completely pointless stuff. We hadn’t planned on going straight into spying on Harry. We would do it once it got dark outside. 

What was our plan? 
Simple.

Walk to Harry’s house and check to see if he was in. If he wasn’t? Check Jessica’s house. If she also wasn’t in, then we new something was up. Jessica normally stayed in on weekends nowadays, unless there was a good party on. She would go out out ever weekend when she used to date Niall, but since then - not so much. Hayley had also asked her if she was doing anything earlier, but she looked very sheepish when she replied with a “No, I’m not.” 
If we didn’t get very far with the whole Jessica and Harry situation, we’d travel down to Liam’s house. He had been acting strange since Thursday - not just to me, but to our whole group. He was also hiding something. We both wanted to ask him personally what was wrong. He were both close with Liam, mostly me, but he was comfortable around us both and we cared too much for him for his new attitude to go unnoticed. 

“Wait, what if Harry’s not in because he’s actually got plans - like he had said?”
“But those plans might be with Jessica!” I protested, sighting at the fact that we had both already been through this.
“But are you one hundred percent sure that he’s not actually busy?” Hayley asked as she clicked open different tabs on her computer.
“No, I’m not sure. But we’ll just have to wait and see. Go with out first instinct, right?”
“Suppose.” Hayley mumbled.

We began to get changed out of our uniform - I got changed in a separate room, obviously - and into more comfortable clothes. We both knew this would be a pretty eventful night, but little did we know what he actually had in store.

“Why don’t I just check Jess and Harry’s Facebook. Y’know, in case they’ve written where they’re going or something?”
“Fine.” I groaned, leaning back on her bed as she pulled her laptop over and logged into Facebook.

The room fell silent, but only for a moment before Hayley burst out with; “Oh my fucking god..”
“What.” I said bluntly, closing my eyes on her bed as I began to drift off.
“You won’t believe it..” She replied, still in shock.
“What!” I groaned, pulling myself up before locking my eyes on the screen.

I scanned my eyes across the brightly lit screen; it reading ‘Harry Styles went from being “Single” to “In a relationship.”’

—

Words couldn’t describe the array of mixed thoughts and emotions that churned in my stomach. I was quite surprised, and very hurt. It was like everything around me, Hayley’s room, had gone completely blurry. The only thing I could focus on was the writing on the computer screen. I felt stupid for feeling so hurt over a boy I barely knew, and to be honest, I really didn’t expect this sort of thing from him. Truth be told, I thought Harry was different. But he wasn’t. He was a typical boy. 

Piercing my bottom lip with harsh force as I bit into it, I closed the laptop and pushed it away. I didn’t bother to check who he was in a relationship with, mostly because I was pretty sure I had a rough idea. It wasn’t that hard to figure out. 

“You alright?”
“I’m fine.” I managed to slip from my lips.
“No you’re not.” Hayley, sighed, shaking her head and opening her arms out to me as we sat opposite each other on her perfectly laid out bed.
“Honestly, I’m fine.”

A long, but comfortable silence inputted, giving me a chance to think. I should have been a lot more upset than I was, and this startled me. Maybe I didn’t love Harry? Maybe I thought I did, but I really didn’t. I loved what I thought he was, and who I thought he was, he really wasn’t. I was a heavy believer in the quote “Everything happens for a reason.” What reason this was? I didn’t know - yet.

“Are you still up for our plan?” Hayley asked timidly.
“I’d rather just.. try and talk to Liam. I don’t want to interfere with Harry. He’ll talk to me when he needs me and right now, he doesn’t.”
“Don’t say that!”
“But it’s true!” I argued, “Let’s just get out stuff, and head over to Liam’s house.”

As told, we both began to pack up our stuff and head out of the door. It wasn’t that dark outside, but dark enough for the street lights to be in use. There was a chill in the air, ambushed by a warm early-autumn breeze. Crossing my arms, we started towards Liam’s house. Hayley was lucky enough to only live a ten minute walk from his house, so it wasn’t too long, but long enough. It was good to have a moment to collect my thoughts - to clear my mind. Hayley kept herself quiet and so did I. I knew Hayley thought I was very upset, but I wasn’t. Not yet, anyway. 

It wasn’t fair to love someone who didn’t love you back. There was no fun in it. Truth be told, a small part of me thought I was in love with him, but now? I wasn’t so sure. I had told myself that Harry liked me - I didn’t need much proof otherwise, but things seemed different now. He had changed himself, or changed his mind. He was either playing me, or sending me mixed signals. Signals that weren’t all to clear at times.

“I’ve got a text.” Hayley mumbled, eyes locked on her phone.
“Right?” 
“It’s from Harry.” With this, she took her eyes off of her phone screen and looked up to me.
“Okay. What does it say?”
“He wants to talk to you.”
“Then why didn’t he text me that?” I snorted, knowing fully well what he was playing at.
“It says here he couldn’t get through to you. You’re phones out of battery, isn’t it?”
“But still..” I replied, beginning to doubt myself.

Imprinting my eyes on Hayley, she began typing away on her phone before sliding it back into her pocket. Sighing, I focused my mind on the road ahead. I knew we were nearing Liam’s house because I noticed the familiar surroundings. I had been here too many times not to notice the layout of things. The trees that outlined the pale salmon-colored pathways. The old fashioned buildings with smoke emanating from the chimneys and finally, Liam’s house. 

Stopping outside his gate, I admired the stony building. The exterior was very grand. The walls were pale grey stone, looking very solid and sturdy. The gate was very detailed, painted jet black as it surrounded the whole of the house and the fresh green garden that looked bright, even when the sun was fading away. There garage door was open, but no car filled the slot. I knew by this that the possibilities of his parents being out were pretty high, but that didn’t mean that Liam wouldn’t be in?

Timidly opening the gate, I waited for Hayley to catch up with me before I walked up the path to his front door. Eyeing up the tall, oakwood entrance, I chapped on it several times before taking a step back. My heart was in my mouth, but I had every last detail planned. To our advantage, footsteps submerged from behind the door before a tall figure answered. 

“Rachel..” Liam whispered.
“And Hayley..” I beamed, looking behind me as she shyly waved.
“Hayley.” He chuckled, stepping back from the door to let us both in. “You know where to go.”

Too right I did. Kicking off my shoes at his front door, I hung my jacket on the coat rail and shuffled the material of my black tights along the beige carpet in the living room. Planting myself against the black leather furnishing that was his couch, I actioned for Hayley to sit next to me, to relieve tension. Hayley and I were still in our uniform, but Liam was fully dressed into his casual clothes.

Liam appeared at the doorway slowly. Both his hands in the font pockets of his faded blue jeans that hung loosely around his hips. A red checkered shirt clung to his chest, two buttons loose from the top and a pair of black boots that sat snugly under the cut of his jeans. 

“What a surprise?” He smiled gently, stepping closer into the living room.
“We wanted to talk you, is all..” Hayley piped up, leaning back against the couch.

Liam nodded slowly, taking one of his hands from his pocket and running it through the sandy blonde hairs on the back of his head. He sighed deeply before picking up the pace and sitting on one of the matching armchairs in the corner of the living room, looking at both of us intently as he lay his elbows against his knees.

“Talk to me, then?”
“We didn’t want to talk, more like.. ask you a few questions.” I assured him.
“What’s this, an interrogation?” He laughed.
“I guess you could say that?” Hayley shrugged, knowing fully well that this was exactly what we were here to do. 

Hayley and I had both decided that it would be my job to speak to him first. Why had we decided this? So that I could make him comfortable, and because Hayley thought he liked me better. We were all really good friends, but I guess Hayley meant that he was more “himself” around me, because of all the history we had together.

“You’ve been acting really strange these last few days. You’re hiding something from us. From all of us, and we’re really worried about you..”
“Us two especially.” Hayley butted in.

As if by magic, the color of Liam’s brown eyes formed into an even darker shade, showing mystery. He pursed his lips tightly, rubbing them together; creating friction. His eyes shot between both of our gazes. I couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable, but I knew he was on the verge of telling us. Or, one of us..

“Rachel. Can I speak to you alone?” He asked in a soft manner.

Turning my head to face Hayley, she rolled her eyes and nodded before Liam quickly stood up and clenched onto my arm, pulling me outside and into the hall before closing the living room door behind him. Only a small strip of light was visible, that from the bottom of the living room door. I heard Liam fiddling around before our surroundings were suddenly visible, light beaming from above. 

“What i-” I asked, before Liam quickly placed his hand over my mouth.
“Keep your voice down!” He hushed me, whispering.
Maneuvering my head away from his hand, I lowered my tone; “What is it?”
“You wanted to know what’s up?”
“I still do, yes.” I mumbled.
“Remember back when I came to your house, and we had that.. intimate session?”
“I remember.” I nodded, taking my eyes away from his awkward glance.
“And you told me that you wanted Harry instead of me?”

I was now limited to answering his questions, only functioning with a simple nod as my eyes drooped to the floor.

“I was so upset with you because I knew something, and I’ve not been telling you because I wanted to spare your feelings. Telling me that you wanted Harry almost killed me inside, after I knew everything he was doing to you.”
“Doing to me?” I responded with a startled attention, fury burning in my eyes, “Harry hasn’t done anything to me, Liam. And you know that!” My hushed tone was now starting to sound like a plead, a whimper.
“Not physically, but mentally.” Liam confessed, a look of guilt appearing in his eyes. “He’s been playing you. Leading you on. He made you think that you wanted him; needed him, but you know you don’t.” 

My emotions were on fire. It was as if Liam had read my thoughts, but how did he know all of this? I couldn’t comprehend how quickly Liam had managed to spark this up, but there was a lot more back story than he was telling me.

“I got so upset when you told me you wanted Harry instead of me. I didn’t want you to get hurt..” Liam trailed off.
“Why would Harry hurt me?” I asked, my expression very soft. My eyes filled with question.
“Jessica. I caught him and Jessica.. together, the night before I came to your house. They were together and.. and Harry made me swear I wouldn’t tell you. And for you to tell me that you didn’t want me, but that idiot instead, really infuriated me, even though I knew you didn’t know the full story. I couldn’t blame you, but I had no one else to blame for how shit I felt after you told me you wanted him. I didn’t want you to go after somebody that didn’t love you as much as I knew you loved him. It tore me apart not telling you, Rachel. I knew how much Harry meant to you, and even though nothing was serious between you two, Harry going behind your back like that with Jess.. so quickly after the party and after he caused such an uproar really made me angry, but I swore to him that I wouldn’t tell. Then when I came home and checked Facebook and saw that he had put things with him and Jess public, I knew I had to tell you somehow. Harry wouldn’t, so why let you go through this pain? I’m sorry.”

—

Right now, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had reached my breaking point. All I could concentrate on were Liam’s powerful words of explanation and concern. Trying my best to hold back the stinging salty tears that lingered in the beads of my eyes, I swallowed down sharply to reduce the sound of myself babbling; drowning in my own sorrow.

“You’re best off without him.” Liam assured me, resting his hand on my shoulder.

Was I really best off without Harry? Really? He had taught me so much about myself, in both positive and negative ways. I had learned that I was capable of anything, especially my own self-control. He taught me that I shouldn’t hide my emotions and that everybody understands you, but in their own aspects. But was everything Liam had said true? Or was this just another ploy of his to get me to back away from Harry? As much as I would have liked to believe Liam was making this all up, I couldn’t bring myself to even ask him. It was stupid and pointless. Liam wasn’t like that, not one bit. He wanted to protect me - to comfort me - not to crumble me.

“I don’t want to be best off without him, Liam. I want him..” I confessed, throwing myself into the brick wall that was Liam’s chest.
“Let it all out..” He hushed, brushing his fingers through my hair.

All I could do was weep into Liam’s chest, tears drenching the material of his shirt. I felt my eyes become puffy and sore as they rubbed against the material, leaving red patches across my eyes.

“You’re not going to get anywhere crying over the twat. Show him you don’t need him.” Liam sympathized, tilting my head up with his hand.
“I want to speak to him.” I muffled, wiping my cheeks with the back of my sleeve.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Liam questioned.
“I just… I just want an answer, Liam. Why? That’s all.”
“Don’t go to hard on him, though? Remember, nothing was too serious between you two.”
“But he knew how I felt about him.”

Liam agreed with me. Harry, or all people, knew that I confined my trust in him. He was the first person I told, ever, that I loved Niall, Liam and himself. I told him I was bipolar after only knowing him for a few weeks, and I had enabled all my strengths and weaknesses in him. I didn’t deserve this, and I knew it. This had to be one of the many stages of grief. 

I couldn’t come to terms as to why Harry would do this to me. It didn’t seem like something he would do, but then again.. did I really know who the real Harry was? Telling Liam to explain everything to Hayley, I dragged my feet out of his house and knew, for once, exactly where I was going. 

Harry’s house.

The sky was now dark, and I was lost. Not on route, but in my head. My thoughts were all over the place, swirling around in an abyss of anger and frustration. Tears kept streaming down my face as I tried to figure out my words and how I would form them together to speak to Harry. As always said, true emotion came from the heart. I gave up on trying to mentally type up a script and decided I would go with the flow; let things come naturally.

The cold breeze cooled the tears that occasionally dampened my cheeks, causing me to shiver. I knew I was at Harry’s house because the surroundings were almost identical to my house. We lived a mere hundred yards away from each other, but you would never guess. Colliding my fist with the hard wood door, I heard a rustling come from behind it before the door quickly opened. A startled expression crossed Harry’s face and he quickly pulled me inside, slamming the front door behind him. Had he figured everything out already? 

“Don’t touch me, Harry!” I warned him, rubbing the sleeves of my cardigan together. I was chilly. Leaving my jacket in Liam’s house wasn’t a smart plan.
“Let me explain!” He started, already looking frustrated.
“Explain? Explain what?” I scoffed, crossing my arms as I felt the tears well up in my eyes yet again.
“Liam told you, didn’t he? You’re mad with me.”
“No shit, Sherlock.” I spat, shuffling my feet a long the floor to the first step of his stairs before planting myself harshly down upon it.

Harry remained standing, pacing back and fourth as he tried to conjure up away to get himself out of the shit he had landed himself deeply in. He would have had to come up with a pretty good excuse to make me feel worthy of starting a proper conversation with him.

“I’m so sorry.” Harry mumbled, stressing his words.
“You’re not, though.” I laughed in sarcasm, sitting with my elbows propped up against my knees as I continuously rubbed my eyes.
“You wouldn’t understand, Rachel..” He muttered, turning away from me.
“I wouldn’t understand? Harry, you’ve got no fucking clue, do you? I can read you like a book - now! Heartless and conceited, that’s what you are. I trusted you, and you know that. But you couldn’t trust me and you still can’t. You were hiding something from me. Lying to me - to everybody!”
“Is it everybody’s business?!” He spat back, clenching onto the roots of his hair firmly - anger bottled up in his face.
“It’s not about that, Harry. You couldn’t even trust me, Rachel.” I whimpered, aching at the fact he didn’t understand.

There were so many unanswered questions she was dying to ask him, the main one being “Why?” But Harry was so stubborn and firm, she knew he wouldn’t even consider amusing her with his subtle answers. 

“Jessica? Why Jessica..?” I whispered, looking up from the damp sleeves that were my cardigan.
“I.. I don’t know.”
“Yes you do, Harry. That’s just it! You do know, because everything you do - every decision you make, it’s all down to you!”
“You want me to tell you everything, Rach? Everything!” He shouted, causing me to cower on the step.

Swallowing hard, I nodded - readying myself for what was about to come. Whatever that was. I pursed my lips tightly together as Harry stopped in his tracks. To my amazement, he knelt down in front of me, pulling my hands away from his face and laying them on my knees, along with his hands resting against my palms.

“Listen carefully, and don’t miss a word.” He whispered as I nodded, wide-eyed.
“I don’t like Jessica. As heartless and cold as it sounds, I don’t. She’s one amazing girl, but she’s not for me. Why are we in a relationship? Because I’m weak. I’m weak at the fact that you are too good for me, and I can’t let myself fight over you when you already have two other boys in your life who love you more than I ever could. It hurts to know how much you love, or loved, all of us. I wanted you to be my only, and I wanted to be yours. You’re so.. different. You get me, you understand me. You knew my insecurities, even when I lied. Your speculations were true, but I couldn’t bring it to my own advantages to tell you because I was scared. You were right, I am bipolar.”

My mouth could only form a small ‘o’ shape as I stared back at this boy in amazement. He was something too surreal, to fondant for me to ever mess with. He was.. perfect? 

“And I’m sorry for lying to you. I really shouldn’t have, but I was scared you would feel like you couldn’t trust me anymore. That if you knew I was bipolar, you’d think something completely different of me. This doesn’t even cover half of my apology to you, about the whole Jessica and I thing. I was so hurt when you told me you loved Niall and Liam, even though you told me you loved me too. I was so hurt, I wanted to try and help myself get over you. I saw the way Liam looked at you with such desire in his eyes. How Niall’s smile beamed one hundred times more whenever you were around. How could I compete with that, after only knowing you for a few weeks? I had no chance. And when Liam walked in on Jessica and I, I knew I was in the wrong. I didn’t want you to feel hurt, like this.. not at all. So I made him promise not to tell you—”

“Harry..” I mumbled, overwhelmed by it all.

“No, let me finish.” He pleaded, the hurt and guild in his eyes bearing deep into my skin. “You know how gorgeous you are, don’t you? I didn’t want you to want me. I felt intimidated. You could have done so much better, and that made me feel like utter shit inside. I know, this is no excuse for everything, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to be there for you, but you had such amazing friends.. I felt like you didn’t need me. I didn’t want you to feel one fraction of the hurt I’ve caused you, and knowing that I’ve led you to tears really kills me inside.”

My pulse had inclined rapidly as Harry’s words began to sunk in. I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusions I had made so quickly, but that was just what I did. When Harry told me that he didn’t deserve me, I couldn’t quite believe it. Harry, picture perfection, thinking he didn’t deserve me? Was this boy crazy? I didn’t deserve him, nor Niall or Liam. I didn’t deserve anybody. Everyone else deserved to be happy.

“I’ve been such a cow, Harry.” I confessed, feeling guilty.
“We’re both at faults then, huh?” He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.
“If it helps.. Niall is now happy with Colleen, and I see Liam as my best friend. They are both so special to me,” I confessed, looking straight into Harry’s green orbs to make sure he heard my message loud and clear, “but you’re something different, Harry. I’ve never known a boy so amazing as you. You get me, Harry. That’s rare. You’re rare. You’re.. amazing.” I smiled, taking a deep breath.
“I’m ending things with Jessica. She’s a lovely girl, but she doesn’t deserve the hurt I’m bound to put her through. She needs a boy who treated her with as much respect as Niall did.”
“I’m not stopping you from dating Jessica, Harry. I just needed clarification, that’s all.” I spoke gently, dropping my gaze from his.

There was a sudden, comfortable silence. The angry and tense atmosphere had faded into a more subtle, gentle feeling. Harry’s heavy breathing was the only noticeable sound I could hear, calming my senses as the pounding in my head - from all of the tears - began to ease off. 

“I want you, Rachel. I want you, and only you. We get each other, you’re gorgeous and you’re perfect. But I don’t deserve you, you deserve someone who will treat you the way you needed to be treated. You need Liam.”

I did need Liam, Harry was right. But I didn’t want him as much as I thought I did. Liam didn’t offer me the acceptance and comfortability that Harry did. Things didn’t work out in the past between us, so what’s the difference now? I wanted - needed - a fresh start.

“Harry, I want you, but I need you more than I need Liam. I need both of you, but for two different reasons. Accept my words, please?” I pleaded, holding onto his hands that lay on my knees.

A smile lingered on Harry’s lips as his eyes glanced up to join mine. There was nothing that could describe this special moment we both shared. It wasn’t lust, for once. It was passion and need. I hungered for Harry’s presence too much, and knowing that you have what you need for once, was better than anything. He was strong enough to help me through any situation I had. Did I love Harry? One couldn’t tell this early on - but our feelings were special. Indescribable. 

Harry swiftly pulled me up from the bottom step and into his arms for a slow, sensual hug. His embraces were comfortable and warm, inviting and lasting. He rocked me back and fourth in his arms, lightly kissing the hair that covered my ear as he held my tightly - almost as if he never wanted to let me go. I wouldn’t let Harry let go of me. I cherished his smell, his texture, his taste. This hug felt so right, so important. Nothing was going to interfere with us two anymore. We were together. We were complete. We were one.

We were inseparable. 

~end~